The Bikini Syndrome | WATTYS2019

» forty-two: another way of saying 'i love you'

"I feel like I'm taking one step forward and one giant leap back," Holly said to Dr. Inho in their next meeting.

It had been a full week since the disastrous lunch date — if it could be called that — but it was still on Holly's mind.

She didn't say as much to Dr. Inho, but it was what she was thinking about.

She thought she had made so much progress when she had talked to Sadie. Holly had even dutifully filled out the nightmare journal every morning, and now she was even starting to consider taking her pills.

She hadn't taken them yet, but Holly no longer flushed them down the toilet.

She still spent too much quality time in front of the toilet though.

"Holly," Dr. Inho said gently. She put down her clipboard. She'd been doing that a lot lately. It did make Holly feel better to know she wasn't being written about all the time, like some guinea pig being observed.

"It's not going to happen all at once. You won't suddenly get better. It can take weeks, months, even years to recover from trauma. You might not even end up in the same place as you were before it happened. But you will end up in a different place. Most people thing that recovery means going back. But it's not about 'going back' to who you were. It's about moving forward.

"A lot of people underestimate the amount of work it takes to recover, to get better. Time can help heal wounds, but it's not the only thing. It helps to have people there who support you, and it helps to learn to forgive yourself, and give yourself room to breathe, make mistakes, even take a big stumble backwards. But remember that I'm here to catch you if you fall. And so are your friends and family."

Holly nodded. She didn't quite understand. But now, the things Dr. Inho said didn't grate on her nerves anymore. They didn't seem like words regurgitated from some textbook.

The words were kind of reassuring, actually.

The next day, a Saturday, Holly went to work. It was her first time back at work in a while. Oliver was the only one there. When she walked in, he seemed to visibly brighten.

Holly told herself that was impossible, with how she'd left things. She hated herself for doing that. Oliver had done nothing wrong. She had even made a point of avoiding Oliver throughout the week at school. She knew she only had to say a simple phrase, but every time she tried, the words got stuck in her throat, like fishbones of guilt and remorse.

But remembering what Dr. Inho had said, Holly mustered up the courage to say, "I'm sorry about what happened the other day. Could we talk after work?"

Oliver smiled, as if nothing had been wrong in the first place. "Sure, let me drive you home."

The shift passed rather uneventfully. Holly did every task absentmindedly, so worried about what she was going to say. She even messed up when ringing up a few orders.

She apologized profusely.

But even as Holly as apologizing, she was rehearsing in her head what she would say.

I'm sorry I'm a mess.

It's not you, it's me?

I have a lot of problems, so we can't be together, I'm sorry.

The last one seemed the least likely. Holly and Oliver weren't even together in any sense of the word. But she allowed herself that small fantasy, even though she realized that even if there was the tiniest change of it ever happening, Holly was too messed up to be in a relationship.

She couldn't imagine herself being held. Holding anyone. Being intimate. Holding hands. Brushing up against each other casually.

Anything that involved physical contact.