Being a Mother

Chapter 2: Trying again

My husband had been sober for months. I was so proud of him. Fi's birthday had been and gone, and she now adored her new doll, with hair that you could change the length of (and I found that nasty if I'm honest). I couldn't believe she was four already! Soon she'd be starting school... and she still couldn't pronounce those tricky little 'r's.

I wanted a baby. There had been four or five miscarriages, and even a still born. I remember looking at the baby, another beautiful girl with her father's hair, silently crying. She was called Millie. I stared up at the ceiling while they took her away. Later we planted a mini grave in between the flowers. Fi went there everyday, sat cross legged, and talked to her little sister. She never cried. I don't think she understood properly.

***

It was Fi's first day of school, and I was nervous for her. I didn't show it though - she was agitated enough. "What if they don't like me mummy?" she asked while I brushed her soft long hair. She looked at me through the mirror. I kept on brushing her hair. "Sweety," I soothed, "They'll love you. How could they not love a beautiful bundle of joy like you?" I asked. I leaned over and tickled her tummy, she shrieked and squirmed and then fell on to the floor, laughing. I stuck my tongue out at her. "Come on, honey, let's not be late."

We rushed out of the door and began the walk. Fi asked me countlessquestions, looking up at me with those beautiful blues. As we got nearer, she started shaking. I picked her up and gave her a piggy-back for the rest of the way. Her head was resting against my back, but she wasn't asleep. She was pretty close, though. Then suddenly she wriggled out of my grasp and ran to the gates. I jogged to catch up with her, but she held her arms out, trying to block my path. She looked up at me solemnly. "I have to do this alone," she announced. I looked at her, shocked. In fact I almost felt like laughing. I didn't though, because this was a big moment for her. Instead I knelt down, hugged her, and pushed her away.

It was at that moment I realised I couldn't do it. Where had my baby gone? She was growing up too fast. I wanted to rewind to the moments we had when she was a little girl, and cuddle her all day. Most of the people has started to go in. I peeked around the corner, trying to spot her amongst the mass of people. There she was! She was holding hands with one of her pre-school friends, being carried away by the crowd. I shouted out to her. "Baby! I'm over here!" I said, whilst trying to get her attention. But she didn't look up. She just disappeared around the corner.

I felt hot tears run down my face. I couldn't help it. Some people noticed and gave me sympathetic looks. Others looked at me as though I was some loony. I felt arms around me, leading me away. I looked over my shoulder at where Fi had left me. I kept looking until the tears made it to indistinct to see anymore.

***

I had a hot cup of coffee (no milk but one sugar) and I was sat on the sofa, with my best friend on the chair ext to me. We were watching the Jeremy Kyle show. Someone had cheated, they needed prove, all the normal stuff. My friend, Jean, wasn't really watching either. She glanced at me. "It's normal you know. It's fine to feel like this. Everybody does the same. I did that when George went, and Ally too!"

I sighed. "I don't know. It's weird... for some reason, I feel as though she's left me. She doesn't need me anymore."

"Woah. Woah. Stop right there Rebecca," she commanded. "Who'll be the one to tie her shoes? To do up her coat? To hug her when she's sad, kiss her better when she falls, make snow angels in winter? It'll be you. Because you're her mum, and she loves you."

I looked gratefully up at her. She gave me a warm smile. "Thanks, Jean. What would I do without you?"

"You'd be in the playground bawling like a baby?" she suggested lightly. I laughed. It was probably true. She glanced at her watch. "Babe, I have to go. Are you going to be ok?" she asked. I nodded, stood up and gave her a hug. The kind of thank-you-for-everything-I-love-you-so-much hug. I waved her off and returned to the kitchen. I was going to make a cake for Fi as a celebration - her favourite, a double chocolate fudge cake with special sauce.

But first, there was something I had to do. I headed upstairs, and into the bathroom. I fished around in the cupboard under the sink. Aha - there it was. The pregnancy test. I was shaking as I waited for the result to come up. And... two minutes had been up... it should be showing now... why isn't it showing... oh.

I was pregnant again.