hidden | ethma

forty nine

the words leave my mouth and i quickly shut it, my heart pounding.

ethan's expression hardens. "pick a different one," he says quickly. he breaks my gaze and looks down, his brow furrowed thoughtfully.

"no," i say firmly. "no, you said a secret for a secret. i kept up my end of the bargain, so keep up yours."

he sighs, looking down. my old sense of curiosity is eating me alive again, anticipating what he's going to say.

he's silent for so long i think he may never say anything, but he finally speaks.

"her name was violet," he says quietly. "violet watergate." he chews on his lip. "i met her in a bar when i was half hammered, and the only thing i could think the moment i met her was, "she's the most beautiful girl i've ever seen."" a small smile graces his lips. "she had this blonde hair, real soft. it was long, too. it fell halfway down her back, and she always wore it in these waves that i liked. and-and she had these really blue eyes that were clear, like the ocean. they were so blue, emma. so blue." i see the memories clouding before his eyes as he looks up at the sky.

he takes a breath before continuing. "i had just moved from jersey, and i was a mess. but when i met violet — damn. she was like nicotine, that girl. she didn't commit to anyone, and i knew that, but somehow i just kept going back to her. it would be three in the morning, and i'd be up, and i'd call her and she'd always pick up. every time." the smile falls from his lips. "and before i knew it, i couldn't let her go."

he meets my gaze. "except, i was nothing to her. i knew that, too. i knew she only kept me around because i was crazy for her, and she thrived on that. i knew it, but i didn't do anything about it."

he looks off into the distance. "so when she told me she was moving to los angeles to pursue a career in acting, i guess i wasn't too surprised. i told her i loved her that day, and she laughed in my face."

i stare at ethan, captivated.

"i remember every second of that day," he says quietly. "it's like, everything i said to her bounced off of her. nothing i said mattered. the day that she left, i was gutted. i wanted to scream and yell at her for leading me on all this time, but instead i just watched her move out of your-" he stops himself, looking away quickly.

"what? my what?"

he sighs. "your apartment," he says softly. "she lived in your apartment."

it all seems to click in my mind. "that's why you hated me," i say, furrowing my brow. "not because you thought i was pretentious because i moved into her apartment and you hated that."

he nods. "yeah." he looks down. "the day we met, and i told you to keep the noise down... i came over to just... see for myself that she was really gone. i mean, it had been three years. no one moved in, i had just thought it would remain vacant, and i was okay with that. but when you answered the door..." he swallows. "i hated that you just moved in, with all your stuff, just... wiping the slate clean of everything that violet ever had in that apartment."

ethan meets my eyes. "and i'm sorry, for that. i was a douche about that."

"it's alright."

he nods, sighing.

"have you spoken to her since?" i ask.

ethan shakes his head. "no. she gave me her phone number but when i called her a few days after she left, a guy answered."

i stare at him.

"i asked who he was, and he told me he was her boyfriend." he looks at me. "she had been gone for two days, emma. forty eight hours later and she had a boyfriend." ethan shakes his head. "she never once let me be her boyfriend," he says in a small voice.

i feel the urge to wrap my arms around him at that moment, to comfort him. to tell him that he'll fall in love with someone new, and that he'll be happy. i want him to be happy. i want to watch him smile and watch his eyes squint up when he laughs really hard. i want to take his hand and tell him that violet wasn't good enough for him, and that someone else out there is.

but i sit still, just watching him. "i'm sorry that happened," i say finally.

he nods again. "i know. i am too."

i swallow. "do you...do you still love her?"

ethan looks at me. "no." he licks his lips. "i don't believe in love anymore."

i blink. "that's not very optimistic."

"i'm not an optimist."

"still."

"emma, this isn't a fairy tale. there's no happy endings, there's no prince charmings, and there's certainly no love." his tone is venomous.

"i'm sorry you feel that way."

he looks at me. "you can't honestly tell me you believe in that shit, do you?"

"i do."

"emma, you've been sexually harassed once and physically abused twice. how could you possibly think that love exists?"

i flinch at his words. "just because i've been through that doesn't mean i'll never fall in love with someone. someone who won't do any of that to me." i swallow. "and i think if someone right came along, you could fall in love again."

ethan scoffs. "that's a load."

"no, it's not. you shouldn't let one girl ruin your outlook on love."

"she wasn't just a girl," ethan says. "she was violet."

i suddenly find myself wondering what it would be like to be loved by ethan. would he do anything for me? would he kiss away the pain that still lingers from my past with weston and elizabeth? would he hold my hand whenever i was feeling down, and hold me close to him when i couldn't sleep? would he take every opportunity to make me smile?

no. he wouldn't do any of that. because he's ethan, and he doesn't believe in happy endings, prince charmings, and certainly not love.