Newly Written Reviews

Empire Burning

Hello. Dante_Greywolf here. Please note this is based on the first four chapters. I am not a professional reviewer so I'm doing this based on my experience and gut-feeling. Don't forget, I'm just one opinion.

Cover: 6/10

With a title like Empire Burning, I'm expecting burning buildings, fields, or castles. This cover is pretty static and only shows the ruin. The font is simple but works well. Keep the font, change the picture.

Summary: 7/10

The summary is sweet but short and follows the formula of world + character(s) + conflict. I would remove the 'or worse' since it breaks the flow. I would also pick either describing Zandale as an Empress or explaining that her husband is the Emperor. Otherwise there's too much repetition (Empire, Empress, Emperor)

In the Empire of Busk, Zandale faces imprisonment at the hands of her husband, the Emperor.

I also can't help but think the summary is lacking something. I wanna get an idea of where the story is heading after the imprisonment and one of the slaves telling a lie. Will they run to another kingdom? Start a war? Tell your reader what stakes are at hand, without spoiling the plot, of course.

Title: 9/10

Your title is a perfect example of how a title shouldn't be complex to get a gist of the story. It's vague yet intriguing. Tempted to give a 10, but since I can't tell yet the relevance to the entire story, I'm giving a 9.

Grammar/Spelling: 9/10

I can only nitpick here, so also a nearly perfect score.

, and desperate hope seizes her... (you only wrote ..)

"Let go of me," she snarls...

"Your father."

"Lady, your Father—" (if you wanna get a dash, the code is alt + 0151)

"Shut up. Stop babbling." She feels...

I would also decide between keeping italics for inner thoughts or adding tags like 'she thinks'. I know certain published novels alternate between the two, but I always find it cleaner when an author sticks to one of the two.

Also, try to get closer to your character(s) when writing them. Remove all filter words that tell the reader that they are seeing/musing/... This technique is called deep pov. In chapter 4, for instance, when the boy appears for Sparrow, you can combine those two paragraphs into one and see things happening as Sparrow sees them. Then add Sparrow's reaction in the next paragraph.

A boy appears, still young enough to enter the women's quarters freely. He is out of breath, sweat beading on his forehead and upper lip. "The Emperor asks for you."

"Sit," she says. "Drink. I'll find my way alone." She motions to where a pitcher of water has been left. The Emperor still wants her, then. She will go to him, and all will be well.

Plot: 9/10

You had me here. Halfway into the first chapter I forgot that I was reading this to be reviewed. I got so sucked into the story (those marvellous descriptions!) my coffee grew cold.

In fantasy stories we often see girls shipped off to marry a King/Lord/Emperor at the story. I really enjoyed that you started the story a couple of months into their marriage, with the Emperor not pleased with the deal he struck. Zandale has nowhere to go, not with her family dead or her husband wanting to imprison her. I'm curious how the story will proceed for Zandale. Had there been more chapters from her pov, I would have binged them all.

Chapters 3, 4, and 5 introduce Sparrow and Lark, two Songbirds (excellent worldbuilding). They can best be described as concubines and there is some bitter rivalry between the two. At this stage, I'm not sure yet why both Sparrow and Lark have their pov, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt right now that they will go their separate ways in a couple of chapters and tell different sides of the story.

Characters: 7/10

Zandale is the Empress against her will, stuck in a country that is not her own, with people that hate her. It's a popular trope in fantasy novels, but you give Zandale enough character to make her stand out. You show her as vulnerable but not weak. In some ways the relationship she has with the Emperor reminds me of Sansa Stark's arrangement to Joffrey.

A small note: In your opening paragraph I would mention how many months it has been. Since Zandale hates being in that position, it's something your character would keep track of.

Then Lark. She seems to be in a similar position as Zandale. She's a Songbird, but sleeping with the Emperor doesn't please her (though she does see the advantages). She's pregnant with a child, which she claims is the Emperor's but I can't tell whether she's lying or embarrassed because it's his. I would love to see some more backstory from her (how she became a Songbird, and whether she has any other lovers at court, why she dislikes the Emperor)

Sparrow is a squeaker, a tell-tale, the betrayer. She immediately regrets what she has done, which I personally found a missed opportunity for Sparrow to be entirely different than Lark and Zandale. If it's the Emperor she wants, and she dislikes Lark, then this should please her. It will bring her step closer to become the top songbird and no longer be that little bird with fragile, hollow bones. It's okay to write characters your readers will love to hate. In fact, it's mandatory.

Overall: 8/10

So, when I can expect the next chapter? Your story has been added to my library. I'm a fan.