Obsession

Chapter 3

I can't remember a single time in my life that I was ever this close to Kai Sweeney. I also can't remember a time when my heart felt like it was going to leap right out of my chest and into my lap. My nerves are squeezing the air from my lungs, making it hard to breathe. The lack of oxygen leaves me feeling dizzy. Nothing feels real anymore; it all feels like a dream.

Kai hasn't spoken a word since we got into his car. I didn't expect him to, but it would certainly make this ride less awkward if he did. Maybe I should say something?

"Thanks for the ride," I say softly.

He doesn't reply, doesn't even nod.

I turn my attention to the window while my heart deflates in Kai's hands, once again. Sometimes I wonder if he knows what he's doing to me. Does he have any idea that I think about him almost every second of the day? Does he know that I've dreamed up thousands of possible scenarios between us?

If he does know, he doesn't care and never has. But that's how obsession works. No matter how impossible something may seem, sometimes it's so hard to let go of the what if's and the what could be's.

I refuse to let him go without a fight. I've never told him how I feel. Maybe I should at least give it a shot before I write him off forever. And since this is the closest I've been to him in seven years, this might be the only chance I get.

I look over at him as he drives us along. His perfect skin seems to glow in the dim light. His eyes are focused on the road, but there's something about his demeanor that tells me my presence may be affecting him just as much as his is me.

"Why don't you ever talk to me, Kai? We've lived next door to each other for years and this is the first time we've ever really been near each other."

I'm not surprised when he doesn't say anything, but it hurts. It hurts to know that the one guy I want, that I've always wanted, is never going to want me.

I turn my attention back to the window, fighting back the tears I feel coming. All I want to do now is run upstairs to my room, bury my face in my pillows and cry myself to sleep.

I'm crumbling on the inside, right here, right now, and he has no idea it's all because of him. I want to scream at him. I want to demand some kind of explanation. Some kind of closure. Something to make me forget about him and move on.

But I can't speak. The second I open my mouth, I'd only turn into a sobbing mess.

He doesn't want me.

I think I've always known that and honestly, I think it's why I watch him from a distance. If I don't get too close,  he can't hurt me.

How does that saying go? If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned?

Well, Kai is fire and right now, I'm melting under his intense heat.

He pulls up in front of my house and I waste no time getting out of the car. I have to get away from him and out from under the crushing weight of his rejection before I lose it.

As I'm walking up to my front door, I hear his car door open.

"Mara..."

I turn around to see him walking toward me. Every bone in my body stiffens and my heart pounds rapidly.

He stops just inches from me and for the first time ever, his eyes meet mine. He hesitates, searching my eyes as if he wants to find something there.

"I'm not the kind of guy you need. You should just forget about me."

I'm hit with a mixture of confusion, pain and relief all at once. I open my mouth to speak, but I don't even know where to start. I want to tell him he's wrong, but what if he's not? I don't know anything about him.

Not giving me a chance to respond, he turns and walks quickly back to his car. I stand in the same spot and watch him leave. He doesn't look back as he drives one house over and pulls into the driveway.

Feeling the tears coming, I hurry inside and up the stairs to my bedroom. I slam my the door shut alerting my mom that I've arrived home. Within seconds, she's knocking.

"Mara? Is everything okay?" she asks gently.

My mom has always known about my little crush, as she calls it; although we both know there's nothing little about it. She's always told me that I could do better, but Kai is all I've ever wanted since the moment I met him. She insists that my obsession isn't healthy and that there's plenty of fish in the sea. I know she's right. Deep down, I knew she was right all along. I just thought things might turn out differently if Kai actually gave me a chance.

I pull myself up out of the bed and drag my feet to the door. When I open it, my mom is standing there in her dark gray bath robe with her brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She's holding two mugs in her hands and offers one of them to me.

I gladly take it and return to my bed. She sits down next to me and her soft, blue eyes meet mine, begging for me to open up to her.

"I saw Kai dropped you off. What happened to your car?" she finally asks.

"I don't know, dead battery I guess. And then my phone died. I was walking over to Anna and Rue's apartment when Kai saw me and offered to give me a ride home."

Her eyebrows raise in surprise. "Wow. That's so...unlike him."

I laugh through my tears. "I know."

"So why are you crying?" she asks.

I take a sip of the piping hot coco before answering. "You know how I've always wanted Kai to give me some kind of sign? Something that would tell me to give up and move on?" She nods, so I continue. "Well, he made it pretty clear tonight. He told me he's not the kind of guy I need and I should forget about him."

Mom seems relieved. She plants her hand firmly on my shoulder. "He's not, Mara. You already know that. Don't cry over this boy. Move on." She drops her hand and a playful smirk spreads across her face. "So who is this Leo guy?"

"What? How do you know him?" I ask quickly.

"I don't," she chuckles. "But he's the guy you were dancing with tonight, right?" she asks, pulling up his most recent Instagram post on her phone.

"So I see you've stalked him already," I laugh.

She shrugs and tosses her head from side to side, making her ponytail swing back and forth. "You knew it was only a matter of time. The second Anna told me about him, I looked him up."

I look down at Leo's photo and sigh. He really is good looking. And that smile...

"He's not my type," I say, forcing myself to look away.

"What? Why not? He's so cute!" she gushes.

"Yeah, he's cute, but..."

"Why don't you just give him a chance?" she asks, rubbing my back soothingly. "You've been so hung up on Kai that you've barely paid attention to anyone else. Forget about him and actually open yourself up to someone new."

She kisses my cheek before exiting the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I wish it was easy to forget about Kai and open myself up to someone new; someone like Leo. But he's not Kai. And I feel like I'd compare them and judge Leo unfairly, based on unrealistic expectations that I made up in my own head.

I pull out my phone and find the same photo of Leo I was just looking at with my mom. I smile to myself. Maybe he's not aesthetically perfect like Kai is, but he's gorgeous, nonetheless. And there's something about his smile, something that makes him really hard to ignore.

"Shit!" I hiss when I accidentally double tap his photo, alerting him to my stalkerish ways.