My Full Confession

What We Never Lost And Never Had

"Fancy seeing you here." called a teasing voice. I turned anxiously to see the man of the hour walking towards me, the one who prayed so anxiously on my mind. I rose eagerly to greet him, before feeling rather foolish and falling back onto the bench where I had started. John approached slowly, with his hands in his overall pockets and his pipe hanging from his teeth. He was so dazzlingly handsome that I almost said something; I almost paid him some sort of well-deserved compliment. Yet I kept my mouth shut, lest I betray myself and the secrets which were bubbling inside of me.
"I missed the old days." I admitted quietly. "Thought perhaps you might have to."
"Every day, Sherlock." John assured, standing under the branches of the tree and staring up at the beautiful budding flowers. He added a puff of smoke to the air before reaching up and plucking one of the more beautiful blossoms, twirling it in his fingers and observing it carefully.
"I get married in five days." I muttered solemnly.
"Yes." John agreed, in an equally sour tone, before walking over to me and very gently tucking the blossom behind my ear. I felt myself blush, touching the thing against my skin and finding that I had no words to thank him. The mere touch of his hand against my cheek was enough of a reward for the both of us, and it left me speechless.
"Sherlock, you know you're still allowed to back away." John said finally, before sinking down onto the bench next to me. He sat close, so that our shoulders overlapped, and yet still I felt the urge to lean closer. I still felt that we were too far apart, despite our touching.
"I know." I admitted. "And yet...yet I couldn't."
"Does your own happiness mean nothing to you?" John asked, rather harshly. He turned his eyes to meet mine, to which I hesitated, yet kept the glare. I couldn't think of anything else to do, but to stare back anxiously.
"What else could I do, John? What else can I do to ensure my happiness?" I asked him rather painfully, with a specific answer in mind. He must also have had an answer, and yet whatever it was, he kept it to himself. Instead he let his head fall away, shaking his head as if he was out of suggestions.
"I thought perhaps things would be the same, when I returned." John admitted quietly. "Every day I woke up, with this place in my mind. Every day I wondered if that would be the day I ran away from that dreadful place, from my broken family."
"Where would you have gone?" I asked in a nervous whisper.
"Here, of course. I did run away, in the end. I escaped back to the place I wanted so desperately to be, the place that lingered in my dreams for as long as I could remember them." John admitted, grabbing his pipe from his mouth and holding it against his knee.
"You missed the farm?" I presumed.
"I missed you." John growled, shaking his head as if such a thing was difficult for him to admit.
"I'm still here, John. We're together again, is that not enough?" I asked quietly.
"You're not still here, Sherlock. This isn't you; I'm just talking to a version of you, the one which was molded around your true self as you aged under the influence of your father, and your brother. The one which was created so suit a wife, and a child, and a future." John growled. I was quiet, half way between defending myself so as to maintain my dignity, or agreeing with him and betraying my true feelings. Yet the more he spoke the more it seemed as though he knew what was in my heart all along. The more he spoke; he made it ever so clear what was in his heart as well.
"I didn't know you were going to come back." I defended finally. "I didn't know that I was supposed to wait for you." Very boldly I leaned into him, ever so slightly so that it could be passed off as a mistake if not accepted, yet enough to make sure he felt the difference in weight. It felt right, to be against his shoulder once more. It felt right when his arm snaked around my neck, and pulled me closer so that my head could fall upon his shoulder. John sighed heavily, allowing his fingers to play within my lower hanging curls, closing his eyes for a moment as if he decided he wanted to remember this moment for the rest of his life. As if he was trying to sear this very moment into his brain, with the intention of revisiting it when he found himself alone.
"Did you miss me, Sherlock?" John wondered quietly.
"Of course I did. Every day I would look towards this house, look for smoke in the chimney. Look for signs that it was all just a bad dream." I admitted. John nodded, leaning his head against mine now, so as to be even closer.
"Let's for the moment pretend it was." John whispered back. "Let's be children again, Sherlock. Let's break the rules, and disregard authority. Let's be carefree, and unburdened."
"If only we could." I muttered miserably. "If only we could turn back the time."
