Newly Written Reviews

Queen

Hey, Crimson_Graves here to review your book. Please note everything reflected below is purely my opinion. I am not a professional, I've just had a lot of practice and read a lot of books. Please note by requesting this review, you give me permission to analyze your book and voice my opinion.

Queen
Sraosi

Title: 6/10

The title is simple and to the point. I just feel that the title itself blends in with all the other stories titled Queen on Wattpad. I think adding something more to the title can help pull in more readers. Maybe like Queen's Revenge or something like that to add an extra flair to it.

Cover: 7/10

I love the font and the glowing text effect on the cover. It's super pretty! The girl on the cover is also well manipulated and I love the glow she gives off as well. That being said, I feel like the overall cover is a bit too dark. The text and girl, while glowing, need a brighter appearance to stand out against the background.  Maybe a silver/gold font color would help.

Summary: 6/10

Your summary isn't bad. It does summarize a bit of the plot, giving us the reader a good idea of what the plot will be about. I do think that a bit more could be added about the main character.

Maybe something like this:

Blamed for the tragic murder of her own mother, Scarlet is tormented and abused. After years of treatment, she flees from the pack, swearing revenge upon those who crossed her. When she finds her way back, there will be hell to pay...

Just something like that, and maybe add a bit more. But you get the idea.

Grammar/Spelling: 5/10

Overall the grammar and spelling were polished. I only caught a few mistakes here and there such as peeked being written as peaked.

My main concern is showing vs. telling.

From the chapters I read, everything was told to the reader. From age, werewolf rank, and even the previous abuse is directly told to us. I think taking the time to flesh out the chapters a bit more with showing would help. Let me show you an example.

Telling:

Mommy told me to hide. I did. But when I heard the gunshots I came out.

Showing:

The squeak of sneakers against hardwood interrupted the sound of my quickened breaths. My heart stopped.

An audible pop cut through the air, followed by a scream. The footfalls retreated, leaving only silence in its wake.

"Mommy?" I whimpered, opening the closet door. Squeaky hinges echoed in the quiet house.

No response.

"Mommy?" I repeated.

See how that builds suspense, and still gets the same message across?

I think that is the main thing the story needs to work on a bit-- showing the reader the scene before them and slowing down the narrative to allow us as the reader to grow a connection with your protagonist.

Plot: 3/10

So before I point out some opinions of mine, I wanted to say that I think you have the potential for a great revenge story here. The concept is super cool and I would love to see a werewolf story that focuses on revenge instead of love!

However, there are a few things that took me away from the reading experience. And please remember, this is all my opinion.

First thing I want to focus on is the opening itself. While this sets up the rest of the story, I've found that opening up a book in the middle of a parent's murder has become a bit of a cliche. I'm not saying it can't be done, but to me, it feels a little overdone. Also, contrary to what Wattpad readers demand, you don't have to open with a literal bang. I think you could cut out the prologue all together. I recently read on the forums (hosted by the heads of wattpad) that books with prologues are hardly ever considered for picks. Even with publishing agents, many will overlook a prologue. I would suggest taking the scene from chapter one and incorporating into the story via recollection, flashback, dream, etc. I don't think you need to start right in the action.

Another thing I want to address is the abuse. I understand that werewolf pack mentality is a little different than human mentality, but I found it hard to stomach that the father straight up blames his five-year-old daughter for the murder of the mother just because she wasn't strong enough to protect her mother. I really think if this is the route you want to go, you should make the child a bit older. Maybe closer to the teenage years. It would still leave a traumatic effect on our protagonist and I feel like a teenager holds more responsibility than a five-year-old.

Now onto the abuse itself. Again, I understand this is werewolf mentality, but I find it so hard to believe that everyone abuses this child. The things they do to her is so twisted and I had a hard time stomaching everything. It's not just mental abuse, they are physically hurting her. In the brief glimpse of abuse we as a reader witness, boiling water is dumped on a thirteen-year-old and she is punched and kicked until she bleeds. And after all that... the Alpha beats her even more with a belt. I had to stop after reading this to make sure I read that right. Other werewolf children, under the order of the Alpha, beat this girl all because when she was five-years-old she listened to her mother and hid when the hunters came and murdered her mother. Wow.

Another thing on the abuse. I found it SUPER DISTURBING that you casually dropped that a girl thirteen and under had been raped several times by the guards. While unfortunately things like this happen in real life, I feel like it needs to be handled with the utmost care because it is indeed a very sensitive and personal topic. I feel like here, you just wanted to see how much worse you could make this young girl's life, and just added the worst thing you could think of. I would take that out. Her life is already tragic enough with the uncalled for beatings. You don't need that kind of controversy in your books, and child rape is nothing to take lightly. Especially since you use it in one paragraph and never address it again.

You also skip around with time a lot. We go from five-years-old to thirteen to sixteen. In my opinion, I think you could start out when she is an adult and just have this all come back to her in memories. Make it part of the narrative. This will not only make the story flow better, but it will establish a connection with the reader.

Just some ideas, but you could open with her driving down the highway, back to her pack and have her think on some of the tragic events that befell her. Instead of everything being dumped on us all at once, weave it into memories. It makes a huge difference. But again, those are just ideas, I only read the first three chapters.

I think that is mainly all the opinions I have here. I did like the reversal where hunters are normally the good guys hunting down the creatures of the night, but in your story, they are the bad guys. I like when the good guys become the bad guys. It's a nice reversal.

Characters: 3/10

Most of my character views were expressed in my plot section. But I will voice a few more opinions here.

As the reader, we need to establish a connection with the protagonist. You could have readers who went through similar abuse and want to connect with a character. That is why handling the abuse with delicate care is important. Your character can't just be defined by her abuse. It does make up a part of who she is, but we need to see more of her personality. A majority of the first two chapters focus solely on the abuse. While I pity what she's been through, I haven't established a connection to her yet. Take the time, set up a connection. Make the reader sympathize with Scarlet. Make us root for her.

Everyone else in this book seems to have the exact same personality-- be the biggest jerk to Scarlet. From what I read, no one else had a unique personality. Sure the Alpha had a more powerful voice, but at the end of the day, he was just another abuser to Scarlet. Even her own father falls into this category-- which leaves me baffled, because unless her father was abusive before, I just can't see him turning on his daughter like that. Sure, he loved his wife, but he should also love his daughter. If he was abusive before, this may indicate why he takes it out on his daughter. But we need to be shown this. You as the author need to show the reader that the father was an awful man before the mother's passing.

Overall: 6/10

This story has potential to become something great, it just needs to be polished. Expanding the characters so they are not defined by the past, and working on the overall plot will help this story so much. And keep in mind the sensitive content that you are posting. It needs to be handled with care.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work.