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| saturday april 22 6:53 PM |
"oh...i didn't know you'd be here.." cindy says, her whole face dropping when she enters the kitchen. seeing her made me feel worse about the whole situation. i know i fucked up. i feel really bad about it, worse than i have felt about anything i've ever done... and i've done a lot. this one hits worse than all of it. i hated the way i know i made her feel about what happened. "i wouldn't have come if i knew you would be here" i say, mentally face palming as the words come out of my mouth, i sound like an even bigger ass now. her face fell even more making me feel worse. i wish sam would have told me but i should have known, we actually both should have. he wouldn't think anything of it though."no.. i didn't mean it like that. i meant like to give you space..." i explain causing her to nod.
"it's okay, they don't know... it's fine." she tells me. i'm sure they know something is up... we barely even talk anymore. the past week has been hell because of it. every time something happens shes the first person i think about telling. it kills the mood every time it happens because i know i can't. i messed up and i need to respect her request for me to give her some space. even though i absolutely hate the idea of it more than anything i don't want to make the situation worse than i already have.
if only i could go back in time.
i wouldn't have done any of it.
i honestly don't even know why i did.
i hate myself for it.
"how have you been?" i wince, hoping i wasn't pushing it. she smiles making my heart beat speed up some. i love her smile, it automatically put me in a better mood than i was. it could probably put anyone in a better mood with it. she's just got that type of smile, you know? a beautiful one.
"i've been good, what about you?" she asks me. it made me feel good to know that she's doing good. that's all i want for her... even if she decides to move on from me i'd still want that for her. i love her. i really do. "i'm glad to hear th-" "damn what all did you put in this?" i hear a familiar voice cut me off as two people walk through the front door with a huge cooler in their hands.
latrelle and jake.
my smile falls from my face as i make eye contact with latrelle. i wonder if jake knows about this. just the thought of it embarrasses me. hell the thought of my friends knowing embarrasses me. i'd hate for them too, but i know i need to let them know eventually. i just don't want them to feel obligated to choose sides or feel awkward when me and cindy are around them. it'd completely split up the group, i'd hate it since were all so close.
