서울 (Seoul)

i. silence is golden

he was in his car.

the engine was running. the only source of noise.

he absolutely loved coming here and staring out at the vast river. the people walking around it. it was him people watching and that was something that he personally loved. he loved watching people have the life that he knows he cannot have. maybe that was a punishment of his. watching people be happy when it was out of his reach. he couldn't do it around his bandmates though because that is too raw. too painful.

the phone ringing was something that interrupted his pity party.

he looked at the caller id, seeing tae's face pop up. he let the phone ring and he saw the notification pop up for a missed call. he knows why he is calling but he doesn't want to answer it.

not really.

they only call him if they need something and he does not want to be the leader of the group. he does not want to be rm of bts, the biggest boy band in the world. he just wants to be himself. kim namjoon.

the phone lit up again and this time he knew that he couldn't ignore it. that he had to pick up.

"hyung? where are you?" tae's voice rang through the speaker.

"i'm at the han river. why? am i needed?" namjoon asked, holding his breath.

he really hopes that he wasn't needed so he can stay here and relish in his thoughts. but he also wants to be needed.

he's craving the feeling.

he doesn't want to stay in his thoughts. he doesn't know. his thoughts are all over the place and he is surprised about the fact that he can be the leader that the boys need.

"no, we just miss you." the soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he knows that tae is worried about him. this band didn't have the best reputation of having the best mental health with yoongi and his depression and jimin and his social anxiety and eating disorders. they did have the reputation of getting over it and he knows that he won't open up until he gets over it. he will be fine. he knows that he will. or die trying. "please be safe. please come home."

namjoon nodded.

if that will make tae feel better, he will postpone his thoughts and his actions and head back home. back to the boys where they claim that they missed him. and if that put a wrench in his plans a little bit, then so be it, because first and foremost he will be their leader.

-

the only one who really missed namjoon was taehyung. it was okay though because he should have known better. he should have known to not bring his hopes up but he did it anyway. and he is disappointed in himself because of the fact that he has been here before. he always gets disappointed in the end and it sucks because he knows it is not going to be the last time.

it's okay. he will be okay.

right now, he wasn't alone. he was cuddling tae on the bed because jimin wasn't there to do so because he was cuddling yoongi and namjoon has the second best cuddles in the band. he was glad that he was even considered a choice, even if it is a second choice.

tae was filling what would have been the silence with his constant chatter and noise. he was talking about his day and how excited he was for jimin and yoongi and how excited he was for the tour and for the band to continue the tour and how life was good. he never thought that he would have been here and he thanked namjoon because, without namjoon, he would have never been here. he would have stayed in daegu and it is not like it is a bad thing when it comes to his city, but he could do more, be more.

namjoon didn't allow the tears to fall until after tae has fallen asleep. he wouldn't allow himself to be loud. he didn't want to wake up taehyung from the rest that he needed. he heard the door open and he saw jimin staring at him, eyes wide and mouth open. his hair was in disarray as he only wore a pair boxer and a black shirt that clearly wasn't his. "oh, hyung, i didn't know you were here." that hurt more than it should've but namjoon blinked his tears out, wiping the tears that came out earlier.

namjoon disentangled himself from the mess and the limbs that were kim taehyung, ignoring jimin who was protesting. he didn't want to cry here (or at least louder than he was already.) so jimin coming and taking the little spoon position was better than he could imagine. he went into his room, his clean room (it wasn't only his but yoongi was asleep and he could sleep through anything).

crawling into the bed, he pulled the cover over him and allowed himself to cry. allowed himself to let out all the pain from the day into the white sheets.