Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

25. The Girl Next Door

Dear Jaemin,

I'm writing you this letter because I know that if I say what I have to say to your face, I will probably break down and cry. And I can't do that, not after what I have promised you.

It is Christmas eve.

Today I am very calm. Even despair has its calms.

Your parents have invited my parents and me over to your place. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't resist the chance to see you again. I know, I am so pathetic. It's a Christmas dinner at 7.30 pm. I am counting down the minutes till I see you again. 

Of course, I know it will be different now. Of course, I know you have her beside you now. 

My mum looks at me with these sad eyes, when she thinks I'm not looking, and I know what she's thinking, Are you sure you're okay, sweetie?  I told her we broke up, distance and all that, but I have a feeling she doesn't believe me, but it's okay, I haven't told her a thing about your dad, and I'll carry our secret to the grave.

I don't hear from you anymore.

I don't see you anymore.

You have no idea what it has been like. Ever since you walked out that door, it's like we became strangers. All this time, it had always been you and me. We blocked people until there were only you and me. You told me it's different now. There's only a me, and there's only a you; there's no longer an us.

But the thing is, you have always had someone. You always had me. I always had you. 

Now you have her, and I have no one.

I wake up in the morning and I feel like I'm missing something. I know that there's something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is. Then I remember. You are gone. My Jaemin is gone. The love of my life is gone.  

Today I love you more than ever; tomorrow I will love you even more. I need you more than ever; I want you more than ever.

I can run and run as fast and as far as I like, but the truth is, wherever I run, there you are.

I had a million plans. I knew what I was going to do. I had the rest of my life all figured out. I would work hard, go to Seoul National University, graduate, marry you, and have your babies. It was all so clear in my head. But what I didn't know was that within a few hours all those plans would change. Ms. Know-it-all didn't quite know it all so much after all.

We spent all the time we had together. We grabbed a few precious minutes in our busy days to be with each other. We parted, we rushed back to our necessary lives, we watched the clock, we lived for the days we would see each other again. That's pretty much how it has been ever since you left high school and me behind.

And yet our time has run out, because of forces beyond our control, and I wonder in my heart of hearts - if I had foreknowledge of what was to come, if I could have those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months back, if I could turn back Time to the beginning, would I change anything?

The answer is, No. Not a single thing.

Even if I had second sight, even if I could see our imminent break-up, I would still do it all over again, every single thing. Because I love you. So much. So much. I have always loved you. I will always love you.

There are darknesses in life, and there are lights; and you, Jaemin my love, are the brightest of all the lights. You are the light of all lights.

Life is funny isn't it? Just when you think you've got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you're heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you're lost, and you can never go back to the old path, you can never go back to the way it was.