Deal with the Bad Boy

Chapter 37

Chapter 37

Nagising ako nang namumugto ang dalawang mata ko. Dahan dahan akong bumangon sa kama at napahawak sa nananakit kong ulo.

I looked around and saw myself inside our room. Napatingin ako sa dalawang kamay ko nang manginig ito at kusang bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga nangyari.

My eyes watered. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luhang tumulo mula sa mata ko at umalis ng kama. Kinuha ko ang sling bag ko sa bedside table at mabilis na lumabas ng kwarto. Tahimik ang buong bahay nang makababa ako sa salas. Ang akala ko ay ako lang ang mag-isa doon kaya naman nagulat ako ng makita si Clove na nakaupo sa salas habang nakayuko. He is pinching the bridge of his nose while there are a lot of paper works scattered on the center table along with his laptop.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Nagdire-diretso ako sa paghakbang at napatigil lang nang makita ko siyang lumapit sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang braso ko pero mabilis kong pinalis ang kamay niya habang walang emosyon ang mukhang nakatitig sa kanya.

"Baby, let me explain please---"

"Explain?" Pagak akong natawa. "Ano pa bang kailangan mong ipaliwanag sa akin, Clove? I clearly heard everything the four of you said so what else is there to explain huh?"

"Nayi.." hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at tinitigan ako sa mga mata ko.

His eyes looked weary and tired. It looked so desperate while looking at me but I didn't let it bug me.

No. Don't be so soft this time, Nayi. Please. Spare yourself from the pain this time.

"I.. I didn't know what to do. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sa'yo ang totoo nang hindi ka nasasaktan. I wanted to tell you. I really do, I swear, Nayi. You know that I don't like lying to you."

"Don't make that as an excuse, Clove." Pinalis ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa akin. "The fact that you lied to me still remains. There's no excuse to what you did."

"Nayi---"

"Is it true? When Kuya Jarvin said that I wasn't the reason of your brother's death and that accident was really made for you and him, is that true? Was I really just used as a pawn?"

Tinitigan ako ni Clove. Matagal siyang hindi nakasagot at nang dahan dahan siyang tumango ay pakiramdam ko ay nawarak ang puso ko. I can feel my heart slowly shattering to pieces. My mind went blank again. Biglang bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga pinagdaanan ko nitong mga nakalipas na taon.

I can still remember myself who suffered from the guilt and pain every fucking day. The guilt I felt back then, it is still with me. It never left me. The pain is still eating me and it's making me mad.

Are they saying I suffered for nothing? Are they saying that I felt guilty for nothing? That the pain and guilt I felt back then shouldn't have happened in the first place?

Tumingin ako kay Clove habang pinipigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. "How long have you knew about this?"

Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin. "It's been six years now."

"Six years?" I laughed in disbelief. "Six years and you're telling me now? Really, Clove?"

"I was planning to tell you. Hindi lang ako makahanap ng tamang oras. Palagi akong inuunahan ng takot ko kaya hindi ko magawang masabi ang totoo sa'yo."

"You knew I was s-suffering." My voice cracked. Hindi ko inaasahan ang biglang pagtulo ng luha ko pero hindi ko na pinansin 'yon at tinitigan lang siya. "You knew all the pain that I went through but you still lied to me."

"Nayi..."

"I suffered for years, Clove! I didn't know what to do! Sa ilang taong lumipas, walang araw na hindi ko kinamuhian ang sarili ko. I lost my self love! After I left you, I never once loved myself again. I never tried to love myself again. Araw araw akong pinapatay ng konsensya ko. Araw araw akong nagmamakaawa sa Diyos na sana ako nalang ang namatay sa aksidenteng 'yon at hindi ang kuya mo. I was begging for forgiveness. I was desperate. The pain and guilt that I was feeling is constantly eating me and it's fucking killing me. I was sorry for you. I was sorry for your family for destroying it. I was sorry for everything. I blamed myself for years. Walang araw na hindi ko sinisi ang sarili ko dahil sa kasalanang alam kong walang kapatawaran. I was angry at myself. I was sorry for all of you."