My Full Confession

We Are All Souls With Secrets

It was horrible to be alone with him, yet I knew of course that what he had come here to say was not for my brother's ears. As much as I hated this man, we were now in something of the same boat. We both had, well we had similar issues to say the least. Issues regarding women, and disinterest. The man went to sit in Mycroft's chair, wincing with the odor before taking his pipe out of his mouth and leaning in over the table towards me.
"You know you don't have to sleep with her, if you don't want to." He muttered, speaking as if this should be some sort of secret between us. My eyes widened in fear, yet such words came as comfort if anything. That had been the one thing I was most afraid for, admittedly.
"Surely she'll assume..."
"She'll assume nothing. She'll have no place to assume. She'll be married to you, therefore you have her trapped and you still have control." He pointed out, as if he had experience with this himself.
"And you, you've never..." I hesitated, to which the man just laughed.
"Oh no. Not with Janine." He assured with something of a twinkle in his eyes. He looked me over for a moment, before going back to his pipe.
"The whole idea of marriage is strangely terrifying." I admitted quietly. Victor nodded his head, leaning back in his rocking chair and watching me anxiously.
"Yet it would be a waste, to leave you unclaimed." He insisted.
"Men can go without wives. It's been done before, surely..." I began, yet he silenced me with a quick twist of his fingers, and like the obedient servant I was I quieted my tongue.
"If you go without a wife, people might begin to suspect." Victor warned. "And once they begin to suspect, well anything can become criminal."
"Suspect what?" I asked, even though I already knew. Victor didn't respond, well of course he wouldn't even sat it out loud. He merely sat back in his rocking chair, staring out over the fields that were barren and snow covered. He smiled, quietly.
"Women are complicated things, William." He warned. "Whereas men with secrets, they are about as straightforward as anything can be. Men with secrets, I trust them more than men who have nothing to hide."
"You're a man with a secret." I presumed.
"Yes. As are you. As is your brother." Victor assured. "That's why we can all trust each other, yes? Because we will all fall together, should one of us go down."
"You're the Sherriff, you're immortal when it comes to the law. It doesn't apply to you." I pointed out.
"Oh, quite the contrary William. I hold an elected position, if word of scandal ever gets out I will be replaced, and offered the next position on the gallows." Victor pointed out. "I have never been so vulnerable, than when I sit in the public spotlight."
"That's why you married Janine?" I assumed.
"Yes." Victor agreed. "Yet my heart...dare it still wander." He cast his eyes back at me, taking a deep sigh of smoke, and parting his lips again in temptation. I squirmed uncomfortably, for I was still not comfortable with his advances, no matter how familiar they might be.
"I'm sorry Victor, but I don't think I can help you." I mumbled, rising to my feet and starting towards the door, with the intention of leaving our guest outside until he left on his own accord. However he grabbed my wrist, and heaved himself up quick enough that I was taken off guard. He was stronger than me, and with no effort at all he flung us both into the railing, me squirming underneath him, yet too afraid to break free just yet. He held me close, using his strength to keep me from going too far, and stared almost threateningly into my eyes.
"Help yourself, William. Do not think of love as a game for two, be selfish in your own aspirations." Victor suggested. "As men with secrets, we are wasted if we do not share them with at least one."
"Victor, I haven't got a secret." I insisted flatly, although the idea of John Watson flashed into my mind once more. It was impossible, an old dream based off of childhood ignorance. I was...well I was stronger than that now, was I not? I was older than that now.
"Shall I grant you one?" Victor suggested, breathing heavily now against my neck, tempting me with his lips now that they might be on top of my own... I didn't know what to say; thankfully I didn't have to say anything at all. Just as soon as a smile curled upon Victor's lips the screen door opened, and in a force of anger that I had never seen before my brother emerged, standing as tall and strong as he possibly could. He grabbed Victor from behind, around the waist, and used all of his acquired strength from working in the fields to lift the Sherriff from his feet and drag him away from me. With a great heave he threw the man from the porch, making him tumble to the snow in a heap of mud and shame. He didn't scream, no he wouldn't give either of that such a pleasure. It was I who screamed, clutching onto the banister and heaving large breaths, my heart racing and my mind clouded with fear. I looked back towards him, Victor who was now crawling to his feet and brushing off his suit in irritation. I looked back towards him, almost with the intention of calling him back. Weakness was overtaking me, and fear of the unknown was much more daunting than fear of Victor Trevor. I was afraid to be with a woman, God knows it's painful for me to admit that Victor might be a comfort in my life. I didn't want him, I didn't love him. I was just weak, and he was strong. Stronger than I ever would be, at least. And yet without a word from either of us he marched back to his car, getting into it and slamming the door closed as angrily and loudly as he could. With a roar of the engine and the screeching of tires he was off, disappeared into a cloud of dust and snow which left my brother and I alone. I looked towards Mycroft, my face pale and my heart struggling. I knew that he hated himself more than he hated me, simply for the fact that he had given up his opportunity to take my place. No Sherriff would ever want to kiss a farmer, and he surely realized that after seeing his brother be the target of his crush's romantic advances. Jealousy self-deprecated him, until poor Mycroft could not imagine a world in which he had any value. I felt bad, though this entire thing had not been my fault. I had not asked Victor to come so close, and yet I had not told him to back off. As if that would have made a difference.
