Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

36. For You Part 2

And suddenly, it is my turn to go, to walk down the aisle to him, but not the way I have dreamed about.

"Mina," Junnie says from behind me after too long has passed. "Go."

I take a step, and my heel sinks into the grass. I pull it out and bring my foot back.

"I can't do it," I whisper.

Luna is standing next to me. She is a fairy tale princess in white. This is the happiest moment of her life.

"That's what the stones are for." Luna gently pushes me forward. "Use the path. Go ahead."

As if it is easy. As if I'm not walking towards the most horrific thing I can imagine. I can't do it. Tears flood my eyes as the spikes of my heels dig into soft ground. The guests, turned in their seats, start to murmur. All eyes except Jaemin's are on me, and the music plays on, beautiful, haunting. Despite my protests, my hair has been swept off my bare shoulders, putting my heartbreak on display for everyone to watch like a movie.

I start down the aisle. At rehearsal, I have been reminded over and over to keep the pace of the music. Everything slows. I am drowning. Sinking. Dying with every step. Leean smiles at me, his arm over the back of his chair. Junnie sits by him, stoic, and I know her heart is beating as hard as mine.

I look forward again, silently urging Jaemin to raise his head and look at me. We have communicated so much that way, glances here and there, our own language. Walking towards him like a bride makes my hands sweat around my bouquet. I scrape my thumbnail down a stem, wishing for the prick of a thorn to distract from the pain in my chest. Jaemin must be sweating too, because he wipes his brow, then his hairline, but even as I approach the front and take my spot, he still hasn't looked. Maybe because he knows what he'll see if he does; my delicate paper heart, ripped right down the middle.

I am staring at Jaemin. I don't even hear the Bridal March begin. I don't see Luna come out, but suddenly she's there, passing me her bouquet, moving in front of Jaemin, her back to me.

"Friends and family," the priest says, "we're gathered here today to witness the union of Jaemin and Luna, and to celebrate their love by joining them in holy matrimony."

My heartbeat thunders in my ears. The priest smiles and says things I can't register, things coming to me from far away. People laugh. Not Jaemin. He just stares at Luna.

"Do you, Jaemin, take this woman, Luna, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?"

"I do."

"Do you, Luna, take this man, Jaemin, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?"

"I do."

Something's wrong.

You've got the other name wrong.

It should be me. My name.

Mina. Not Luna.

I'm the one he loves.

We've said these vows twice to each other. We've already pledged our love and our lives to each other. This is a mistake. This is a terrible, terrible mistake.

I open my mouth to tell them that they've got it wrong, but the words won't come out.

If he'll only glance over, I know what I will see in his eyes, because I've seen it always, forever, for as long as I can remember, in all the raw and powerful moments we've shared the last couple of years. I'll see the depth of love in his eyes, the heat that keeps him close to me.

Renjun passes him the rings.

Things are moving too fast.

Stop, I want to scream. Hold on.

He won't, can't put that ring on her finger without sparing me even a glance, I know it in my gut. On the inside, I scream to him, convinced he will hear me. He focuses on Luna so hard as he slides on her ring, he doesn't even blink.

If I want to stop him, I know what I have to do, and it has to be now.

"Marriage changes you," the priest says. "It betters you. It heals you. It will define you as a couple, and deepen your love for one another."

Now. Now. Now.

Everyone on the lawn watches, rapt. Mum, Dad. Jaemin's mum, Jaemin's dad. Luna's mum, Luna's dad. Grandparents, toddlers, cousins. Leean smiles at me, a dream in his eyes. Maybe he's thinking that someday, it'll be our turn. Junnie chews her thumbnail. She's staring at my face. Yoonoh and Renjun, his two best friends, stand tall and look on proudly.

"Should anyone in attendance know of any reason why this couple should not be lawfully married, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

The silence of this moment is electrifying. Dizzying. Disorienting. Everything shrinks down to the man in front of me.

Luna's veil lifts with a breeze. Beads of sweat have formed on Jaemin's hairline. He squeezes his eyes shut briefly. Can I do it? Ruin a wedding, a marriage before it has even begun, a life?

He asked me not to. He asked me to let this go.

I am shaking with silent sobs. Scalding tears flood my eyes, warming my cheeks.

And he looks at me.

Jaemin finally looks at me, his face very white, his mouth a thin, rigid line, his brows drawn so tightly that his forehead wrinkles. In his eyes, I see all the agony the last few months have caused him. Hot afternoons, cool, starry nights, and all the days he has lost because of me.

He swallows, maybe holding back his own tears.

And a secret glow of satisfaction warms me. He loves me. He loves me, and he hates this. He hates that I am hurting. He hates it, but he can't do a single damn thing about it. This is the game plan. Do it. The sooner, the better. Then move on. Breathe. Live.

I can do this to Luna, ruin this wedding for her, but I can't do it to him. Because I love him. And all I want is for him to stop hurting, and move on.

The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe.

But not today. Some other day, maybe. But this is not the day.

In the darkness of my dark-beating heart, I whisper, I love you. For you, I'd die a thousand times over. For you, I'll free you. For you, I'll let you go.

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

"You may kiss the bride."