"We can't, but Sherlock we can stay here." John assured, leaning back on the bench and pulling me down with him. I let out a yelp of surprise, for I found myself falling into his chest, and yet his arms kept me from falling, they kept me close. I almost couldn't catch my breath, yet finally I allowed myself to relax, and to position myself so that I could rest my head on his chest, and feel his heartbeat throbbing underneath his ribs. It was a quick heartbeat, a suggestive heartbeat. One that beat almost as fast as mine. "For right now you're not married, and I'm not miserable. Right now we're together again, and that's all we need." I recognized the words he was reciting, or at least I recognized the framework of them. It was something along the lines of the same speech I had whispered to him that night; when he laid trembling in my bed, afraid that his father was going to be facing the gallows. Thankfully, I knew just how to respond.
"This moment can last for ages, if it has to." I whispered in response. I felt him sigh underneath me, and hug me closer than ever.
"You remember." He murmured. I grinned against his chest, finding one of his hands with my own and clutching it playfully.
"Of course I remember." I assured. "Our last moment together."
"It wasn't the last, for we're here now." John assured.
"The last spent in childhood." I corrected quietly.
"Was it the last? Is it over now? Or had it lasted for ages, and here we are again? Not starving, not desperate, not married? After all of those years, are we connected to those same boys so long ago? Have we ever separated from each other's arms?" John asked.
"Perhaps not." I admitted.
"And so perhaps we do not need to separate again." John suggested. I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, and yet I liked the idea of it. And so I nodded, feeling my eyes growing heavy as my body began to relax once more. The steady drumming of his heart began to get hypnotic, for I knew that every beat was meant for my ears, and meant for mine alone. I knew that every beat was because of me, that I was meant for it and that I was deserving of it. His heartbeat mirrored mine, together we made a rhythm that was shared entirely between ourselves. Together we were one. I managed to fall asleep, for how long I could not say. Yet when I woke I found that I was still lying against his chest, and the sun had fallen down into the sky, so that there were splashes of orange and red interrupting the usually pristine blue. Sunset, already. John was not asleep, and as soon as I began to stir he muttered a few words of surprise before letting his head fall back onto the bench where it had been lying the whole time.
"My arm's asleep." Was the first thing he said to me, to which I chuckled a little bit apprehensively.
"Sorry." I grumbled, sitting up and falling off of him, so as to let him get situated once more.
"It's quite alright." He assured a bit teasingly, puffing at his pipe to find that the flame had long since gone out. He frowned, yet pocketed the thing, and got to his feet and bit stiffly. For a moment he stretched, and I sat and stared at the ground, knowing that it was now or never to do something rash. I knew that I could put an end to my problems; all I had to do was say the words...
"John, perhaps you'll be my best man?" I asked anxiously, getting my feet to join him at eye level. He looked rather disappointed that such a thing was the first thing out of my mouth, and yet he nodded quietly, sharply.
"Yes, I suppose I could." he agreed rather miserably. "As much as I will hate having to give you away." I hesitated, yet stood forward and offered him my hand hesitantly.
"There's nothing either of us can do." I muttered painfully. "Nothing that can stop what's already been set in motion."
"Perhaps you tell yourself that, Sherlock. But we both know it's not true." John whispered. He took my hand within his own, and stepped forward enough so that he could look into my eyes. I stared at him, my entire face reddening as I saw determination in his, my entire body turning to jelly now as he began to lean in...I don't know what I was expecting, yet my hand clutched his so anxiously that my fingernails drew blood from his palm. Yet I wasn't trying to fight him away, no I was just trying to adapt, I was just trying to process. I was trying to ease him closer, in my own way. I felt his lips upon my cheek, so close to my own lips that the corners must have matched up...It was a quick kiss, a mere peck upon my skin that could be interpreted in many different ways. I took it to be love; I could see no other possibility than that. Yet it could have meant a great many other things, good luck, good riddance, good fortune...But I knew it to be affection, I knew that he intended it to be not on my cheek but on my lips. Yet we were both cowards, despite how close we wanted to be, despite how we wanted to turn our heads just slightly so as to meet one another, he pulled away. And I let him. And that was how he faded away from me that night, that night that should've lasted forever. His lips fell off of my skin, and his fingers let mine hang alone, and quietly he turned away from me, letting me glance at one last mournful stare before he went back to his dingy little house to mourn for what he had not yet lost, nor ever had.