Being a Mother

Chapter 4: Hurt

I was holding my new sleeping baby gently - we had decided on Nathan. I was also listening to Fi tell her story about her day in school. And making a stir fry. And humming softly along to Robbie Williams on the radio. Mothers learn to multitask.

"So she gave me a detention for something that I didn't do! And then I missed netball at lunch because of it," Fi said.

"Aw baby I'm sorry," I responded automatically. Then I thought about what she just said. "Who's fault was it again?"

"Mummy," she said, rolling her eyes. "I told you it was George. I'm going to go outside and practice some shots. And maybe some gymnastics."

George... George... oh yes. That was Jean's son. A year above Fi. That reminded me, I need to arrange a night out with her. We hadn't really been out since the start of school. I was missing her antics and best friend hugs.

As Fi left I turned back to the stir fry. It was odd to think that she had only half a year until her next birthday. Sometimes the way she talked made it seem like she was seven of eight. Nathan started whimpering, so I took the food off the heat and sat down with him, stroking his hair the way I used to stroke Fi's.

It was then that the door burst in and I smelt that horribly familiar smell of alcohol waft through the door. I glanced at the clock. It was only just half seven. He would have finished thirty minutes ago. How could I not have realised?

Daniel reached us, his bloodshot eyes scowling. "Fi!" he bellowed. "Come here you worthless piece of..." his words trailed of as she entered. Then his face twisted into an ugly sneer. "How's my special little girl?" he asked, coldly. "Miss your dada?"

Fi - quite sensibly - did not go close to him. She edged over to me, and took Nathan from me. We shared a look. Hers of desperation, mine of worry and possibly sorrow. As they walked upstairs, my eyes followed them until they were out of view. Even then, I could not meet Daniel's eyes. He reached over and backhanded my face. Even though it had been a few times, it never failed to surprise me when he was violent. He was hurling abuse at me, and I heard Nathan crying. I nervously eyed the stairs, listening to Fi's frantic shushing. Then it wasn't just abuse he was hurling, but anything he could find, even his phone. The door slammed, and I was on the floor crying, for the second time.

***

I looked at the crowd of stuff around me. The crying had stopped, and I had a feeling they were both in bed. I picked up Daniel's phone. I looked through the pictures we had taken a about a year ago - the ones in the kitchen. We were having so much fun. At that moment a text appeared. Out of curiosity, I opened it. It was from... Jenny? Who was Jenny?

It read:

this is y we broke up. ur such a drunk bastard, i nvr wnt to c u agen.

Wow. Wow. He had been going out with Jenny? Whoever she may be. I flicked through his texts. They had been meeting up, frequently. She worked where he did! I was staggered. And that was the reason he had been drunk. Jenny had broken up with him? Never had I... oh, another text. And it was from... Amber? What? What could it possibly be now? I opened it, worried about what I was about to see.

see you tonite hun. X

Jesus. I sat back against the radiator, but only for a little while. I favoured taking action as opposed to thinking. So first, I phoned the lock company.

And then I realised it was ten, and they wouldn't be open, nor would they answer their phone.

So I went upstairs, changed Fi from her school uniform into her 'jammies', remembering how she was such a heavy sleeper. Nathan was curled up next to her, sucking his thumb. She had her arm wrapped protectively around him. I changed him, but he was so tired and he barely stirred. Then I collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep with my family.