Out of My Heart and My Mind

A New Creation

T.J couldn't help thinking about trying out a whoopie pie recipe. When Jason asked him about cooking, it brought his mind back to high school. It was in the later part of his freshman year, if he remembered correctly, when he first entered the class. The teacher was nice, if a bit loud at times, but seeing as the course centered around cooking for other people it was to be expected. In fact, he didn't mind it much at all. Some people in the class were less than friendly, though, plus they were just in it to eat what they made (which T.J himself was often guilty of).

He ended up going into the second class during his sophomore year. His teacher left to pursue a new degree, making way for a new one to take her place. This one was fine, but he preferred the first overall. The second class didn't seem as fun as before, the reason blurred to the boy. He remembered having some fun moments and working on presenting dishes, but it just didn't feel as impactful as the first.

Maybe it was because of his shifting interest at the time? Perhaps within that time, that burning desire to create food was dulled. It was to be replaced by a new desire involving computers and programs, dots and numbers. He could remember it, his focus slowly shifting from servicing others to visualizing his—

"T.J!", he was jerked out of his stupor by Xavier, who was standing beside him on the sidewalk to Wanda's office building.

"You alright? You seemed like you were in a daze."

"I was just...thinking about work."

"What about it?"

T.J immediately felt the urge to groan at the follow-up. He pushed it down, though, knowing the raccoon wouldn't take a vague answer. If he were being honest, he actually liked talking to Xavier. He seemed like a good friend to him, someone to load his problems onto. He's still incredibly stubborn, though, but it was becoming more and more like a positive than a negative.

"Well...", he paused for a moment, "Jason hurt himself at the stove and we ended up talking about cooking. I told him I took a few classes in high school and he suggested I try making whoopie pies."

The raccoon's ears perked up instantly, "Whoopie pies? I love those! I used to eat them a lot when I was young, but I never see them around nowadays."

T.J felt the urge to smile but pushed it back, "I made them back in high school and they were pretty good. For some reason, I completely forgot about them until now."

A grin crossed Xavier's muzzle, "We could make them together, Y'know. There's tons of recipes online, so it should be easy."

His face heated up a little, "I guess we could try it—"

"Yes!"

"But we're doing red velvet with cream cheese. Those are the ones I like."

"Fine by me."

~~*~~

T.J once again found himself alone with Wanda. The first session went deeper than he wanted it to go, but he had to admit it felt good venting about his past. Talking to yourself day after day can be exhausting, especially when you're only going off of your own experiences to find out what your problems are. T.J wanted to believe he knew what was wrong with him, but there was always a small part of him that doubted it.

"So...", he started, "what were we talking about last time?"

"You went into your childhood and how you were outgoing as opposed to now.", the tigress responded.

"Right...", he sighed, "Like I said before, I wasn't always like this. I could say we all start out that way, but that'd just be cliche. It's pretty much a classic case of childish ignorance."

"I'm not sure if ignorance is the right word.", Wanda said with a worried expression, "When you're young, you don't know all the ramifications of how the world works. It's only natural for you to see things from a skewed perspective."

"Still, I can't help looking back at myself back then and cringing. As I got older, I slowly saw the world for what it is and kept trying to distance myself from the child. It certainly didn't help that I kept having to deal with annoying people that wanted to start trouble with me."

"They always say to ignore it, Y'know? It doesn't seem that simple, now that I think about it.", his expression hardened, "It's nothing but a complete joke to anyone who's suffering in the world. Some people can't do it, and those that can probably wouldn't be able to keep up the charade for very long. In the end of it, we're all just time bombs ticking away until that point where we can't take it anymore— and when that does happen, nothing can prepare us for what happens next!"

He was visbly shaking at this point, fists trembling hard. Wanda could feel the rage slowly leaking out of him, years of pent-up frustration making its way to the surface. In a way, she could understand what the boy felt. She always heard that suggestion of ignoring the bullies, but it never seemed easy. Not everyone could keep their emotions in check, and not for very long if possible.

"Sorry.", she barely heard it, "You get my point, though. Past me was smart, but the majority of the time I was naive and stupid."

"But you've learned from those mistakes, haven't you?", Wanda asked, "It's okay to look back and acknowledge mistakes being made in the past, but there's a line to it. You can go from assessing your past self to pushing yourself down."

"Well it seems like I'm doing the latter.", he said, "I'm not even surprised given how I usually am..."

"How are you feeling usually?", she asked gently.

"Most of the time? I guess I'm fine, but the main problem comes when something happens. I can be in a good mood for maybe a few hours before someone barges in and kills the buzz. For the most part, I function better on my own without anyone stressing me out."

"I assume this counts towards your family as well, correct?"

"About eighty percent of the time nowadays.", he said before his eyes widened, "That doesn't mean I hate them, though! I do care about them, it's just that they're either dragging me around or consistently annoying me when I don't want to be bothered— which is basically all the time."

Wanda furrowed her brow, "Were things ever different with them in the past, like how you were?"

"If there were changes, I sure didn't notice. There were some things that happened in the family, but we still held close. If anything, it's puberty that caused it— well, for me it would be the constant bullying coupled with that, but you get the idea."

The tigress wanted to dig deeper into the boy. As interesting as it was to look into his past and see how it changed him into who he is now, it didn't seem to give much insight into his overlying problem. Sure, he was bullied in the past and found solace in being alone, but there's something beneath all that. She could see it in his eyes, they're covering a bigger issue that's beneath all of those memories.

She could see the cracks slowly forming on the wall T.J put up over himself. She's breaking through, and soon enough she'll see what his real problem is.