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|thursday november 4 7:03 AM |
"hey sweetie, how are you?" my mom smiles sympathetically when she walks into the kitchen. i stay quiet and stare at my bowl of cereal in front of me. every year i dread that question, today and tomorrow are by far the hardest days of the year for me.
anyone who knows what happened always asks me 'how are you' or 'how are you holding up'. yes, it's generous and shows that they care but i never really know how to answer those questions. am i fine? no, not with what had happened. how am i holding up? great until november comes. "you don't have to go to school today or tomorrow if you don't want to..." my mom speaks up after me not answering her question. "i'll just skip tomorrow" i sigh quietly as i move my spoon around in my bowl of cereal, suddenly feeling full even though i've only had three spoonfuls.
"are you going to school early today then?" she asks me since it's thursday. "yeah, i need to leave soon" i nod, standing up from the barstool. she smiles at me again and nods. "drive safe honey, i love you so much."
"i will, i love you too" i force a smile and put my bowl in the sink before walking out of the kitchen to grab my back pack and jacks letterman, that i have yet to return, from the couch. i wonder if he's been looking for it, i took chris's advice and didn't give it back after last thursday. i feel kind of bad about it, i'll probably give it back to him soon.
the ride to school seemed longer than usual. my thoughts were only on how bad i'm going to feel tomorrow since i'm already feeling awful today. hopefully the two days can just get by quickly so i can feel a little less like this.
when i pull into the parking lot i see nia and chris already up in the stands, you could tell they were laughing from how they were moving. nia always has her head thrown back when she laughs and chris covers his mouth and his shoulders shake like crazy.
"goodmorning" i fake smile when i finally get up next to them. "hey love" chris smiles embracing me in a hug. nia smiles sympathetically making me want to cry. this is going to be the look i get from everyone who knows for the next few days. it happened every year since i was twelve. "we're here for you cindy. not just today or tomorrow either. you know you can always come and talk to us about it if you need to." nia speaks up after chris hugs me and follows his actions and hugs me as well. i hug back and pull apart after a few seconds. their hugs really did help a lot. it took a lot not to break down in her arms when she said that.
they're always so nice and helpful through it all.
"i know, thank you..both" i say, my voice was starting to get shaky so i sit down and look down at the field and see jack throwing the ball with his best friend johnson. it's always been jack and jack. it's hard to imagine jack being best friends with someone else, they've been close ever since kindergarten.