"Thank you." I breathed, hoping those words would be enough to convey that I didn't want Victor near me. Mycroft said nothing, looking down upon the table to find Victor's pipe sitting there, still smoking. Wordlessly he picked it up, examined it, and went back inside. I didn't know what to do; well of course I was not smart enough to leave this all alone. I knew that my brother would be simmering in his rage, and if I didn't reassure him that I was uninterested, that rage might be aimed at me. I couldn't live in a house where all of the occupants hated me, and so like a fool I followed my brother into the house, scampering up the stairs (trying to be as quiet as possible, for my father was passed out at the kitchen table) and following his path towards his bedroom.
"Mycroft!" I hissed, letting myself in by pushing open the door a bit anxiously.
"William, oh get out!" he growled, getting up from where he was sitting at his desk in an attempt to swat me away. I avoided his aggression, side stepping and noticing that his eyes were brimming with tears.
"I'm not going to get out! Not until you understand that I did not ask for that." I insisted, putting my foot down and crossing my arms like the stubborn little brat I was in those days. Mycroft hesitated, looking at me with a look of jealous rage, and yet finally he went to close the door quietly, shaking his head and rubbing his hands almost painfully through his unkempt hair. He never bothered to keep it maintained these days, not when my father was the only one he had to impress.
"I know you didn't." he admitted finally. "Victor just takes what he wants, I've not been blind in these years to know that you're ultimately his goal."
"I've not been blind either." I muttered, looking towards my heartbroken brother with something of a pitiful look. The man grumbled, turning away from me and sinking back into his desk chair.
"Oh, don't worry about me." he sighed.
"I do worry about you, Mycroft. God, we both know you're better than this! We both know that you should be out in the world, like Victor is, making your own money and doing something better than, than just sitting in a barn all day!" I exclaimed, walking up to him as if that might better prove my point. Nevertheless my enthusiasm did not seem to move him, and instead he sunk lower into his chair, shaking his head grimly.
"What choice do I have, brother mine?" he whispered.
"When I marry Irene, perhaps we can use the money to send you to college as well." I offered finally.
"You'll bankrupt that family with all the plans you're making. Besides, she'll know. Just as soon as you start talking finances she'll realize what a mistake she's made." Mycroft insisted.
"She'll know before that, I'm afraid." I admitted quietly. "Victor told me that I don't have to...well that I'm not obligated to make it a complete relationship. That I could...avoid certain aspects." My voice had dropped dramatically, for there was something embarrassing about talking about romance with my brother. He seemed so painfully removed from everything that had to do with partners, and with love. He seemed so much of an alienated man that sometimes I forgot he had it within his power to love and to lust. When I looked upon him now, this broken and dirty man before me, I could almost forget that look he wore in his eyes the day he stared at Victor. Back when he was just a boy, an orphaned and desperate boy. Where was that look now, I wondered? Where was that emotion?
"You should try to enjoy yourself, William. She's a beautiful woman, if you marry her you should...well you should make the most of it." he suggested quietly.
"I don't love her." I said quality.
"Well of course you don't. You're too stubborn to." Mycroft scowled.
"I'm not too stubborn; I'm just too much like you." I pointed out. Mycroft turned, his eyes narrowing in something of disappointment.
"And what is it that you think I am?" he asked. I hesitated, for his black eyes were daring me to say the word, daring me to say the very thing he had scared off of my lips for the longest time. It faltered in my throat, and yet still I felt it emerge...
"A homosexual." I whispered. The man rose from his chair, trembling yet powerful all the same. Evidently he did like to be looked down upon, especially not when he was being faced with such an insult. Yet it wasn't an insult, it was true! And perhaps that's what made it all the more painful for him. Perhaps he didn't want to admit to himself what was in his own heart.
"Don't ever say that, William. Don't even think it, about anyone. I don't want to hear you accuse me of such crimes, nor do I want you to associate them with yourself. How dare you. I thought that phase of your life had ended when Mr. Watson hanged." Mycroft growled, his black eyes gleaming threateningly. I had never expected my brother to hit me before, but I saw it in his eyes the potential to. He did not look afraid; he looked defensive, like an animal trapped in the corner. He looked ready to fight, or to run.
"But it's just love!" I insisted painfully. "Being with the people we want to be with, loving them because it makes us feel good inside...I've seen the way you look at Victor! You can't deny that just because it's criminal, it's not what you want."
"I don't want him, I don't want anyone. And I've certainly not looked at him in any way that might..."
"Yes you have!" I defended anxiously. "I've seen you stare into his eyes; I've seen the way you ache! Why else would you be crying, Mycroft? If not for the fact that it was not you against the railing tonight?"
"Stop!" Mycroft exclaimed, pushing me away with some force. I stumbled backwards, nearly tripping over my own feet had I not been able to clutch to the bedpost and save myself. My brother let out something of a scream of frustration, lunging again at me, and herding me towards the door.
"Leave me alone, William! Don't ever speak of this again, don't ever!" he exclaimed, his voice choking back as a sob tried to emerge. He closed his lips, yet tears began to stream from his eyes once more. Fresh tears, things that I could hardly recognize upon his face.I was too afraid to persist, too timid to do anything else but obey him. And so I nodded, taking one last look at my poor brother before racing out the door to hide under my blankets, and try to replace the look on my brother's face instead with darkness."