hidden | ethma

seventy six

ethan runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath. i watch him intently, not having a clue what to expect. 

the photobooth is crammed, and ethan's knee touches mine as we sit on the little bench. the screen lights up in front of us, inviting us to pick an effect and push start, but taking pictures seems to be the last of our worries at the moment. 

seeing ethan act as he did throws me off a little. i've never truly seen a vulnerable, emotional side of ethan. and although it breaks my heart to see him wipe tears away, another part of me wants to see this side of him, to know every aspect of it. 

"now, where did i leave off?" 

i look at my hands folded in my lap, not answering. 

i feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to say something but i never do. 

"ah, yes. when i was finally discharged from the hospital." he goes on as if i offered him an answer, and i see the emotion and vulnerability i experienced from him moments ago quickly fade away. "grayson was still staying with me at that point, and he told me he knew you had gone home. that just confirmed what i already knew. i went into this state of numbness after that, knowing i had made you promise me to stay hidden, but in all honestly, i had never expected to live."

ethan shifts lightly, crossing his arms over his chest. "grayson moved out around march, getting an apartment not far from mine and yours, and he's been getting back into construction. someone in the same business as crystal met him at the party and offered him a job interview, so there's that." 

"as for me, i went on with my life. except, it wasn't really my life anymore. i did the same things i did before we met, thinking you were better off without me. i went to work every day and did my job, i mailed you your paychecks and i slept alone. but things were so obviously different. i had never realized just how boring i was before i was with you." 

i swallow, daring to look up from my lap. 

"i did a lot of thinking. too much thinking, probably. i thought about all the things i said to you the night of the party, and all the things you said to me. i thought about how i swore i'd keep you safe, and you were safe in san francisco. i always thought about the promise i made you, about seeing you again. i kept trying to figure out how to keep both promises, but i couldn't." 

"you see, ever since the first night you had run-in with wolfe, when nate and levi stopped you on the street, this paranoia has built inside of me. it was small at first, easy to ignore. but as time went on and i watched you immerse yourself in more and more danger before my very eyes, and because of me, no less; it grew until it was too much for me to handle. it consumed me the night of the party, when i told you to stay hidden. it was terrifying and agonizing, but i had thought i was going to die that night, so i assumed that the danger you were in would erase with my death." 

hearing ethan speak of his proposed death makes my stomach churn. 

"although wolfe enterprise was the only dangerous shit i was involved with, after the party i still believed i was a threat to you. i knew in a logical part of my brain that i wasn't, and you'd be fine, but the irrational remnants of my paranoia got the best of me. i truly thought if i were to come after you and be with you again, i would endanger you again, and just thinking of that tore me apart. it was all in my head, all psychological. it may be the worst excuse in this whole damn universe, but i can't give you a better one. it was me against my mind, and for a while there, it seemed like my mind was winning."