서울 (Seoul)

ii. torn

trigger warnings: self-harm (as in not taking care of your injuries), eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts.

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dance practice was strenuous. he knows that he should do better, be better but he can't. it's hard for him. he doesn't have natural talents like jimin, hoseok, and jungkook. he doesn't work hard enough like taehyung who worked himself into the dance line. he isn't someone who preserved no matter the circumstances like jin. he isn't someone who sustained an injury who used to be good at dancing like yoongi. he is just him and he knows that. everyone is feeling it as he messed up again. they all groaned and namjoon was frustrated.

he can feel his tears piling behind his eyes as the dance instructor told everyone that they are done for the day. everyone but namjoon. well, the instructor didn't say it but he felt the disappointment radiating off of him and his band members. he needs to do better for them. he will do better for them.

he kept on practicing as soon as they left. he practiced despite the tears falling down his face. he kept on dancing despite the fall that he has taken, causing his ankle to groan in agony. he kept on dancing because they deserve better and he knows that. he lost count of the hours until tae called him, asking where he was. namjoon answered the question, telling him that he's still at the dance practice.

"hyung, it's been over four hours since we left." namjoon checked his time, surprised to find out that tae was right. "you should rest. come home. i miss you."

namjoon made a noise of confirmation, making sure that tae knows that he is on his way. hanging up the call, namjoon pressed play on his music, having it interrupted by tae. one more practice wouldn't hurt.

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namjoon's ankle was hurting the next day. he rolled up his ankle and saw that it was swollen and angry shades of purples and blues. they had dance practice again this day and he knows that he cannot miss it for the love of him. that he is already disappointing the group and they are expecting him to step up today because of the hours that he puts into the dance.

they pilled into the van and namjoon was sitting in between jungkook and taehyung who were talking over namjoon acting like he didn't exist. it's okay though because he knew that if he was them, he wouldn't have talked to him too. instead, he scrolled on his phone and he knew that he shouldn't have done this but he read the hate comments. the hate comments that yoongi shrugs off and that jin laughs at. he can't do that. he needs to know what everyone is saying about him. he has to be perfect for them and for the boys. maybe they will all start loving him again. the only one who seemed to care about him is tae and right now, he doesn't care about him, opting to talk to jungkook.

namjoon pocketed the phone, subtly trying to wipe his tears away and tae noticed that. "hyung, are you okay?"

everyone turned their attention on him as he slapped on a smile. nodding, he told them that he's fine. that he was staring at his screen too long and his eyes got irritated. everyone seemed to believe the lie and he doesn't know if he wanted them to ask more questions or if he was okay with the fact that he was a pretty decent actor.

stepping back into the studio where their instructor was staring at them, he bowed to the instructor and took his rightful place. this time, it was okay. he pulled it off. he was determined to not mess up, the comments fueling his determination. he cannot screw this up.