This diary belongs to: A little blonde brat.

~*♪ Day one ♪*~

Dear diary,

So, I've never written in a diary before and my psychologist said it helps with mental illnesses. I've been seeing her for a while and she does help but she's my bandage, not my medicine.

I woke up to Claude being a cold hearted prick. He delayed my orders and I was made to stay in my pyjamas for an extra half hour, he didn't even dress me during that time the jerk.

I love Claude so much, he's my everything but he just doesn't understand me the way I want him to. I know he's a demon, a stoic one at that, and not intending to sound pathetic but I am a child with a dark past so surely he can be a little less of a bitch.

So...Um, breakfast. I had some fancy omelette thingy that has a weird ass name I can't pronounce, Claude made it so it was delicious. I'm going to continue slapping down random thoughts that pop into my head.

I've spent so much time in my room lately which is odd for me since I normally hate the silence, feeling of isolation and loneliness. If I turn off the light I'll feel hands, hands all over me. It's disgusting I can't get rid of the feeling, the old man touched me everywhere and it drives me crazy. I can't be pure for the person I love and it kills me, I feel so dirty and un pure, maybe Claude is right to hate me.

Im so tired of life and living. Being alone with demons who hate you. I feel vulnerable and sick. I should show them, I'm stronger than them, I'm superior to all of them. Filthy demons and their desires, almost worse than humans. I should play with Hannah for a while, she's always entertaining but it never fills the void inside of me, in fact it makes me hate myself even more. I don't know exactly why I enjoy inflicting pain upon beings as pathetic and caring as her, well... I do know. It's because she pretends to care so well that I almost believe her, the way she acts and looks at me, it's like a human mother but she's not human and she's not a loving mother. She's a disgusting demon and she merely wants my filthy soul.

~*~

I just arrived back from town but maybe I should bring my diary next time. The townspeople must find me a monstrosity or a beauty, either way they didn't tear their eyes away from me. I had no choice but to ignore them since I had asked Claude to take me in the first place, I wanted to be somewhere outside with him because I was alone and bored. He never looks me in the eye anymore and he avoids all of the time we spend alone together, he doesn't even sleep with me when there's thunderstorms anymore.

Fucking asshole.

He makes good food so I really shouldn't complain too much, it just lacks heart. Sebastian cooks with purpose, he craves that arrogant bluenette's soul so much he has almost developed feelings for him and so, his cooking tastes brilliant. Claude's cooking is like the ice that forms around a popsicle, but Sebastian's cooking is like the popsicle its self, sweet and refreshing.

Life. What is the purpose to it? I think I'd have not minded ending mine yesterday, or the day before.

Ciel did stab me a few months ago, almost a year ago really. Every time I look at the scar I wonder why Claude saved me? I wonder if it would have been nice to just die. Maybe Claude enjoyed watching me fuck up and isolate myself so that my only friends were my worst nightmares or maybe he cares just a little. He never craved my soul, for if he did, he'd have let me die and consumed it.

The triplets constantly whisper. I know they're whispering about me and my sadistic ways but I couldn't give less fucks if I tried. Little shits.

I broke Hannah's nose today. Before my bath time she was being incompetent and attempted to wash me with her filthy demon hands. Disgusting.

I'm finally ready for bed now, I don't want to sleep because I know I'll have to endure another night of hell, and not the hell with fancy looking demons either. My hell. My hell is mind destroying and I'm lucky I don't just die of a panic attack in my sleep. The nightmares won't ever stop but Claude doesn't comfort me anymore and I don't know what I did. Next week he's going to treat me extra well to try and trick me into thinking me cares. He doesn't. Neither do I. I've given up, I wish he'd just kill me and take my soul.

I've always thought of how it would feel to be a demon. Although I don't wish it, eternal life would be horrific. When I die I'll get to see Luka. That beautiful boy.

I'm going to sleep now, I'll try and keep all the bad thoughts out by thinking of my beloved Luka. Good night me. I have to bid myself a goodnight because if I don't, I know Claude won't. He hates me after all and I am always going to be alone. Good night Luka, I hope we may meet again soon.

-Alois ☆〜