Being a Mother

Chapter 5: Troubles

I had just dropped Fi of at gym, even though it was a saturday. She wanted extra training, as she had a competition coming up. I had Nathan on my hip, and I was showing him around the garden. He was gurgling happily, pointing at objects and looking at me for the words. Whenever he gave me that questioning look, I would immediately respond. His first word. Then he pointed at me. "Mama," I said. "Can you say Mama for me?" He looked questioningly at me, so I sighed and continued walking around the garden.

Mama had been Fi's first word, and I half expected it to be Nathan's as well. Mama or Fi. 'Dada' wasn't around right now - in fact, I had been living as a single mother for a few months. But for some reason, I liked it better this way. I had gotten sick of having to explain thick lips to friends. Feeling a droplet of rain landing on my arm, I looked up at the sky. Dark clouds were forming. Icarried Nathan back inside the house.

***

Nathan was asleep, Fi still at gym, and I was feeling bored. I picked up the phone and dialled my favourite number of all - Jean's.

I twirled the phone's cord around my fingers whilst waiting for her to answer.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Jean, it's me." I replied.

"Oh." There was a silence.

"Erm, so..." I wasn't used to this with Jean. Normally we couldn't stop talking about a whole bunch of useless rubbish.

"Listen, Rebecca," she said. "I don't like what you've done to Daniel. You know we work together - no, he works for me. Well he told me he was having trouble with you and the family, saying you had banned him from seeing Fi and Nathan. He even said that he was worried about you cheating. Daniel is a decent person, Rebecca. He is a good worker, but you can't appreciate that. He needs to get better and I need him to get back to his high standard. I think, that if you are out of his life, then he would recover quicker. But that means you can't be in mine either. You're a horrible person, Rebecca. Please don't contact me again."

The phone clicked off.

What on Earth just happened?

***

Fi had gone to her friend's house. I had dropped Nathan off at daycare. I decided on a bath to help me relax. The sounds of the bubbles popping soothed me, and I drifted of in a half sleep. Not a full sleep though. That would be stupid, in a bath.

I thought about what had happened. Daniel had tainted Jean's view on me. I knew that they were close, in fact, I had been extremely proud of my best friend getting on so well with my husband... but I hadn't realised she would put him before me. He was a charmer, but... tears streamed down my face. I had been crying more and more. I used to be strong and confident, but bloody Daniel had killed that part of me.

Why couldn't my best friend understand? I hadn't done anything wrong here. And the prospect of me cheating, well that was unthinkable. I got out of the bath, and dried off. Part way through changing, I noticed myself in the mirror.

I was fat. Ok, maybe not really overweight, but I was definitely more than I should be. I used to be slim, before I had Nathan.Maybe that was something that all mother's had. Jean was a bit rounder as well. Stop thinking about bloody Jean, I told myself angrily. I was just in my underwear, looking at my fat tummy and flabby thighs. I could get a handful of fat with both hands.

I wished I could just rip it off. Maybe I could? Just hack it off, a little bit each day, who would care about the pain... so I reached for a razor. I prepared myself, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Then the doorbell went, making me snap back to reality, the razor clattering on the cold tiled bathroom floor. I yelled down "Just a minute!" and hastily shoved my jeans on. I was about to put on my favourite black top, when I realised it was from Jean. May as well get rid of her completely. So I turned and got a purple one.

I quickly trotted down the stairs, tripping on a step before regaining my composure. I smoothed down my top, and opened the door. Maddi was there, with my daughter and her's too - Sarah? Sara? Sadie! She had a fake smile plastered on her face. I opened the door, and welcomed her in. She politely declined, but stood in the porch and talked to me. I sensed she knew what had happened. The girls started running up the upstairs, but Maddi quickly ordered Sadie back down. She sulkily came back down, and I thanked Maddi for bringing Fi home. She gave me a restained smile, and left me feeling alone again.

***

I picked up Nathan from daycare, feeling the stares on me. I left quickly. Fi was with me, and I could tell she was worried too. She had been quiet since Maddi had dropped her off. She wouldn't talk to me, though, and to be honest I didn't have the time to ask just then.

My poor family and their world of troubles.