You || Krii7y

18. Please, Jaren

The door opens to Jaren's face, the bags under his eyes almost as bad as John's. His eyes themselves are bloodshot as though he'd just been crying and the sight of him makes John's heart clench. Jaren finally looks up and flinches when he realises it's John on his front step. His gaze pierces John's before he looks back down and wordlessly goes to shut the door.

John panics and raises a hand in protest. The door jerks to a stop and Jaren raises his line of sight to him, emotionless. "Please, Jaren. Hear me out just this once. Please. You can shut the door in my face as soon as I've finished saying what I have to say and I promise I'll never bother you again but I just need to get this off my chest."

When Jaren looks away and stares at his feet, his jaw clenched slightly but the door still open, John takes it as permission to continue.

He breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I- where do I start?" He runs a hand through his hair, collecting his thoughts. "I don't expect you to believe anything I say or accept my apology, but this is the truth and I really am sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for treating you so horribly when you're... my everything. I don't even deserve this opportunity to talk to you and yet you're letting me.

"You've been patient with me since day one and I started to take you for granted. I just assumed you'd always be there, regardless of what I did and that was so wrong of me. These past few days have been fucking torture, knowing my best friend and the person I care most about hates my guts." John pauses before continuing, looking at his feet. "It's been even worse when I finally realised that I feel the same way about him as he does about me. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out but I love you, Jaren. The only way I can rationalise my actions is that after getting together with Kasey I realised subconsciously that I'd rather be with you. I enjoy spending time with you more than I do with anyone else I've ever known and I think you're beautiful. I guess the thought of being attracted to you, my best friend, a guy, scared me and I took that fear out on you. It's unacceptable, I know, and no way to justify treating you the way I have but it's the only way I can explain myself.

"I don't know what I'd do without you and I've gone and blown any chance I have of getting you back because what I did was heartless. I just want to say I'm sorry, Jaren. I'm sorry for being an asshole, a dick, a prick and every other name you can think of. I deserve to be called every one. I don't expect you to forgive me because I've done too much damage to be let back into your life." He stops talking, breathless, and closes his eyes to avoid Jaren's.

"I'll be the judge of that." Jaren's voice is croaky and the laugh he lets out hoarse. John finally looks up and Jaren is staring at him, eyes boring holes into his soul. He watches the brunette's mouth turn up at the corners and it's the most beautiful thing he's seen in his life. His puffy eyes, red nose and lopsided smile. So heartbreakingly beautiful. "Come in, John."

That sentence alone is something John never thought he'd hear again and he sniffs as he returns Jaren's smile before making his way in. Jaren's house is the same as he'd left it but he notices the stack of unwashed plates and glasses in the kitchen. There's a pizza box in the living room, crusts littering the coffee table. Jaren's taken their break as badly as John has.

"Sorry," Jaren says as he takes the pizza box and crusts to the kitchen. "Yesterday's dinner." While he's in the kitchen, John looks at the couch and takes in the blanket on it and the distinctive dip in it from where he assumes Jaren has been sitting for who knows how long. He goes and sits on the other couch.

John hears shuffling as Jaren drags his feet into the living room and comes to sit on the opposite couch to John. He turns his body to face John but doesn't quite make eye contact. John sighs internally. Baby steps.

"Did- did you break up with Kasey?"

"No, she broke up with me." John looks up and sees the hurt in Jaren's eyes and he realises it sounds like he's only here because he got dumped. Like Jaren's a replacement, a second choice when that couldn't be further from the truth. God, he's a dumbass. "That- that's not what I meant. I meant that she's the one who made me realise how I feel about you. She told me how I am when I'm with her. How I'm always looking at you. I didn't believe her at first but she told me to go home, to sleep on it. I didn't even need that long. I tried thinking of when I've been happiest and this one asshole's face kept popping up in my mind." He grins to himself before looking back up at Jaren. "In those moments, I'd just look over and admire how happy you looked and- stop looking at me like that."

Jaren doubles back. "Like what?"

John huffs a sigh. "Like I haven't been the biggest dick to you, haven't treated you wrong. Like I'm your favourite fucking person."

Jaren smiles a uniquely brilliant smile. "You might just be, again." That is enough to knot John's stomach as he tilts his head.

"Is that so?"

"I just need you to do one more thing."

"Anything."

John can see Jaren debating internally with himself as his eyes flicker everywhere before he looks directly at John. He stands up and John observes his every move as he gets closer before he gingerly seats himself on his lap. His breath is caught in his throat as Jaren searches his face before speaking.

"Kiss me."

That's all John needs before he chases the scent of peaches to its source, their lips melding together. The kiss starts soft and shy, full of apologies, sadness and forgiveness as the two pour the emotions they couldn't voice to one another into it. John finds a single tear escapes as he kisses the man in his lap, beyond elated that he can have this despite what he'd done.

Jaren tastes amazing. It should be a crime to taste this good. John's whole body feels weightless as he registers the fact that he's kissing Jaren. He's kissing Jaren. There isn't a shred of doubt in his mind about this and he knows it's right. His hands find their way to Jaren's hips and he squeezes them gently, making the man in his lap gasp. He takes the opportunity to introduce his tongue and Jaren responds eagerly, pushing John further into the couch as their lips caress one another's. He feels that heat rising in the pit of his stomach and it makes him kiss Jaren hungrily, regret turning to lust. Eventually they both pull away, breathing heavily.

"Fuck," Jaren pants.

John giggles. "Fuck indeed." He looks into Jaren's face and finds him staring back as intensely. As they wordlessly study each other, grins on their faces, John is reminded of Kasey's words.

You're a completely different person when he's around. You're so much cheerier, happier, brighter.

And now, sitting beside Jaren, who smiles gently at him and reaches over to thread their fingers together, John realises how right she is. He feels so much happier when he's with Jaren. He feels complete. He feels at home.