My Full Confession

A Boy He Used To Know

I hardly allowed Mycroft to come up the stairs, for in my excitement I rushed at him so enthusiastically that he nearly toppled down with the shock of it.
"Mycroft!" I exclaimed joyously, waiting for him to get onto the landing before I jumped onto him with a big hug of relief.
"William shush, shush! Father is asleep downstairs, keep your voice down!" Mycroft hissed, pushing me off of him in slight discomfort. "What is so urgent?"
"John was here." I whispered, straining myself to keep calm all the while my entire body felt as though it was jumping up and down in excitement.
"He was here? But he's been gone for how many years, certainly you're confused." Mycroft said with a little shake of his head, evidently not able to comprehend that miracles do in fact happen.
"Well he's back, whatever the reason. He was here, he's going to live in his old house, and work for father in the fields! I'm telling you Mycroft, I shook his hand! I promise it was him!" I insisted, following my brother like an over enthusiastic puppy as he shuffled off to his bedroom.
"I believe you, going off your smile alone. I haven't seen you smile in a long time." Mycroft grumbled. I hesitated, frowning at him now, and his ability to turn every joyous occasion into a reason for mourning.
"Well I'm smiling now. And perhaps even in your depressed state you could find it in your heart to be happy for me? He's back, my best friend; he's...well God Mycroft you need to see him. I couldn't imagine that such a boy could grow into such a man." I muttered with something of a chuckle.
"Now watch your tongue, William. Keep hold of your heart." Mycroft warned.
"Oh you know nothing will come of it." I whined. "Let me just imagine for now, that perhaps something might."
"No! I won't let you live in your fantasies; you'll begin to get your hopes up. And you'll end up either disappointed or hanged! Take your pick, brother mine." Mycroft snarled.
"Victor himself is a homosexual, surely he won't..."
"He will." Mycroft warned. "He's been looking for a reason to, I'm sure."
"Why would he want to hang me?" I growled. "He's a family friend!"
"He's a villain, William. He's nothing more than a fiend, out for blood." Mycroft warned.
"You only hate him so much because you can't love him." I pointed out, crossing my arms and lingering in the doorway of my brother's bedroom. "You're just keeping me away from John because you're jealous."
"I'm not jealous of you, William. I want to keep you alive, that's all. Is that not the task of the older brother, in the end? Keeping everyone f**king alive?" Mycroft growled. I blinked in shock, stumbling a bit out into the hallway on behalf of my brother's vulgarity. I had never heard him use such a word, especially not directed at me. Of course my father liked to enrich his sentences with such color, yet my brother up until this point had never dared to use such a foul tongue. I didn't know what to do other than run off to my bedroom, finding now that my only ally in this house had turned his heart against me. I heard him cry out in apology, yet my door was already shut. Oh but what did it matter? No matter how heavy this loneliness was, I knew that it was vanish just as soon as the sun rose. For with the sun would come John Watson, with what few possessions he owned. He was going to be my neighbor once more; he was going to be my friend. Or perhaps something more. I dared a smile onto my face, flinging myself onto the bed and rolling into a great ball with the blankets pulled up to my neck. Never had I felt such joy, such crushing hopefulness! After all of these years of waiting, he finally returned to me. After all of these horrible years avoiding who I was, and who I wanted to be, finally it seemed as though I might be able to reach my full potential! I might be able to allow myself a lover. And Mycroft was right, in a way, of course he was right. Victor was hang happy, it didn't matter if he knew the criminal or not. I'm sure he at least appreciates me, if not for my brains then my beauty, and perhaps that would be all the more reason to get me out of the way. Victor didn't like being inferior to anyone, and I was quite superior in everything but status. It must bother him. Yet it didn't matter now, the consequences came after the crime, yes? The crime hadn't even happened yet...still the crime might be the highlight of my entire life. And who had to know? Surely no one deserved to witness such a thing, surely we would both be as secret as we ought to be? Mycroft will perhaps be the only one to suspect, for my father stared at his eyelids most of the time. So long as Victor didn't begin to hang around the house I knew that we might be safe. Safe for a little intimacy, after eleven years of agonizing distance between us. After eleven years of waiting for the next touch of hands, or fingers...or lips. Could he love me? Would he love me? Well of course things aren't as simple as they used to be, things weren't as carefree. As children we didn't know why we weren't allowed to touch, yet now surely there would be some hesitation. On my end of course, I was getting married, and on his end presumably he had some sort of lover. Surely a boy like that couldn't saunter his way through life without having picked up a keen woman. Yet perhaps he thought the same of me, perhaps he wondered if I even remembered the childhood we used to share? Perhaps he wondered if I even cared to remember him? But I did, I did remember him! Ever since he left me my life had been agony, of course I remembered every moment we ever shared! Of course I cherished those memories, under the impression that I would not live to make anymore. Oh how could he ever love me? A boy like that, a boy so strong and strapping. Certainly he would not care to love a scrawny little book worm like me, he would not want to cradle a man he thought he might break in his strong grip. I was nothing more than pretty; I had no money and no skills to be heard of. Certainly he could do better than me. Certainly he would want more, than just a boy he used to know.