The Nothings

Tabitha (Chapter Twenty Three)

 They didn't see each other the rest of the summer, autumn or into winter. Tabitha was still angry, and she couldn't face Kate. She stopped going to group and instead started seeing a new therapist a few blocks away. A man this time who was easier and far more interesting to talk to than Gia. 

The group hadn't been the same anyway since Elizabeth died, and then Anita and Richard left. Ellis stopped going too, and apparently Kate wasn't attending either and started individual therapy with Sara again. Joan stopped going too. She was busy now with community college and making a mountain of new friends that were always over at Tabitha's house now. It was annoying but nice for Joan so Tabitha didn't say anything.

  Mike was dating someone, and Tabitha liked her. Her name was Shannon, and she worked a few blocks away at Starbucks. They had been flirting with each other all year apparently, and he finally found the courage to ask her out. She was short and petite with curly blond hair and had a squeaky voice that sometimes could get on Tabitha's nerves, but she was so nice that Tabitha couldn't stay annoyed for long. Shannon was incessantly cheerful, and she brought a little light into the house when she visited, Tabitha thought.

  Tabitha hadn't seen Mike this happy in a long time. He dated Shannon for two months before he introduced her to Jamie since they all knew he had a tendency to get attached to people, and they got along right away. Shannon had a two year old little girl named Beth who Tabitha adored. Tabitha started babysitting Beth for extra money, and then a few children of Beth's friends. She was making good money, and she liked kids so she thought it was the perfect job for her.

  The house looked better than ever now that Tabitha could afford to spruce it up, and Mike had a permanent job that brought in a lot of much needed cash flow. They repainted the outside, redid the lawn, and they put up a fence so Jamie and Tabitha's charges could safely play outside. Mike even made them a swing set which was a big surprise since Jamie had always wanted one. 

Tabitha also revamped her bedroom, bought herself and Joan actual beds and dressers. It was mostly second-hand, but their rooms looked much better, she thought. She had liked her sparse bedroom, but it had reminded her too much of Kate. She needed a change. She painted her walls an off white and made some lilac curtains for her windows. She also made a quilt for Joan's bedroom that she gave to her for Christmas.

  Winter made Tabitha think of Kate. It was when they had grown close. Even just playing in the snow reminded her of the person she missed so much it made her stomach hurt. Tabitha wondered when Kate would call or text, but she never did. Tabitha's pride kept her from picking up the phone although she occasionally had Joan drive by Kate's just to see her house. The sight made Tabitha sad, but she just needed to see for herself that it was, in fact, still there, and Kate actually existed. Tabitha bought Kate a few books for Christmas, but they laid unwrapped on Tabitha's window seat. Maybe she'd get a chance to give them to her sometime.

  She didn't know why she found it so hard to reach back out to Kate, but she did. What if Kate had met someone else? It could happen. She was beautiful, and guys - and girls - had always checked her out when they used to go places together. Normal people did like her, no matter how much Kate swore otherwise. She looked like one of them after all. It was easier for her. 

Even when Tabitha dyed her hair a 'normal' color and wore regular clothes; people always seemed to be able to see right through her and tell she didn't belong. Not that she wanted to or even wanted to date someone else. Joan tried to get her to go to a gay bar she knew about, but Tabitha laughed and said no. That was definitely not her scene.

  "Why not?" Joan had demanded. "You're gay, and you like to drink. You'll fit right in."

  Because Tabitha didn't want to meet someone else. She was already in love with someone, and the thought of spending her life with anyone but that person made her stomach drop. What if she'd been right? That Kate was just looking for someone - anyone - to love her, and it really hadn't been because she loved Tabitha for who she was? Maybe she'd found someone else to fill that void? She'd done it before. 

  She didn't know about anything anymore. Life seemed pretty fucking empty without a best friend, and she wondered how she had been able to stand so many solitary years before Kate came along. It was really lonely walking down the snowy streets by herself with groceries in her backpack. 

If she had known how dead inside she would have felt after she fell in love; she never would have done it in the first place, she thought, because people always disappoint you and leave in the end. Hadn't both her parents proven that? Hadn't any and every single friend she ever had left eventually? She should have never let Kate get that close. Tabitha should have known Kate would just be like everyone else.

  The house was empty when she got home as Joan was with her family for Christmas (she thought she owed them a visit, at least) and Mike was at Shannon's apartment as he usually was these days. He and Jamie spent a lot of time there with Beth. They invited Tabitha, but she knew she'd just be in the way. 

She wondered how long until Mike asked Beth to marry him, and they moved into the big house. Would he want Tabitha to leave? She felt cold all over just thinking about it. Or would he move into the apartment with Jamie? He was always complaining about how much work this old house was, and she and Joan could easily move into their own apartment with the money they made. Tabitha didn't want an apartment though. She wanted the big rickety house, and she wanted her brother and Jamie and their life.

  And Kate.

  Tabitha sat playing with her phone in her hands, and she stared at Kate's name and number. It would be so easy to call and hear her voice. Too easy. It scared her. She sighed and leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Why hadn't Kate called her? Not even a single text? She should have called by now. 

Merry Christmas, thought Tabitha as she sat in her dark living room and watched the snow fall outside. She hadn't known it was going to be this empty.