Being a Mother

Chapter 15: Alone

Time this story ended, me thinks. Thank you for reading, and pleeeease tell me what you thought?

Ok. You don't have to (: x

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Nathan had a funeral the next day. I couldn't talk because of the tears. He looked serene, dressed in his favourite clothes, with his eyes shut gently. He had a rabbit in one hand and his toy car in the other. I was alone as I watched him glide into the fire. The flames licked the coffin, as though trying to find the way in to my baby. Then he was gone.

I was alone because 1) I had been banned from seeing Fi and 2) I had banned Daniel from seeing me.

To me it always seemed as though Daniel had caused this. If he hadn't made me storm off in the first place... If he had kept better control of Nathan instead of letting him run into the road... if he hadn't hurt them in the first place to make me storm off..

All those ifs. 

I had been banned from seeing Fi because somehow, it was my fault that Nathan had died. I couldn't understand how that thought could possibly occur to anyone. According to the social services, the way it had happened made it seem as though I had intentionally killed...

I can't finish that. But anyway because Nathan is gone and they think it is my fault.  They think I might hurt Fi. I cannot express my emotions to this. There is no way of explaining my reaction either.

Well actually, I guess if I say that now I am in prison that would help you to understand.

So I'm not allowed to see Fi - she has been taken away from me and apparently I no longer have any children. Well, obviously, I do, but not legally, I think. And we have finally divorced completely, never to see each other again. So I'm all alone...

But it's not so bad. I don't think I'm very sociable anymore anyway. When I get out of prison, I'll move away from the town where my family blossomed. I'll live in Scotland. I've been before, and it's very beautiful. I used to go for walks along the hills. The views are indescribable. It's so quiet up there, sometimes I could sit for hours and just think, watching the landscape. That's where I'll be. Nobody will judge me either, as they won't know my story.

And I think I might get a pet. They always wanted one... maybe a rabbit.

And my job? I'm not sure. Maybe a charity worker, or something that can help somebody.

I don't know what else will happen. That was my story, and even though I won't write anymore, I know there will be so much more to my life. And one day, I will find Fi again.