For Avaley * unedited*

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14

“The best way for me to do this is to probably just blurt everything out.” I took a couple of deep breaths. I was looking at my hands in my lap just fidgeting and went

“Evan, I left because I was pregnant.”

His eyes popped “pregnant . . . mine?” he questioned.

I shook my head no before speaking and he slumped back down almost looking hurt. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Band aide - just rip, I thought to myself.

“At the time I didn’t know whose it was.” I looked up at him. He looked absolutely disgusted “You cheated on me!” he yelled and the hurt in his voice broke my heart again. He stood with anger appearing to be leaving. I needed to finish this I couldn’t let him leave. Reaching for his arm, while standing up myself; I had to stop him.

He looked at me so harshly with disgust I want to run. Okay so he was disgusted and pissed. God this is so hard please grant me strength and courage. I led him over to a bench and sat before continuing.

“No, It is not like that let me explain.” His nose was flaring with anger. “Remember when you helped me get a ride home early form break since you had agreed to volunteer and I needed to get my parents anniversary gift I left?” he nodded yes “Well Doug did get me home late that night around 1 am or so. I remember pulling into the drive” I had to pause again tears streaming down my face breath coming out shaky. I know I can do this I have to suck it up to get it out. “I felt an excruciating pain in my jaw and remember spitting out blood and part of a tooth. I turned to Doug wondering what happened and that’s when I saw his fist come at me again.” Evan tried to scoop me up again and I placed a hand on his chest stopping him. I looked at Avaley and she was crying. “He hit me with his hands a couple more times and called me names saying I didn’t deserve you. You were too good for me. He wanted me for himself and you were always in the way of the women he wanted. I wish I wasn’t wearing a dress that day I can tell you that. The last things I remember is him tying my hands together behind my back, him flipping me over and ripping my underwear off, and entering me. He was yelling in my ear that he wanted me to feel what a real man was like. He told me I have to moan for him and scream his name in pleasure. I couldn’t, I just laid there crying. I stayed silent. I thought he was going to kill me. I was so scared. He got mad since I wasn’t doing what he wanted and he grabbed a gun from somewhere. He screamed at me to moan his name again and tell him how much I liked it. I shook my head no. If I was going to die he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. Not all of what he wanted.  I guess I am even stubborn in situations like that.” I slightly laughed “He ended up taking the gun and back handing me with it. I woke up in Lansing on the side of a road somewhere. My bag was next to me and I managed to stumble to the first house I saw. I called the police and got an ambulance.”

I looked up at Evan and he placed his large warm hands on both my cheeks wiping away my tears. The look on his face hurt me worse than the rape but I had to tell him all of it.

“They did the rape kit and I gave them his name. I was in the hospital for weeks. That’s why I never came home. It wasn’t you, please believe me it wasn't you.” He nodded his understanding. “After that I stayed with the cop’s family. They offered me a room till the trial was over. I know you were all worried and just didn’t know how to face you. It was actually good for me. The cop’s wife Jessica actually went through the same thing but with a family member. She and I would talk and she helped me through that time. She tried and tried to convince me to see someone for help but I couldn’t. I felt dirty and if I talked about it I was admitting to being dirty. I couldn’t handle any more people knowing about it. I couldn’t feel another layer of dirt and disgust. I know it wasn’t right and a bit irrational but that is how I felt at the time. I wish I could change it but I know now it happened for a reason.” I had to take a couple of breathes. Glancing at Avaley almost undid me. She was slowly walking towards us with an immeasurable amount of love and pain pouring through her eyes. Glancing back at Evan I continues.

“Three months later I found out I was pregnant. I thought I was skipping my monthly because of the stress from the rape situation. After the third month I missed I realized I needed to make sure. You know my bad luck” I let a little smile play at the corner of my lips at that old ongoing joke. “Yes I was pregnant. I made up my mind then and there I needed to talk to my father and I tried. You heard what happened there. He thought I was sleeping around and getting in trouble. I guess in hindsight (there it is again) for all he knew I was just pregnant. I was just gone for three months or so. So I can see why he wouldn’t think I was pregnant before I quit contacting everyone.” I risked a glance at Avaley once again. I had to know she was okay with all this information. With an unnoticeable glance my eyes found what they needed with my resilient daughter.

With a small shake of my head I continued. “I was so scared to see you I couldn’t face you. I didn’t want your rejection to be like my fathers. I ran to Matt and he just left his job and got me out of here. No questions asked. We ended up in Texas after multiple moves. Once she was born I requested a sample from the jail to see if he was the father.”

I looked away from Evan. I couldn’t look at him and tell him that I made a mistake and kept him from his daughter’s life. I was staring over his shoulder out into space. I realized Ava was standing less than five feet away now silently crying and shaking. The hurt in her eyes not form not knowing her father but from knowing what I finally went through. Her hurt was out of love.

“It was his child. I arranged for you to get raped.” Evan started crying “How could he do that to me? He knew what you meant to me and how much I loved you. He knew I was planning on marrying you.”

I tried to reach out and comfort him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Not my fault, NOT MY FAULT” he was yelling now “HOW CAN YOU SAY IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. YOU TOLD ME NOT TO VOLUNTEER AND I WOULDN’T LISTEN. ME AND MY BIG DAMN HEART ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE. THIS IS MY ENTIRE FAULT. NOW THAT ASS HOLE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOU.” He stood up in a flourish of anger taking me with him.

I just started talking again to continue “I was scared of this reaction here. Though I admit I thought you would blame me at the time. Just like my father did. Anyway once I found out I wanted to contact you but I was scared. I just couldn’t face you; I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“TELL ME WHAT. THAT MY BEST FRIEND KNOCKED YOU UP BY RAPING YOU!”

“No Evan” I said in a whisper.

He was holding my arms so tight shaking me he was so mad. I heard Avaley’s voice before I could stop her.

“Put her down you fucking asshole she is just trying to tell you. You are taking it out on her. She has had enough taken out on her.”

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