[Requested]
With every passing day it seemed as though the migraines had only gotten more intense, the lack of sleep was finally taking its toll, and the constant stress and pressure that came with being an idol certainly wasn't helping. The tenseness to her muscles could be seen from a mile away making her appear more like a mannequin than a female of flesh, bone, and emotion. She wanted nothing more than to melt into her mattress and drift into the world of dreams yet Jae could only sleep when exhausted.
On good days she'd get three hours, on bad days two. Waking up in the earliest hours of the day, usually around three or three-thirty in the morning, the world beyond her curtains would tease her with its silence; everyone and everything sleeps except her.
That's exactly how she had spent every night for the last month, and the boys knew about it, but only one of them had witnessed it... When a migraine hits it spreads like ink on paper and held her prisoner, quiet and helpless in her own cage of pain that would throb so violently around her skull that she was surprised it hadn't just cracked open. The night before seemed to be a bit different as tears spilled and whines slipped resulting in a barely awake Yeosang finding her curled up on her bedroom floor under a blanket. He had stayed with her and planned to stay as long as she needed him to even if she refused to admit she wanted him there. That night she had slept for what felt like the first time in a long time. Almost as if his calm presence being wrapped around her during her raging storm was enough to bring her at ease.
That's how she knew the boys were keeping an eye on her, watching her every move, observing her behavior and expressions even now during the VLive they were all doing together. Yes, it seemed like they were being their normal loud, happy, and excited selves, but she caught every side glance, every reassuring smile, and every single worrisome whisper she was sure was about her.
She took in a deep, unsteady breath before placing her hands, enclosed together, onto the table. Nimble fingers played with the sleeve of her hoodie, having zoned out quite some time ago, she blinked a few times to bring herself back down to earth just in time to watch as her hand was slid off of the table by the boy next to her. Fingers lacing together a warm hand had gripped her fingers and gave a comforting squeeze and to his surprise before he could let go, Jae squeezed back. She needed this connection, this moment to tell her she wasn't alone, she wasn't crazy for feeling the way she did. Hongjoong was always the one she trusted with everything and it hurt that she felt the need to hide what she was going through from him for so long. From the very beginning he was the one person she told everything to even when things between them began to falter due to both of them always being busy with other things and other people she went to him for everything and trusted him with it too. She assumed he'd be upset, but oh boy was she wrong.
Joong was a bit more understanding while Seonghwa on the other hand was upset. Not upset as in he felt angry, but upset as in he felt disappointed that she hid the problem instead as if that were solution and that hurt her more than she could've ever imagined. Believe it or not as he sat across from her he studied her in every way possible. From the dark circles under her eyes attempted to be cover by makeup to how she couldn't seem to sit still and fidgeted every other minute or so. She was tired and he couldn't understand how he hadn't noticed it before.
Maybe that's why he was so upset. Maybe he was more upset with himself for letting it go unnoticed for so long...
The internal fight he had been having with himself was rough and he was sure the others felt the same. Watching as the second youngest attempted to make her laugh he smiled to himself as he clapped rather loudly with victory when she let out a chuckle that almost went unnoticed. Wooyoung, Yunho, and San were a bit thrown off by her behavior... She was never this still, this disconnected. The room always buzzed with energy when she was in it, but now it was as if she vacated, like she was missing. The constant jokes from Wooyoung usually had her doubled over in laughter while he waited for her to reply with a bad joke of her own, but this time he got what seemed like a forced chuckle. He missed the person she used to be and he promised himself he'd help her get back to exactly that maybe even better than before because he knows she'd do the same thing for him.
He knew it was killing the boy next to him to sit here and act as if everything were ok. He wasn't San at the moment, his usual hyper and loud self had mellowed and wanted nothing but his soulmate to be his other half again. Not saying she wasn't his other half right then but from what he could see it was like she was a clone replacing the one person who was supposed to understand and connect with him in every way and on every level. She was supposed to bring him a sense of peace, calmness, and happiness, but now it was like she wasn't even around and he was aware of everything wrong in the world, aware of the harshness of life. He was determined to be the reason she cracked a real smile, the reason that famed little gleam of happiness and mischief in her eyes would spark back to life, and the reason she became whole again.
Sometimes, when Yunho is not feeling well, just the thought of her name lightens his mood. Friendship is a form of love and they both always loved in full measure and love means taking the good times and the hard times. It means standing by the other in times of heartache, easing their pain, and seeing them for the human being that they are. He felt content that she was always there to protect him, to save him, from any harm. In his mind it sucked that he couldn't do the same for her when to always be there for her, to lift her up when ever she fell was all he ever wanted.
Mingi was never good when it came to showing his feelings around Jae to begin with and now that he really wanted to he was struggling. He had been awake the night Yeosang had found her... hearing her broken sobs and ragged breathing rocked his mind. He wanted so badly to be able to hold her close and let her know everything was going to be ok but something deep down always stopped him from those acts of affection towards her. She had always said he gave the best hugs and he wanted to provide one one of the best he could give and without knowing his touch would somehow make the room warmer, seeming a little less bleak.
"ATINY says Jae, you look more and more beautiful each time I see you!", the maknae, of the group, Jongho, surprisingly handled this better than everyone thought he would. He may be young but he knows when and when to not joke around with Jae. A wide smile etched on to his face when her head snapped towards the phone and she bowed politely thanking them with a tinge of red on her cheeks from the sudden comment. His face now buried back into the phone he scrolled through the comments satisfied with the small accomplishment of getting her to speak up and be herself.
Even if it was just for a split second because in that split second? The part of her that was a ghost, a mannequin, or whatever else they wanted to call it, had fallen away and became nothing. What remained was herself, strong and ready to move on. He knew she wasn't broken, she was just Tired of Being Tired.
