Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

1. I Can't Keep You with Me

I am writing this, sitting on a stump, at the edge of a river.

I'm writing in my new leather-bound journal. You gave it to me for my 17th birthday. You had it delivered all the way to my house by courier, because you couldn't give it to me in person. You were too busy to take a break from medical school, you said.

That's why I started to write again today. Because you gave me this journal. Your fingers touched, brushed against this journal. I feel connected to you somehow, touching the cover, flipping through the pages. I think of you touching the cover, flipping through the same pages too.

The river lies to the south of the school. I didn't even know it existed, until Junnie told me about it. She said she sneaks out there sometimes to make out with her boyfriend Jerry. You remember Jerry, don't you? He certainly remembers you. I'm not sure whether he means it in a good way, or a bad way. Don't scowl. You can be really mean sometimes, but not to me. Never to me.

To get to the river, you go out the back entrance of the school, and down the narrow twisting path, pushing past the overgrown bracken that, in the early autumn, would still be blocking your way. Or if there are no teachers around, you could take a short cut through the vegetable patch, planted by the members of the Science Society. Do you remember that patch, Jaemin? It used to annoy you all the time, watching the members pluck the fresh green sprouting vegetables, and bring them home. You used to grumble, watching from the open window of the resource centre which overlooked the garden, you used to gripe, with that little wicked twist to your mouth, about how unfair it was, lugging back free vegetables from school when you had to buy your own vegetables from the freshmarket, and I'd say, why, Na Jaemin, they worked hard for those veggies, it's the fruit of their hard labour, haven't you ever heard of the saying, you reap what you sow? And quick as lightning, you turned and grabbed me and kissed me breathless, right there and then, in front of the open window, with all the students gawking at us, and you said silkily, you've got a real smart mouth, haven't you, Kim Mina? It's so smart I need to zip it up properly with my lips, that'll teach you to reap what you sow, Miss Know-It-All...

Anyway, once you come out to the river, you'd find a tranquil atmosphere waiting, with ducks and tall rushes and pond-weed. And I kept looking at the river, with the water moving really fast. There were these two people in the water, a boy and a girl, about my age, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they could, but in the end it was just too much. The current was too strong. They had to let go, drift apart. That's how it is with us, isn't it? We've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together.

I miss you so much.

It's been three weeks, four days and eight hours since you drove off that misty morning, the tail lights of your car disappearing from my sight.

The memory haunts me.

Some nights, I wake up, after dreaming the same dream of the red tail lights of your car disappearing around the bend.

Other nights, I dream of you. 

It's always the same dream. You're standing and looking into my eyes. You call my name, and then you fade away. You always fade away. You never stay long, I can't control you in my dream, I can't keep you with me.

Last night, I dreamt I stood alone, at the top of a field for what seemed like ages, and the wind kept blowing and blowing at me, and tugging at my clothes, and all of a sudden, I felt a strong gust of wind coming towards me across the empty field. I half closed my eyes and made a wish; I wished that you would appear, that you would come back to me, and when I opened my eyes, I saw a tiny figure appear on the horizon across the field and it gradually grew larger and larger. It was you. I was so happy in my dream, so terribly happy. You waved, and started to run towards me, and then I woke up. My pillow was wet with my tears, and your name was still caught in my throat, and trembling upon my lips...

You call me, and text me, and videocall me whenever you are free, but it doesn't help at all.

Today is another day of trying to get by without you. Getting through every day is so, so hard without you.

I walk in a crowd, and I look for you among the faces that pass me. A car drives by, and I think I see you inside. I hear laughter, and it sounds like you, so I turn around, but it's not you. Of course, it's not you. It's never you.

I miss you so much. I search for you all the time. I wonder, do you miss me too? Do you search for me all the time too, like I do for you?

I think about you all the time, and I wonder, do you think about me all the time too? Do you think about me the same time that I think about you?

We're miles apart. You're over there, and I'm over here. There's a yawning ocean of distance between us, and sometimes I feel I'm drowning, suffocating in this emptiness, this awful blankness...

I have a cold void inside my heart; it's taken over the space of you. It's so cold, it's unbearable sometimes. The emptiness gnaws at my insides, like frost bite, icy and chilling, it wraps its icy tentacles around my heart, numbing me, choking me up with ice. 

That's why I started writing today. Maybe, my writing will make me feel better. Maybe, my words will help to fill up the void. Maybe, my words will take away some of the coldness.

Missing you doesn't get any easier. I miss you more today than I missed you yesterday, and I missed you more yesterday than the yesterday before that, and all the yesterdays before yesterday...

I keep running back to you in my mind, that's the problem; I can't help myself. I think I should stop running back to you, but it's so, so hard, and I keep faltering, because when I move forward, I keep looking back for you, and my progress is so, so slow, and I keep stumbling, and falling, but you're not there to pick me up.

I have come to the end of my page. 

I shall end it with I miss you's.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

There.

All done.

I have filled it up with words.

I have poured out my heart...

...and now, I am empty again...