Purified - Bennoda

Chapter Eight

"I was sexually abused as a child, for about five or six years," I started and Mike's eyes immediately widened in concern, a hand going up to cover his mouth immediately as he let out an audible gasp. My tears were still strongly flowing, I looked down to my legs in shame. I wasn't sure exactly what to say, so I didn't continue.

He didn't press me any further, saying nothing as he let his hand drop to his side momentarily before enveloping me in a tight hug, stronger than the one he gave me earlier, more desperate. Shocked, I sat still in his arms, the tears halting as my brain fills with confusion. I wondered why he was hugging me, he didn't know the whole story, or how much I blame myself for what happened, how guilty I felt. He didn't know I kept letting my abuser back into my life, wanting to forgive and erase all the memories, a seemingly easy way out of a sticky situation, but of course that didn't happen. I feel like an idiot for even trying, admitting my mistakes confirms my stupidity, but deep down I know Mike would understand my arrogance.

"Reading your lyrics, it's not hard to tell, so I sort of expected you to say something like that, but I-" Mike choked over his own tears, setting off more in my own eyes as he pulls away from me, revealing his bloodshot eyes and heartbroken expression. "But hearing you say it just hurts on another level. I know saying sorry won't do anything, but fuck, I'm so sorry you of all people went through that."

"It's my fault," I admit unintentionally, beginning to wish Mike couldn't bring the words out of my mouth. He dries away some of his tears before looking at me, then started laughing though he was still crying heavily. Confused and a little hurt, I look away from him. He grabs my face with his hands and forces me to meet his gaze. He smiles softly, sending a small flutter through my heart.

I was surprised Mike had taken me seriously in the first place, his actions make me second guess his reaction. My eyes were preparing another waterfall of tears as I thought about him suddenly not believing me or thinking it was a real problem - perhaps he agreed it was my fault.

"I can't believe you think it was your fault," He chuckles, his breaths deep as his face lingers inches away from mine. He sighs, eyes flickering away for a moment before returning. "I don't need to know everything to know it's not your fault. You apologize for shit you can't control, this is one of those things."

"W-What...?" I stutter, taken aback as I pull away from Mike's grasp. I had never thought of it like that, but it's also hard for me to believe. "You... You don't know that, you really can't say... It was my fault, you don't know what happened."

"Chester, I don't need to know-"

"Yes, you do! You don't know what happened!" I snapped before he could finish, guilt consuming me straight after in the form of tears. He remains silent for a moment, I wonder if I upset him.

"Then tell me," He presses for the first time to know more. He had never once pushed me to admit my feelings or anything, making it hard to refuse. I feel like he'd be disappointed in me if I didn't tell him.

"R-Really?" I try to keep myself from hyperventilating and falling into an anxiety attack. He nods his head shortly and I swallow hard, mentally preparing myself.

I tell Mike about each of my nightmares and explained how they were memories, he mentioned possible post traumatic stress disorder, but I ignored his comment. He was mostly concerned about when Charlie re-broke my arm, he didn't even mention how Charlie was just a child. He expressed hate towards my abuser and treated my situation seriously, keenly listening to every detail and calming me whenever I broke down. He held my hand, giving it a tight squeeze, when I was telling him a story that was clearly hard to say. I mentioned the girl from the concert and he smiled, saying he was happy I didn't feel so alone in my somewhat odd situation.

Towards the end, he finally asked exactly how old Charlie was, I explained just a few years older than me. He said it was unfortunate people didn't talk about child on child sexual abuse after realizing it was a prominent issue. I told him about my friend, Sean, who was friends with Charlie and their situation, also explaining what happened after the abuse stopped. He seemed shocked and a little concerned, possibly also wondering if Charlie had forgotten about me or not.

Eventually, we were both mentally exhausted as the sun was starting to rise, almost falling asleep on each other with tears dried to our faces. Mike asked if I wanted to sleep, I nodded, then questioned if he should sleep next to me in case I have a nightmare. I smiled and agreed, not even thinking twice about it as we cuddled up next to each other. We both passed out, Mike spooning me in a comforting position.

In my dream - memory - I'm hanging out with a friend at his place, he lived in the same neighborhood as me and Charlie. I warned him my friend might come and try taking me back to his place and we should hide if we see him coming. Charlie knew where all of my friends lived. He would go to my house to invite me over usually, so I assumed he would ask my parents where I was and they would tell him. He'd come around eventually and I could try hiding, but he'd come back when I least expected. Most of my friends had to play outside with friends because they had a big family in their house, so I wasn't really safe anywhere.

There was this long path of trees behind my house that went all the way down the neighborhood and would open up into a clearing with a small pond. Not many kids were aware of this sanctuary, so I hid there often, until Charlie discovered it one day while looking for me. The neighborhood was small, there was no where to go.

My friend and I were playing ball outside their place when I noticed Charlie coming up the street. Panicked, I told my friend and we hid behind their porch steps. After a few minutes went by and a lot of hesitation, we stepped out of our hiding place. Seeing he wasn't there, we went back to our game. Not more than five minutes went by before Charlie came around again. My heart was beating in my chest as my friend didn't take my situation seriously and let Charlie take me by the wrist. Everything goes black.

My nightmare switches and I'm with my mother as a young seven year old. I'm anxious and honestly, a bit angry. Charlie is forcing me to ask my mother if I can stay the night at his place. Knowing what would happen tonight when we're alone makes my skin crawl. He's waiting outside the door, listening to make sure I actually ask. He found out I had lied about my mother saying I couldn't stay, so my punishment was already set for tonight.

"Can I stay the night at Charlie's?" I choke out the words.

"Yeah," She simply responds, not knowing there was something wrong. A jolt of panic sets in.

"Please say no," I whispered, afraid Charlie would hear me. I was terrified of what was going to happen tonight.

"What?" She asked like she didn't hear me and I fought with the tears in my eyes as I started out the front door.

"Never mind," I sighed discontented, allowing myself out. Charlie's smiling deviously, I can only imagine what he has planned.

Mike shakes me awake, sadness etched into his expression. He asks me if I was having a nightmare, I timidly nod and tell him I'll be alright. Holding me close, he doesn't press further, always respecting my boundaries in every way. I realize we're cuddling and wonder what that means, but don't overthink it. I'm comfortable and secure in his arms, I can't help feeling safe. I'm so grateful for Mike and everything he does for me. With him by my side, I feel like things are going to change for the better.