When I got home, my brief moment of self confidence had passed. I was now on a mission: Operation Make Me Look Cute in This Dress Again. Step 1: Work out daily. Even more than usual. Like, 5 hours a day. Step 2: Stop eating. Stay strong. Do not cave and eat Oreos. Step 3: Do not let the world know. Do not let them in. Make them believe that you are a golden girl, an angel. Step 4: Secretly be imperfect. Meet C in the pool house weekly. Be strong be strong be strong be strong. I wrote this list down on a piece of paper and put it in my sock drawer. I tiredly plopped down onto my bed and looked around at my room. I loved this place. I was the only child, and therefore had gotten the master bedroom, along with every freaking thing one could possibly want in it. My walls were my favorite shade of robin egg blue, and they matched the comforter on my king sized bed. On one wall, I had framed pictures of me at every place I had ever been in the world...every state in the US, tons of countries in Europe, numerous parts of Asia and South America, the Caribbean islands, Canada...the list never ended. On the opposite wall, I had an impossibly huge saltwater fish tank. My love of fish was one I shared with my dad, and he had therefore had the tank actually built into the wall for me. They were on auto feeders and contained nearly 25 tropical fish. It was a project that cost almost 1.5 million dollars. But hey, it was worth it. My reading nook contained all of my favorite books on wall to wall shelves and a comfortable L shaped couch. I had a flat screen TV and a mini fridge filled with chilled water and fresh fruit. Lastly, a balcony looked over the pool, offering stunning views of the courtyard and acreage. Never mind, I decided. I hated this place. It was AMAZING. It was comfortable and beautiful and the size of a studio apartment in itself. But it was unreal. It was too perfect. It did not fit the new me at all. It took every ounce of self control I had not to break the TV screen or the glass on the fish tank. Instead, I went across the hall to our in home gym and got on the treadmill. I didn't care that my parents would be angry (I was supposed to be asleep- it was 12:03 am after all.) I would run for a few hours, just enough to burn off all my calories. I was ready to be strong. For Dustin and Clara, for all the people counting on me...but most of all, for myself.
