서울 (Seoul)

iii. bloodied, bruised, and battered

trigger warnings: self-harm (both not taking care of injuries as well as cutting), mentions of eating disorders.

-

namjoon felt all of the eyes staring at him as he entered the dorm. he knows what they were thinking when he walked in. he started walking towards his room, his crutches making sure that he doesn't put weight on the ankle. he ignored their onset of questions, mentally exhausted for the day as he went to his shared room.

they didn't get the hint as they followed him into the room, waiting to ask the questions as namjoon elevated his leg. namjoon tried to ignore their questions but they wouldn't shut up and all he wanted was for them to be quiet. but he should've known better to expect that he would've gotten what he wanted.

so he answered his band mate's questions.

"i sprained my ankle when i was practicing yesterday. they already told bang pd-nim about my injuries and i cannot dance for the next 8-12 weeks. i made it worse today when i was practicing. i'm sorry." he ignored their gaze as they were doing the opposite of what he intended. they kept on growing louder and louder and they sounded angry at him. that's not what he wanted. why couldn't he do anything right?

he didn't see tae looking at him, concern and worry featured on his face. tae noticed that there was something wrong with namjoon a little while ago and he wanted to make sure that namjoon knew that he was there for him even if it felt like none of them were there for him.

right now, it was one of those times where namjoon needs him because the rest of the members couldn't see how namjoon was on the verge of breaking down. they were blinded by their concerns for him and while he appreciates that, he can't help being a little pissed off.

"guys, the doctors said that he needs to rest. he can't rest with you guys asking him a question a mile per minute." their concerned faces turned into one of guilt as they apologized to namjoon, each one filing out of the room. jungkook gave namjoon a quick hug before following his hyungs out of the room.

namjoon gave him a small smile as taehyung made his way to the bed. namjoon scooted over and taehyung held him, rubbing his brown hair as he heard the small sniffles that came out of namjoon. he knows that today has been trying for their leader and he needs time to himself. as soon as namjoon fell asleep, he slipped out of the bed, pulling the blanket over him. he made his way out of the room where the rest of the boys were sitting, talking amongst them.

silence fell through when they noticed tae standing there. "he's asleep," he informed them and jin spoke up.

"is namjoon-ah okay?"

tae shrugged his shoulder. "physically, he will be fine in 8-12 weeks. emotionally? i don't know. he won't talk to me as much as he won't talk to you guys. we just have to show him that we are there for him."

-

it was a solid plan, in theory, being there for namjoon. but in actuality, they spent less and less time with him. dance practice would take them away for the entire day, having to re-block everything without namjoon being there. once again, namjoon caused trouble for his bandmates. and every day they would go out without him.

he supposes it's only fair because they are the ones that are working their butts off while he was sitting on his butt. he would see them post on their shared twitter accounts, the comments flooding him, everyone excited about how happy they are. and he has to admit, they are happy. are they always happy without him there? he wouldn't be surprised.

going further down, he saw plenty of people asking for him and many people answering that they were glad that he wasn't there. that he couldn't drag down the rest of the members down with his talentless self. he knows that he doesn't have any talents but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

with newfound motivation, he got up, without his crutches and hooked up his phone to the bluetooth speakers, their music wafting throughout the house. he practiced and practiced with his ankle in pain and his legs wanting to give up on him and his body shaking. but he shook those thoughts out of him as he made sure that he was the best. he went until he collapsed on the floor, his body not allowing him to get up again. he practiced until he had to crawl to the kitchen to get himself water. the food that jin made for him sat on the counter and namjoon really wants it. he really craves to eat something, the last time he ate was when he went to get his ankle checked out and the doctor thought that he was a little underweight.

he couldn't think because he needs to lose weight. his goal right now was a hundred and thirty pounds. he was at a hundred and fifty pounds from his previous one eighty. he was close and between the dancing and the lack of eating, he should be fine. he should be alright.

leaning against the refrigerator, he cracked open a bottle of water, finishing the bottle in a few gulps. he allowed himself to rest as he needed to get his strength back together. it took him quite a while for it to come back and he got up, on shaky legs, and made his way to the counter to throw the food away.

going to his room, he grabbed a box and his crutches and made his way out of the house, taking a little while to head to the river because of the fact that he had crutches. he had on an oversized hoodie and his mask, sunglasses, and hat again. namjoon didn't want to draw attention to himself and he is lucky that it is really cold outside because what kind of sane person goes to the water when it is so cold outside?

he gets there and opens the box, this is something that he has been doing for the past week. he looks at the blades and admires how shiny and pure they are. he admires the pain he can get from them and he knows that it is fucked up, the way he is thinking. there are so many people out there who have real problems and namjoon just has his feelings hurt. that's pathetic and that's why he loves the blades. he can punish himself for having such cowardly thoughts. but every time he feels like doing it, that he has the courage to take the blade to his wrists, tae always calls him. always asks how was his day and if he is by the river. he always cares and namjoon always feels guilty.

today, however, was a different story as it was nearing midnight and he still hasn't received a call from the younger. maybe this was it. maybe he stopped caring about him. as much as he wants to say that it didn't hurt him, it did. he must have done something that was so fucked up that even tae didn't want to talk to him.

he made sure that there was no one around him, not wanting to worry anyone around him. rolling up his sleeve, taking the blade and placing it against his skin, he slid the blade towards him, gasping as he felt the pain rushing through him. he then saw the blood coming. he loved it. he loved the pain he was feeling because he deserved it. he deserved it for making his bandmates work harder than they already were. he did it for interrupting yoongi's much-needed naps. he did it for not being the role model for jungkook that he always thought he was. he did it for jimin, not being able to go out with yoongi. for jin and his uneaten food. hoseok and his underappreciated choreography. and for tae and being the biggest burden for his dongsaeng.

he kept on doing it until his arm was bloodied up and he was feeling a bit woozy. he cleaned himself up, not wanting to get an infection. he wrapped his arm up and put the box into his hoodie pocket, making his way back to the house.

he heard them before he saw them and he wanted to cry. they did forget about him. unlocking and opening the door, his heart weighed down on him as they ignored his presence throughout the house. as they were joking around and having the time of their lives.

but it's okay. they deserve the fun they are having.

he doesn't.