Why'd You Leave Me // Phan (sad)

2

I decided to make the video today. It was 2 days after I wrote that letter saying I miss him so much. So now it's been 10 days he left.

I had my camera and lights set. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I'm going to.

I sat in my chair, ready to do this. I close my eyes. I know Phil will want me to do this. I open my eyes and pressed record. "Hello internet. Today is not a normal video. Just..." I break down in tears. I stop recording. I don't want to cry at the beginning. I started over and over again. Then I got a hold of my self.

"Hello internet. This is taking a while for me to record. So I'm just going to go for it."

"We all know... 10 days ago something happened to someone we love so much. God... I know I love this person so much." I look at the camera. "It was Phil. Phil posted a video kinda telling you guys what he was going to do. I didn't know since I was out."

"I came home... Couldn't find Phil and looked in the bathroom. Right there his wrist was bleeding very badly. He had a empty bottle of pills, and a note. This note in his hand. I remember his last words to me and what I said."

"Then he just left the world. His body in my arms and I realized he was gone. It was horrible... I swear it was. It was terrible to call 9-9-9 and then to tweet it out." I said, crying. "You guys were devastated. But my god I was horrible."

"I swore I wasn't going to cry." I said, wiping my eyes.

"I lost someone I fucking love. I love him so much! When I saw that, it killed me. It killed me." My voice cracked.

"Since that night. I started to write is this little notebook. What I write about is how I feel and what happened that day. Also it's to Phil. I have a feeling he's in the room with me reading it. I feel like he's here right now watching me make this video."

"I been very depress now. Phil helped me with my depression, and now it's not fixed. It's back to how it was. I miss Phil so much. So fucking much..." I say. "I guess that's the end of this video. Sorry if I'm tweeting a lot or I might take forever to post videos. I'm trying to take this all in." I look at the camera.

"That's all I guess. I'll see you guys later. Press subscribe and I'll talk to you all later. Bye." I ended the video and rubbed my eyes. I could tell they were red and puffy now.

I edit my video and posted it.

I read the comments and tweets of the fans responses to the new video. God these fans are very supportive. Most said, 'Hope you get better soon Dan! Remember we are here to help you!!' I smiled. Then one comment caught my eye.

'Dan. I know this is very hard for you. It's hard for us fans to. We lost someone we love to watch everyday in our lives. And you lost someone you love so much. Now that Phil is gone, you have been sad. Seeing you sad makes us sadder. Dan... You need to find a way to be happy. Yes it'll be very hard, but you have to somehow. We hate seeing you sad. Phil would want you to find a way to be happy. Maybe take a break from YouTube? Yes it's hard for me to say that, but you need to make yourself before you make us happy! So please think about it Dan. We love you. And Phil.

~Samantha'

I reread this over and over again. Samantha is right. Yes it'll be hard, but I should try. Take a break from YouTube and just try to find somethng to make me happy. I clicked on reply and typed on my keyboard.

'Hello there Samantha. Yes this is very hard for me. And I know it's hard for you all and we all lost someone. I know I'm sad and it's hard. Maybe I can try to find something to make me happy. Phil might want me to do that. Your comment actually made me a little better. I might think about taking a break from YouTube. I love you and everyone else.