Catch Me ✔

XXVI - Eleanor

WARNING: Scenes ahead may not be suitable for some, as it may trigger intense emotions. Reader discretion is advised.

I can't be a single mother.
I may have money, I may be rich.. but I don't know how to raise a child.
I thought I can, but that was just ego.

All night, every night, I can hear them.. those men pleading for an apology. I could even see them in my dreams.

I looked at my child, who's sleeping soundly.

"I'm sorry, my child. I know, this is unforgivable.. but I hope you'll find a new family that can treat you as their own, and give you whatever you need. I hope you grow well, healthy, and happy."

I packed up his things and went outside. I braved through the night, when the trauma hit me. I felt like I froze.. I can't move my feet. I held my son closer and tighter.

"Oh, look who we have here.. such a pretty woman!" Said the man with a beard.

"Let's.. have a feast, shall we?" His hair was long for a man, reaching to his shoulder, and they looked like they were just in their mid thirties.

I chose to ignore them and bit my lower lip. I briskly walk on the street. To the orphanage, the street isn't too dark.

I thought, for the second time, it will be done. Why, why is this world so cruel to me? If there is a God.. is He really here? Why does He let me suffer? Why can't I live peacefully?

I knocked on the orphanage's gate for about four times.. when I heard a voice of a woman, I immediately walked away, and never looked back.

I wiped my tear. As I walk further, I felt my knees wobble. My knees dropped to the ground and let my tears stream down to my cheeks.

Months passed, I focused on mango farming. I kept myself busy to the point that I can't even get to eat a meal a day.

Then one day, there's this fine man who never failed to woo me. Not long enough, I fell in love with him, and we got married.

Because I thought.. he's not the same as what I know men are.

Every night, he would force me to have sex with him. He didn't really love me.

I know, I'm bound by marriage, but isn't it right to respect one's permission? Privacy? Marriage, isn't something that should be taken advantage of.

He would do it with me, and leave bruises on my legs and tell me that he is only marking what's his.

I got pregnant, but later on it led to a miscarriage. Every day, he would return home drunk and asking money. If I can't give, he will abuse me. Mentally, physically, verbally, I went through all those abuses.

One afternoon, I was pushed to the limit and brought out the gun I used to kill the abusive men who took away my only treasured dignity.

"You.. we both know that you love me, Eleanor. You won't kill me using that gun."

"Yes, Ceasar, I can! I can't take all the bullshits you're giving me! You.. are better off dead!" I clicked the gun, and shot him on the heart even before he uttered a word.

I can't feel anything.. no hurt, no regrets, no remorse.. It felt like my heart instantly turned into a rock.

I aimed the gun to my forehead and slowly pulled the trigger..