Destiel One-Shots

Dear Dean

A/N: This one is based off the song attached. If you've never heard it before, give it a listen!!

Dear Dean,

   I've known you a lot longer than you've known me. I remember in the very beginning, you would pray. Every day for those years you were down in Hell, you'd pray. I know they weren't for me directly. You didn't even know that I existed back then, but I heard you all the same. I listened to every word you said, Dean, and I longed to reply. I longed to reach out and pull you from that place, but my superiors forbade it. "The time will come, Castiel" they would say, and back then I did not question my orders.

   I remember the day they came to me, asking me to lead the charge down to Hell to rescue you. I think that was the first time I had ever felt. Angels do not feel, but even back then, you were changing me. The fight down to where you were was bloody. We fought through the many levels of that awful place, and many of my brothers and sisters perished. I remember feeling loss, but that was all washed away when I finally saw you.

   Your soul is so bright, Dean. Even then, you shone stronger than anything else I had ever seen. I had reached out to you, and you were scared. You didn't know what was happening, but when I said your name, your soul reached back. I was doomed the moment we touched.

   You don't remember much from when you were saved. You certainly don't remember whispering to me. I remember it clear, and I always will. Your voice ringing in my ears as I lifted you will never leave me. Uncertain and afraid, you had clung to me, face buried in my neck as we travelled back the way I had come down. The battle was still raging around us, angels and demons alike falling dead at our feet. It was as we left that awful place, as your soul grew nearer to your body, that you said it.

   Hallelujah.

   It was just a whisper, a breath in my ear. It was then that I knew. I was always destined to fall.

   Dean, I know you are strong. You've proven yourself time and time again. In battle, in love, in everything. You've been through so much, and all I've ever wanted was to keep you safe. It's hard to explain this feeling, as for millennia I didn't feel. Emotions are new, and raw, and hard to control. So believe me when I say that I know you are strong. I know you can handle yourself. I merely hate seeing you hurt when you deserve so much more.

   For the years that I've known you, I've seen you go through so much. Those days, endless days, in Hell that killed you over and over again. When I raised you, I wanted it to be for good, but it didn't always happen the way I planned. You see, Dean, I've watched you die, too many times. Not just physically, but emotionally. I've watched your faith fade and blow out. Faith in your brother, in yourself. And yet, your faith in me has never dwindled. To this day, after everything I have put you through, you still believe in me. When no one else sees the light, when you yourself may not even, you still pray to me. I will always come when you call, Dean.

   Now, it's time to apologize, for that wasn't always true, was it? I'm sorry I let myself fall prey to her. I'm sorry I let them take control of my mind. It was never by choice, Dean. I assure you. She tied me up, made me a prisoner in my own mind. Countless numbers of my siblings had fallen to her, and she was determined to add me to her list. She said she was saving me, but she lied. I can never apologize enough for what Naomi forced me to do. I can never apologize enough for her tearing your prayers away from me. For making me dead to your calls, your desperate pleas for help.

   She took my free will, Dean, and just for that, I will never forgive her. She made me hurt you, lie to you, use you, and for that, I must never be forgiven. What hurt the most, however, was not this. She took our bond, our hallelujah, and she pulled it from my lips and twisted it around as a weapon. She left me dirty and unworthy of you, Dean.