Purified - Bennoda

Chapter Nine

The next two Vegas concerts go by in a flash and we're back on the bus heading for Arizona, the state where I was born. Mike and I shared my bed until we left, he comforted me every time I woke up from a nightmare. He was clearly tired from his newly disturbed sleep routine, however he never came off crabby or sleepy. We cuddled every night and didn't question it, I suppose Mike has never really questioned anything. He keeps his curiosity to himself and remains patient with everything.

The others in the band clearly noticed Mike and I's bond visibly grew stronger, but no one said much really. Perhaps Mike told them something, I doubt he'd reveal my secrets to them. They simply fed me supportive smiles and comments, nothing more. Honestly, it was getting on my nerves a little. If I ever thought anyone would take my situation seriously, I didn't want them to pity me, I wanted them to understand me.

The fact it happened at all still effects my behavior in many ways. The band has questioned my reactions to things before, I always turned them down. I think it'll connect a lot of dots for them to know my past. I'm unsure if Mike told them, but I'm guessing he only asked them to be supportive. The thought calms me down a little, not letting my thoughts wander into anxiety's territory. They still need to know eventually, we're coworkers, best friends, family - perhaps I'll open up to them after the tour. For now, I'll simply attempt to keep opening up to Mike and letting him in, accept his comfort and concern.

It was a little odd to me that we cuddled every night, but a part of me was sure it was normal. Thinking about it comes off as strange, but my boundaries have been long ruined, I'm clueless. This has been an issue I've struggled with as well, not knowing when someone's crossing the line. It's easy not to cross others boundaries because I don't open up to anyone, but somehow I remain unaware of my own boundaries. What Charlie did became ordinary to me. At one point, I genuinely believed there was no escaping him and my life had already been set. I thought I was going to be abused for much longer than it actually happened.

"Hey, Ches," Mike peeked into my bunk, startling me as he poked through the curtain I had drawn shut. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's alright, what's up?"

"I figured you wanted to know what I told the guys, right?" He asked and I nodded. He slips into my bunk next to me and holds my hand. "You know I'd never betray your trust or tell them anything you don't want them to know yet. I promise I didn't tell them anything, I just said you were having a tough time and they should treat you kindly."

"Thanks, Mike, I really appreciate everything you've been doing," I smiled a little, but I could feel my thoughts reverting towards anxiety for no particular reason.

I really appreciate Mike, however it's hard to truly trust him. It's nothing he's personally done, deep down I know he would never hurt me, but the constant resurfacing of paranoid questions makes me want to push him away. My trust was broken so strongly, my arm was re-broken in the process - a simple thought that causes me physical pain in my wrist where it once occurred. A harmful memory brings actual pain to my body.

"What's wrong, Ches? You're grabbing your wrist," Mike busts through my anxiety-driven thoughts as I was subconsciously gripping the once broken wrist tightly with my left hand. I'm unable to stop the tears, the memory of Charlie breaking my arm echoes from the underground reigns of my head. "What are you thinking about-?"

"Mike," I nearly interrupted him, my vision blurry from the tears as I look at him seriously. "What do you do when a memory is more painful than present physical harm? How do you get over something that still hurts?"

"You try to let go, I know it's not so simple, but it's the only way," Mike has tears in his own eyes as he pulls me in for a tight hug. "I'll help you every step along the way, together we will purify the poison."

"It won't happen fast, I've been trying to let go for years," I debate, but I know he's right. I wasn't able to let go before because Charlie never really left until I joined Linkin Park. It's been quite awhile since I left Arizona, however, so I've realistically been trying since then and am already sick of it. I don't even want to try anymore, sometimes I just want to let it consume me and leave my life behind.

"Well this time I'll here, so it won't take years anymore. I'll create a new normal for you, a home for you, safe space," the words he said sounded beautiful coming out of his lips. After hearing everything, he knew what I was craving most - normality, a place that feels like home, and safety.

"You really think you can help me do all that?" I give him a small, hopeful smile as he nods.

"Together, we can do anything," He says and somehow I knew that was true, but I can't help feeling his words meant something more. We became closer than ever during this tour, I wonder how much closer we can get before it crosses some sort of line. "I'll always be here, seriously, I wouldn't let you go for the world."

"You mean so much to me," Was all I could think to say as a blood rush crept across my cheeks. He kisses the top of my head and says he'll check on me soon and let me know when we're in Arizona. I questioned his actions, but he's always given friendly kisses to me during shows and such, so I didn't think too much about it. I didn't want me or him to get the wrong idea.