서울 (Seoul)

vii. "hoseok the hyung"

"are you guys fucking kidding me right now?" hoseok yelled, gaining the attention of both jin and yoongi who stopped in shock. "you guys are really out here, yelling at each other when you could be inside supporting namjoon."

"namjoon was so--"

"cut the crap, yoongi. you did the same thing. we have been through this exact same thing with you. you literally have done the exact same thing but instead of trying to drown yourself, you were just trying to overdose. you still ended up in the hospital and who was the first person by your side? namjoon. namjoon who put took the time out of his life when he was getting yelled at by producers and choreographers for being there for you rather than working on the comeback. the comeback that was not even a week later. so get your head out of your ass and open your eyes because that was pathetic." jin looked smug and hoseok turned towards him.

"you're no better than him, hyung. namjoon is in the room, with jimin having a panic attack because you decided to yell at yoongi, triggering him into one. we came here to be together with him and there is only one person in there right now. don't come back into the room until you are both sure that you actually want to be here for him." hoseok stopped talking, running his hands through his hair. he added on a 'hyungs' just so he doesn't get yelled at later for not even being the least bit respectful for them.

he walked back in the room where namjoon seemed to be calmed down a little. jimin was still on the bed with namjoon, wiping his tears that came out of his eyes, running his hands through his hair, and humming a song that jimin was working on.

"hyung, no matter what you say, you didn't ruin this band."

"jiminie, you cannot tell me that this band isn't falling apart because of me. tae is in the hospital because of me. yoongi is mad at me and jin is mad at yoongi because yoongi is mad at me. i am the god of destruction. i just never thought that i would be destroying this band."

"namjoon-ah, listen to me," hoseok said, climbing onto the hospital bed. "everyone isn't mad at you. everyone is in shock and they all have their own ways of processing it. now, not all of them are healthy, but we are processing it."

"i should have never sent those messages. then you wouldn't have found me."

hoseok grabbed his hands and interlaced their fingers, squeezing it and bringing it up so he can kiss the hand. "remember when we found yoongi and how relieved we were when he was alive?" namjoon nodded his head. "that's how we feel now that we have found you. and i know, god, do i know, that you don't believe me but we will get through this together and we will become stronger because of that."

hoseok kissed the top of namjoon's head and then kissed his cheek. "hyung," the three boys looked at the doorway as taehyung was in the room, jungkook rolling him into the room. ignoring the looks and warnings that were coming from jungkook, tae got off of his wheelchair and threw himself on namjoon, sobs escaping his body.

if namjoon didn't feel guilty before, he surely feels guilty now, trying to comfort the shaking boy in his arms. namjoon kissed his forehead and squeezed him tight. "i'm here now, tae. i'm here and i'm breathing and i'm going to be okay." and for a split second, namjoon wanted those words to be true, if not for him, then for taehyung.

-

jin came back to the room, flowers in his hands.

the boys, minus yoongi, were laughing and joking around. namjoon, who hadn't had a genuine smile on his face for the longest time was laughing as well, dimples showing.

hoseok was the one who noticed jin standing there, looking awkward. it was a hard position for hoseok to be in, arguing with his hyungs, but since they couldn't stop arguing about something for the sake of the greater good, he had to step in.

everyone noticed when hoseok stopped speaking and jin noticed how the smile on namjoon's face disappeared as he stared at his hands, thinking that it is the best thing in the world at the moment. jin couldn't deny that looking at the fact that namjoon's attitude changed because of him, his hyung and his friend, hurt.

"namjoon-ah."

namjoon didn't raise his head but he stopped playing with his fingers, letting jin know that he can speak.

"i'm sorry for doing what i did. i shouldn't have left you alone and i did." jin handed namjoon the flowers and sat on his bed. namjoon looked up at him and there were unshed tears in his eyes. jin opened his arms and namjoon collapsed into them, squeezing namjoon tight.

-

"did you not take your medication?"

"i thought i was doing okay. i didn't have a breakdown for the longest time."

"you know better than to do that, yoongi. do you think that's why you lashed out at namjoon?"

yoongi looked at sihyuk, who ended up following him when yoongi stormed out of the hallway. there were tears in his eyes and yoongi looked down at his hands. "i..." he trailed off and the tears that he has been holding back for the longest time came escaping.

he was scared, yoongi. he didn't know that namjoon was feeling this way and yoongi, out of anyone, should have known that there was something wrong with namjoon. when he was distancing himself from the band, he should have realised that it was because of the thoughts that were plaguing his mind, not because of the fact that he felt guilty about not being at dance practice. when namjoon asked yoongi if he could speak to him, he should've put everything down and listen to his dongsaeng who was asking to talk to him, something that took a lot of courage to do. instead, yoongi asked if he could speak to him tomorrow, invested in the song that they were working on, something that needed a little tweaking. he never had the chance to talk to him the next day because that was the day that namjoon ran away. nothing clicked to him until he realized that namjoon had left the band and between not having the breakdown for the longest time and being stressed out trying to find namjoon every day for the past five days, yoongi forgot to take his medication.

he doesn't know why he lashed out namjoon. not really. but he supposes that between not taking the medication that his psychiatrist told him that he needed to take every day, twice a day, for the next year and a half and feeling guilty about not noticing these signs especially when he had the first-hand experience himself, he projected those feelings on namjoon.

the same namjoon who was probably feeling like shit and that was yoongi's fault. yoongi couldn't fathom everything. he couldn't be here. he couldn't face namjoon after doing what he did so he stood up and rushed out of the hospital, hastily putting up his hood and his mask, lowering his head down. he couldn't be there.