Newly Written Reviews

Among the Fallen

Hello. Dante_Greywolf here. Please note this is based on the first four chapters. I am not a professional reviewer so I'm doing this based on my experience and gut-feeling. Don't forget, I'm just one opinion.

Cover: 8/10

The cover is beautiful and very appealing. It's something I would pick up in a bookstore, eager to read the summary and learn what the story is about. The only reason I'm not given more than an 8 is that I don't see the connection with the story. The protagonist is a teen boy. So why is there a girl on the cover? (she's also not mentioned in the summary)

Summary: 7/10

Not bad at all. It's always good to mention achievements. People like reading successful books. Also good job on introducing the main character, Lucian Roux, his conflict and the change in his life (fleeing the village). I am missing some greater conflict, a kind of antagonist, to make the summary and thus the story stand out. It can be as simple as 'His only friend and mentor, Felix, is not who he seems to be. Soon Lucian is caught in a web of lies, a warrior in a fight amongst Fallen Gods and Gods Reincarnate.' (the last bit is based on what I think will happen. I could be very wrong, but it's to give you an idea)

Title: 9/10

Since Lucian is a Fallen One, can guess his freedom leads to him meeting more Fallen Ones. So the title makes sense.

Grammar/Spelling: 6/10

When I look at grammar and spelling in the narrow sense of the word, I was only able to find a few punctuation errors:

e.g. His vision wavered as he dipped in and out...

e.g. reminded him of one undeniable fact: this was his reality

Sounds (thump! thud!) don't need the exclamation mark. You only do this in the first chapter, the other instances are fine.

A few continuation/goof errors:

He yelled with a bloody cry, wiping the drops of...

While I wonder how I cry can be bloody, the issue with this sentence is that you can't yell and wipe drops off your mouth at the same time. If you try, you wouldn't be yelling. The sound would be muffled by your hand.

Weaving like a needle through a string (you weave through cloth, silk, linen,...)

"You're so quiet today," Felix said. "It's unlike you not to say anything. You're usually so talkative."

"Actually," Lucian blurted out, affirming Felix's statement...

The affirming is the one that pulled me out of the narrative. Felix said both that he isn't very talkative right now and that is normally more talkative. So which of the statements is he affirming? (the way in which you use affirm is a bit weird; I only know it in a legal context) Why not go for. "Actually," Lucian blurted out, pretending to be his normal vocal self. "..." or drop the explanation altogether.

But when I looked at your writing style as a whole, I wanna give you the following advice:

1) Less explanation is more fun

Be confident that the reader is cool being thrown into a story without knowing every little detail of the world or the character's life. The balance between showing and explaining is still good in the first half of the first chapter, but by the second half, it seemed like you were trying to squeeze in as much as possible about Lucian, his family, and his village. Apart from the important information that he is the reincarnation of the fallen God, Morpheus, 80% of the other info (e.g. about Melinda, the lengthy disposition about the baths,...) is not needed at this point in the story. I don't care (yet) for all of this information.