Keep Me Close - Joshler

3

The t shirt incident happened about a week ago and I've since noticed Josh glancing at me more and more. I also found myself thinking about my appearance more and more often. Not like I already didn't, but it was taking up more of my thinking. I was suddenly more aware of how I looked and how people were looking at me.

Tonight, we decided Josh was coming over for dinner at my house. He always wanted to be included in taco night, and my family didn't mind one bit. They saw him similar to how Josh's family sees me. Didn't have an "open door" policy or anything weird like that. He was just another extension of our family.

I liked that he had a car and was able to drive. Although it was starting to cool down, I got hot while walking home in my hoodie, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to take it off. When Josh drives us home, the hoodie can stay on. I really liked that.

"Hey Tear?" He spoke up, turning the volume on the car radio down.  "Yeah?" I responded. Without looking away from the road, he asked me a question I dreaded. "Why do you always wear a hoodie, or any kind of sweatshirt? You weren't like this a few months ago." My depression wasn't at an all time low a few months ago. Depressed? Yes. But not at this level.

"I just feel comfortable in them." Was all I said. It wasn't a lie, just not specific. "Being in a hoodie in heat cannot be comfortable." He challenged. I rolled my eyes. He happened to glance at me as I did. "Dude why have you been acting like this?" He asked. "Like what?" I was starting to get more and more agitated. "Closed off. Hidden. Weird. We're best friends, right?" I could tell he was getting more upset by the way his knuckles were turning white on the steering wheel.

"I just haven't been feeling right lately. Can we leave this alone?" I asked as he pulled into my driveway. He took the keys out of the ignition, sighing deeply as he ran his fingers through his hair. "No. We need to talk about this and we will talk about it in your room." I huffed, getting out and slamming the door shut before he had the chance to speak again. He got out and caught up to me as I unlocked the front door, being grateful to know that we could have this conversation while no one else was home.

We went down the hallway to my room and I slammed the door shut once he got in. "Calm down, Terra." Josh said sternly. I just looked up at him, currently wishing he wasn't staying for dinner. He grabbed my hands, gently leading me to the edge of my bed to sit down. I complied. Something in me hurt as he took his hands away from me. He looked down at his hands as he spoke, his underlying anxiety starting to show through; he doesn't make eye contact when he's anxious. 

"I'm worried about you." He muttered, fingers beginning to tremble slightly. "Why?" I asked. I started feeling anxiety tingle in my chest. He took a shaky breath. "Like I said, you didn't used to act like this. You used to tell me when something was wrong. I feel like you're keeping something from me." He took a quick look at me and I could tell it hurt him to say it. 

There was a heavy silence between us for a moment before I actually could get words out. "I've just been going through some shit." I began fidgeting with my fingers too. "Will you tell me what it is?" He asked, looking at me for a second. "Not yet." I whispered. 

"Tear?" I still avoided eye contact with him. "Are you gay?" My eyes widened and I found myself beginning to laugh. He looked confused before he started laughing too. It was uncontrollable. I flopped backwards, laying on the bed and laughing even harder. Tears were starting to form in my eyes. Within seconds, Josh was next to me, laughing just as hard. I didn't even know what was so funny. I just wasn't expecting that question, I guess.

After a couple minutes and a few shaky breaths, our laughter began to die down. I turn to look at him lying next to me, finding that he's doing the same. I felt my breathing get slower as I noticed how close we were. "You didn't answer my question." He whispered, looking into my eyes. I couldn't look away. Something just felt warm inside of me. "I'm not a lesbian, Josh. I only like guys." I whispered back.

Yes, I was gay, but he didn't know that. He didn't know that for me, gay was liking guys. I was a guy on the inside, but he didn't know that either. I knew what he meant. He wanted to know if I was a lesbian. So I didn't totally lie. I answered the question he thought he asked.

He nodded. We sat in silence for a moment more, just staring at each other, before I found control of my body again. I began to sit up until he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, this time even closer to him. "I have to tell you something though." He said, letting go of my arm to fidget with his fingers again. "Okay." I said just as quiet."

"I'm, uh, wow I haven't said this out loud yet." He muttered, getting more fidgety. I turned so my whole body was facing him, completely on my side. He still stayed on his back, staring at my plain white ceiling. "Take your time." I whispered, my eyes scanning his face. I couldn't tell if I was envious or attracted. Either way, my chest felt tighter. 

"No more pussy-ing around." He said, turning his body to face me, replicating my position. "I'm bisexual." He admitted. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. Part of my brain got a little excited. I was silent for a second and I could see fear start to drift into his face.

"I'm glad you told me." I was also jealous that he was able to admit his biggest secret, but I wasn't. A small smile started blossoming on his face and relief started flooding his features, his body noticeably relaxing. I began to notice how close we were. Inches away from each other. I felt warmer, as though my sweatshirt was getting thicker and heavier by the second. 

He licked his lips. I did too. I don't know why. Why did I feel like this? His eyes drifted away from mine, traveling lower on my face to my lips. I knew what was coming, but that didn't mean I was fully ready for it.

We moved our faces closer until our noses were brushing against each other. We looked into each others eyes until it finally happened.

I felt chapped lips on my own, moving slowly. My eyes closed and I found myself kissing him back. This was my first kiss. I had no fucking clue as to what I was doing. I was just doing what felt right. His hands came and rested softly on my cheeks, almost tickling from how gentle the touch was, and I couldn't stop myself from putting my hands on his neck, both of us bringing each other closer.

After an unknown amount of time, we pulled away, hands still in the same position. My breathing felt labored, but it didn't bother me. "That was my first kiss." I muttered. He chuckled, smile on his face. "I know." I felt a little nervous. "Was I okay?" I asked. His thumb rubbed my cheek. "You were great, actually. I was starting to wonder if you already secretly had your first kiss." I smiled.

"Kids! I'm home!" My mom yelled from downstairs and we immediately sat up. I opened my door and yelled down the hall that we were doing homework before closing the door again. I didn't bother going downstairs because I knew my face was still flushed. I sat next to Josh on my bed. It was awkward until he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. 

We sat in my bed and watched YouTube, still holding hands, until mom called us down for dinner. We sat at the table, hiding what happened upstairs. I wanted to keep my closed door privilege. We just pretended like nothing happened. 

After dinner, Josh said he'd grab his backpack then drive home. I joined him in my room, looking outside the doorway before giving him a soft, quiet kiss goodbye.

That night, I know I went to bed smiling.