Keep Me Close - Joshler

4

*A chapter in Josh's POV*

I walked in the back door, smile still on my face from what happened at Terra's house. I'm glad she at least reciprocated my feelings. Today was really, really good. I came out as bi to my best friend, I kissed my friend, had an amazing dinner, it was really good. I couldn't help but still worry about Terra. 

I know she has depression and stuff, but I don't really feel like this is just depression. I though maybe she had to come out, but I guess I was wrong.

"I'm home!" I yelled through the house, taking my shoes off. They already knew where I was, but I still found it best to tell them. As I walked up the stairs, I thought of an idea. I headed to Ashley's room, knocking a couple times. "Who is it?" She said through the door. "It's Josh. I need some advice." I said. A moment passes and she opens the door, clearly confused. 

"What kind of advice?" She leads me into her room before closing the door and sitting on her unmade bed while I sat on her desk chair. "Girl advice. You're a girl and I have questions. " I said. Before I could even say who I was talking about, she spoke up. "It's about Terra, huh?" She asked knowingly. I nodded. "Tell me what's going on." She crossed her legs, getting more comfortable.

"Well, you know how she came over last week, right?" She nodded. "Something happened." I said. "Go on..." She replied. "It wasn't anything romantic or anything." I clarified, face starting to feel warm because of my memories. "We were in my room and she was changing into one of my t shirts. Mom made her because she was wearing a hoodie without a shirt and mom didn't believe she wasn't hot. I didn't mean to, but I looked at her and this sounds bad, but I could tell she was wearing two sports bras. At the same time." I explained. 

Her face expressed confusion. "That is very weird." She muttered. "Do you know why she would do that?" I asked. She shook her head. She stood up and walked to her computer desk, wiggling the mouse to wake it up before opening Google and looked up 'Why would someone wear two sports bras?'. I just sat in the chair as she stood watching her. 

The first thing that popped up discussed how women with larger chests do it to make exercise easier. "That's not right." She muttered. "How do you know?" I asked as she scrolled down a little. "It talks about girls with larger chests. Even if she wears two bras, I can tell she does not have a double D chest. She's a B, maybe a C at most." She explained, clicking one of the related links. It asked about the safe ways of something called 'chest binding'. "What does that mean?" I asked, pointing to it.

She clicked it, opening a new website. The article talked about how to safely 'bind'. I couldn't tell what any of this meant. "Some people bind their chest as a way of dealing with chest dysphoria, presenting as masculine in public spaces or even just cosplaying as a character with a flat chest." She read aloud, eyebrows furrowed. I was only getting more confused. "I don't know what this means." I said, rubbing my hands over my face. "I don't either." She muttered. 

She went back to the search box, this time looking up 'chest dysphoria'. Results came immediately, talking about 'transmasculine' people. Before I could even speak up, she was looking that up too. I finally saw a word I understood. Transgender. Things started semi clicking. "Is this starting to make any sense to you? You're her best friend here." Ashley asked after a while of looking a bunch of things up. I nodded slightly. "Kind of." I said.

"Does she seem like this?" She asked. I shrugged. "I haven't really been paying too much attention." I mumbled. She looked down at me. "Go to bed, dude. It's late." I nodded along, standing up. "Thanks. Goodnight." I said while walking out of her room and into mine.

I stripped and got into the shower connected to my bedroom. My mind was filled with a ton of words and information that I learned about tonight. Was that it? Was Terra transgender? Some of the articles said that lesbians sometimes bind, but she's not a lesbian. That kiss was something.

I took a few sleeping pills before bed, knowing it would be difficult to slow my thoughts. I dreamed of her that night.

---

We didn't really talk about the kiss afterwards, but I spent the next few days studying Terra intensely. I took mental notes, which made me feel creepy but I couldn't stop myself. She never wore makeup and always had her hair pulled back, but it's not like I didn't notice that a while ago. I did notice, however, that she constantly pulled on the front of her sweatshirts to make it not touch her chest. She did that constantly. She would also cringe at the sound of her own name.

Another week had passed and we'd exchange sneaky touches and looks, but I wanted another kiss. At lunch, she asked me what I hoped for. "You wanna come over for dinner tonight?" She asked, big smile on her face. I smiled just as big. "Of course, Tear." She smirked slightly before continuing to eat her lunch, all of our friends oblivious to us holding hands under the table. 

I drove us home after school, mind racing with one question; should I ask her about the whole transgender thing? We got to her house and went up to her room. As soon as the door shut, she pulled me down by my neck and kissed me. I was shocked at first but quickly kissed back. 

She started getting rougher, tugging on the neckline of my shirt and starting to nibble on my bottom lip. "Tear I wanna ask you something." I said, pulling away, out of breath. She looked up at me, cheeks pink. "Yeah?" She asked. I grabbed her hand and led her to her bed, sitting beside her. I could feel her hand tense up in mine.

I took a deep breath. "I know you told me not to talk about it but-" I got cut off. "Listen, me wearing two sports bras is not a bad thing, dude. I don't know why you're so hung up on it." She started raising her voice a little, but I knew it wasn't intentional. She does that when she's nervous. "I want to talk about it." I said sternly.

She shot up from the bed and looked down at me. "There's nothing to talk about! You're overreacting over something so itty bitty, dude. Why does it matter?" She was getting louder, her hands were shaking, she looked scared. I shot up this time. "Are you transgender?" I matched her voice, just as loud. The look on her face was indescribable. 

"How did you know?" She whispered after a minute. I sat back down, holding her, hand. "I did some research with Ashley." I admitted. She was quiet for a minute, then a sniffle, then she began sobbing. I grabbed her and held her in my lap. I felt tears against my neck and shirt, but I didn't care. I just rubbed her back, saying that everything was okay. 

After a while, I noticed the sobbing go down. "Tear?" I asked. Big brown eyes met mine. "What would you like me to call you?" I asked. "Tyler, please." HE whispered. "Tyler. It suits you." I said. He smiled. I kissed his nose. "Tyler." "Yeah?" 

I couldn't erase the smile on my face as I asked a very, very important question.

"Will you be my boyfriend?"