This diary belongs to: A little blonde brat.

~*♪Day Ten♪*~

Dear diary,

I wonder if many other children my age imagine dark places like I do? I keep telling myself I'm safe and I'm okay but I can't lie to myself anymore, it's stupid and immature.

I want help but I'm too afraid to get it, I want love but I'm too afraid to try, I want to be okay but I'm too afraid to just be fine.

My head is like a room, one that is empty and dark and lonely, one without furniture or people or good things. My head is a black room but just outside the door is light, it's the brightest light I've ever seen, yet the door keeps closing when I reach out for the light.

Why? Why does it close for me Luka?

I hate it. I hate the door and I hate the room. I hate my head and I hate myself. It's not fucking going away and I keep trying to make it leave! Why won't it stop?

I've always been a unique child amongst many but my head keeps changing, one minute I want to laugh but it won't come out, the next I can't stop. The days where the darkness comes back are the worst, I can't smile and I can't stay happy, not to mention how little sleep I get. I'm scared of being alone and left to my own thoughts, if I am, I know I will do something bad.

When I'm alone I'm thrown back into that dark room, I'm thrown in there and forced to put on my most convincing of smiles. It's like a fucking mask and I hate it. Girls my age will start wearing make up, whereas I'm forced to cake on an emotional mask of fake security and happiness. People when they find out can never understand how much it hurts...It hurts so much...

I am pathetic and undeserving of this empty life I've been cursed with.

I've stopped eating. I don't have an appetite anymore, the thought of taking care of myself makes me sick to the stomach, it's not like I deserve to be fed. If anyone knew that I punished myself in so many ways they would hate me.

But they could never, ever hate me like I hate myself.

-Alois☆〜