Newly Written Reviews

The Unconventional Un-heroine

Hello. Dante_Greywolf here. Please note this is based on the first four chapters. I am not a professional reviewer so I'm doing this based on my experience and gut-feeling. Don't forget, I'm just one opinion.

Cover: 5/10

The cover shows the story is about a teenage girl with paranormal powers. So far so good. However, the eyes do look like a cheap Photoshop trick. The font is quirky and fun, but the 'The' is hard to read. Adding the tag on top in white and moving the title a little to the bottom should fix that issue. I also recommend going for a cover that shows more of who Julie is. This one is too conventional for an unconventional un-heroine.

Summary: 6/10

You start with an introduction of Julie, which is good. I'm a bit lost though when you start talking about her being 'Manifested' as a 'Psych'. What does that mean? Instead of asking questions, already lift the veil of obscurity a little, but don't give too much information either. Keep it simple. Avoid repetition at all times.

I do like how you already describe that this will be a story about a girl with paranormal abilities who also tries to lead a normal teenager's life.

My suggestion:

Julie West. The unconventional un-heroine.

For the last two hundred years no Psych has walked the earth. Until a few months ago, when Julie manifested her psychic abilities. Now she finds herself caught in a war with a shady stalker who has a knack for appearing at the wrong time and a kidnapping duo determined to attain her at all costs. Neither will tell her why.

As if battling villains isn't tiring enough, she also has to deal with a basketball crisis named Arthur, a stormy friendship with [name], a disapproving mother, and all the other ups and downs of high school.

The unconventional un-heroine is a story filled to the brim with sarcasm, mystery, and the fiddly business of accepting who you are and overcoming those that stand in your way.

Title: 6/10

I get it. The attraction of the alliteration, unconventional and un-heroine. But my slightly autistic brain can't get over the fact that the correct term should be anti-heroine, not un-heroine. And since unconventional means the MC doesn't act the way everyone thinks she should act, she's more of an unconventional heroine than actually an anti-heroine or un-heroine.

Personally, I think a short title like Psych or Manifest, or a fun pun that emphases the humour would suit your story much more. Conventional heroes are already a thing of the past. The rise of the unconventional ones (Deadpool, just to name one) has already begun. It's not new anymore. Find something that sets Julie apart.

Grammar/Spelling: 8/10

I only found a couple of minor mistakes.

"I don't know how." The words tumbled...

Learning their ABC's

Mrs. W (missing space)

Your writing style is pleasant to read. You mix up the sentences and I can clearly follow what your MC is doing. The thoughts she reads are very clear, since they're put in italics.

I do miss descriptions of the environment and what your MC is seeing/hearing/sensing. Right now, your story is suffering from white room syndrome. A common mistake for new writers ;)

Plot: 6/10

Let me start by saying that writing (and judging) humour is extremely difficult. What one person finds hilarious is not even remotely funny to another. The Anteaters got a light chuckle from me the first time I read about them, but after a while I found the joke dragged on.

I like that you don't shy away from Julie being an average teenager who doesn't care about what her mother has to say. Your story is as much a paranormal story as it is a teen fiction story, and you pull that off. You also take the time for backstory, which I enjoy. (though don't hesitate to add a little more—perhaps add a prologue of the day she got her powers). I also don't understand why it took months for Julie to join the Guild since they're eager to have the first Psych in two hundred years.

I also liked the basketball game. Since this represents Julie's current life, I think it would be interesting for you to open the story with that. Then go into the Guild stuff and the shadow appearing in her. It represents the change. Your third chapter with the kindergartners was the best. You wrote those kids really well.

A small thing (for which I didn't deduct any points), take out the author's note in chapters 2 (twice), 3, and 4. It's only relevant for chapter 1. Too many author's notes and your readers will lose interest.

Characters: 7/10

Since you present Julie as an average teenager with powers, she is exactly that: a teenager with superpowers. She's a character that your target audience can identify with. Because of this, this mother is also the typical mother-of-a-teenager character. Good, but nothing special.

Jordan or the shadow is a mystery. He randomly appears to warn her, but doesn't give a lot of clues either. He's gone before Julie has the chance to get to know him better, which leaves a lot of room for character building. I hope Jordan pops back up in the story as some kind of guardian 'shadow'.

The kids were funny and acted as I would expect from children that age.

Overall: 6.5/10

The backbone of your story is good. Sure, a girl with rare paranormal powers who is torn between living a normal life and trying to survive isn't new. Neither are unconventional heroes. But when executed well, this could be a fun read. Turn some scenes around, add some more worldbuilding, and tackle the white room syndrome. As for the humour, you'll only learn what works and doesn't work from different test audiences. If 8 out of 10 people find something funny, leave it in. If only 3 find it funny, you might have to try something different. That's how the real comedians do it too. Good luck!