서울 (Seoul)

iv. "i've become so numb"

he isn't sad anymore and he doesn't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. he cannot feel anything anymore, so the constant pain he used to feel when he found out that the boys hung out without him again. or the heartache he used to feel when he read the hate comments weren't there anymore. he can finally move on with his life, he supposes. but his brain knows that this isn't something normal. he doesn't feel anything. the good along with the bad. he's just... numb.

he can't feel happy when jungkook talks to him about the smallest thing, watching the maknae lit up with love. he can't feel joy when he performs at the end of the year awards and the audience seems electrified. he can't feel the sense of accomplishment when he and yoongi stayed up to finish a song, something that his past self would've been proud of.

he has thoughts of leaving the group, allowing himself to spend the rest of his days without the members so he can separate himself from them as much as he could before he decides to end it all but he can't.

he's too selfish and those thoughts swimming around his head are the reason why his arms are littered with scars. it's why he has bags underneath his eyes because he cannot sleep with the thoughts plaguing his mind, the only way he can get rest is if he passes out. it's the reason why he convinces himself to not eat, only allowing himself a bottle of water a day and a pack of crackers a week.

he knows his hair is falling out, but he doesn't care anymore. all he wants to do is close his eyes and sleep forever.

right now, however, he was in a meeting with the boys, getting scolded by bang sihyuk and he doesn't even remember what he did wrong. he doesn't have the energy to even nod his head, his eyes boring a hole into the table in front of him. usually with these meetings, he'd respond and try to assure the elder that everything will end up being okay. he would promise that this won't happen again.

today, he was allowing his producer to yell at him. he was throwing out insults, something he apologized for afterward, his temper getting the best of him at that moment. this wasn't something that namjoon found surprising and instead of fighting the words mentally, he just let them stir around in his head because this is someone who took an extremely big risk on them and namjoon is only a disappointment.

when bang sihyuk was done chewing out his ass, he whispered out an apology and stood up, grabbing his crutches, bowing to him and left the room, vaguely hearing jin yelling and yoongi speaking. he wasn't affected by this, not necessarily. he heard the footsteps as he tried to leave the building, but before he could, someone reached out for his arm, grabbing it tight.

namjoon winced and tried to shake off the hand as he was forced to spin as fast as he can, seeing hoseok there. a troubled look was on his face. "are you okay, namjoon-ah?"

namjoon nodded his head. "i'm fine. i'm just going to head home."

hoseok nodded his head. "i'll go home with you."

namjoon knew better than to argue so he nodded his head and allowed hoseok to help him out of the building.

-

namjoon was cleaning up his mess as he heard the boys hushed whispers about him. he couldn't make out every word that came out of his bandmates mouth. however, he could pick up a few words here and there.

weak.

unsettling.

pathetic.

and he knew that they were talking about him. he knew that he shouldn't have expected anything different and that sooner or later they would've been sick of him as well. pocketing the box of blades, he hobbled his way to his bedroom and grabbed his wallet and his phone, passing them talking about him in the living room. as he left the house, purposefully forgetting his keys, he hailed a taxi, putting his mask up and hood on as he told the driver to go to the location he had in his mind.

when the driver pulled up and namjoon paid her, he thanked her, wishing her to have a wonderful day as he looked up at the sign. jamsill world meridien. he smiled a faint smile and walked up to the receptionist. bowing, namjoon asked him for a room. he asked if he could pay by the day and the receptionist, although hesitant, nodded his head and took the card.

handing the card and a key back to namjoon, warning him about the potential of the key not working if it is near a phone, namjoon had another request. "do you think it's possible that i could have my name unlisted?" the receptionist smiled and started working on that as namjoon went up to the fifth floor, room 519.

he pulled out his phone and called sihyuk.

as soon as the elder picked up, namjoon allowed himself to fall on the full-size bed and opened his mouth.

"i want to leave the band."

sihyuk, who couldn't get a word out, choked.

"pardon?"

"i want to leave bts. i want to leave the band. it's in my contract. i have the right to leave any time i want. well, right now, i want to leave."

there was a pause.

"this isn't because of earlier, is it? you know how i get, namjoon.

i put my fears onto you and there's not an excuse for what i did, but i didn't--"

"no," namjoon interrupted.

"excuse me?"

"it's not because of you," namjoon sighed and ran a hand through his hair. when he took a look at it, he saw small clumps of hair in between his fingers. "i can't do this anymore."

the producer heard a tone in the voice that he has never heard before. it was one of defeat. one that he has never heard in the entire time he worked with namjoon. namjoon was never defeated when his debut got set back a few years and he had to be reintroduced to new members when he already made connections with the other members. he never sounded like this when the world was laughing at the band, saying that they will never go anywhere. he never sounded like this when he was offered a job at as a solo artist and he didn't hesitate to choose bangtan, even though his dream was to be a solo artist.

so he agreed. "just come tomorrow and we will talk about it there, okay?"

namjoon nodded his head and thanked him multiple times before hanging up and throwing his phone onto the bed.

-

the six members were back in the room where not twenty-four hours ago, bang sihyuk was yelling at namjoon. they were curious as to why namjoon never came home, but they knew that he had to clear his mind. with being the leader of the band, he had a tremendous amount of stress on him at all times.

"i have bad news for you guys." they all at him, dread filling their stomachs. "as of right now, rm of bts, also known as kim namjoon, is no longer a part of bts."

silence.

tae pulled out his phone and excused himself as he called namjoon. "hyung?"

the small conversation carried on for a little bit as everyone tried to find out what was happening. when they didn't hear anything, jimin decided to check out what was happening. going outside the room, he saw tae on the floor, tear tracks on his face as tears kept on leaking out.

"jimin," tae whined. "he's not coming back."

a loud sob escaped his body.