Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

27. The Broken Doll

We were sitting, eating ice-cream from the glass bowls.

Luna leaned forward. Her eyes were sparkling.

"We have an announcement to make." She linked her arm with Jaemin's.

"Jaemin won't be my boyfriend much longer," she said. "He'll be my fiancé!"

I stared at her. We all did.

"Is this true, Jaemin?" His mum asked, looking at him.

Everyone was looking at him.

Jaemin looked around the circle, pausing when his eyes met mine. He turned his head as if to look away but couldn't seem to. He swallowed.

"Yes. It's what we've decided."

Decided. It was such a cold, emotionless word to describe a marriage. It also left no room for doubt. My throat closed. I was pretty sure I hadn't taken a breath since the conversation had veered into this territory. I tried to inhale, nearly choking, feeling as if hands pressed around my throat.

A moth was fluttering outside the half-open sliding door. It hovered near a tiny gap at the side.

"Mr. Baek," Jaemin said. "I'd planned to talk to you first - "

I stared at Mr. Baek.

He was beaming, smiling broadly, his face swathed in a huge smiley-like smile; if he smiled anymore, it'd split his face in half.

He looked very pleased with himself. As he should. He had planned this from the start; it wasn't Jaemin's plan, it was his. He'd got what he wanted.

Everyone was smiling.

"Congrats!"

"When's the wedding?"

"You make a lovely couple."

"I'm so happy for you."

Everyone, except me.

I sat frozen, dumb.

I kept staring at the moth.

It wouldn't quit. It kept trying to get in through the gap .

The nightmarish haze of the moment began to lift.

Jaemin actually planned to marry her, to become a permanent part of her family.

Mrs. Baek covered her mouth with both hands.

"You know, I had a feeling. I can't describe it, but the other day, I was reorganizing some photos and I came across the trip to Jeju where your father proposed..."

I was going to spew my steak out right here, all over the living room. I looked at my feet, there was a speck of green on the ankle, the grass must have got stuck on it. I looked up. The moth was in the house, it had perched on the glass of the sliding door, its wings quivering.

I closed my eyes.

I imagined myself on the beach.

If I listened hard enough, I could hear the ocean. Waves crashing, echoing in my ears. I could almost feel the ground vibrate with the collision of water and sand.

I will cross oceans of time to find you.

A sob rose to my throat.

What an idiot I had been.

I couldn't hear anything except the distant hum of voices. I concentrated on hearing the water, and not the voices. Not being able to hear the water made the world feel small, narrowed down to this moment and my inability to breathe.

And all the while, Jaemin's eyes were on me. I knew it, even without looking. It was just the two of us.

How could you do this to me?

How could you let me find out like this?

How could you kiss me in the backyard without warning me?

How could you have spent the past ten minutes in the kitchen without telling me?

I couldn't get a breath, my throat was swollen shut. I felt dizzy. The room was spinning. I had to open my eyes to centre myself. My eyes connected with Jaemin's. They were the cruellest color of brown, filled with sadness and regret.

Luna was saying things like spring or summer and June bride and Jaemin wasn't stopping her. He just shook my dad's hand and looked at me. Touched Luna's back and looked at me.

The moth was very still. It had stopped fluttering its wings. It had moved to the white wall where it perched, like a dead thing.

I looked dully at Jaemin. He looked back at me.

And then I caught sight of his dad.

His eyes were narrowed on Jaemin, watching his every move. Each time Jaemin looked at me, his dad saw. His gaze followed Jaemin's to me and then went right back. Their back-and-forth made me dizzy.

The doorbell rang. A bunch of relations swarmed in. Jaemin's uncles and aunts and cousins.

"Sorry we're late."

"Traffic was horrendous."

"Did we miss anything?"

"The best news!"

"Jaemin and Luna just announced they're engaged!"

"Omg!"

"Congratulations!"

"When's the wedding?"

How odd.

My head was starting to dip. Lower and lower it dipped. Now it was lolling uselessly, it reminded me of an old doll that I had; I yanked on its head too hard, and it tore, dangling from the neck, it couldn't be fixed, so my mum threw it away. I was that doll now, discarded, lying in a dump somewhere with its useless, lolling head.

Jaemin crossed the circle in one step and caught my arm. "You need air."

"Jaemin."

With that one terse word from his dad, everyone went quiet. His dad's neck had reddened under his collar as he stared at us. I suddenly felt as if I was the one who had made the announcement. As if I was the one who had incurred his wrath. Jaemin's hand on my elbow warmed me, and I let it stay.

"What's wrong?" his dad asked me, staring at Jaemin's hand.

"She was going to faint," Jaemin answered. "I - "

"I - I'm not feeling too good," I cut in, my voice faint.

My mum had her arm around me, and she hugged me to her side.

Vaguely, I heard murmurs of concern, and farewells, and then I'm lurching back home, between my mum and my dad. My mum helped me to my room, and then I threw up all over the sink.