W O N D E R I N G

3:07 am

It like I have all these thoughts and I have no way of expressing them that means anything
And I don't mean to other people I mean to me. I don't give a fuck what other people have to say about my thoughts.

But what can I do?

It's 3 AM and all I wanna fucking do is call you and hear your voice and listen to the sound of your laugh but I can't. Because I know your toxic and no good for me. But it's addictive. You're addictive. It's like I'm losing so much because I can't sleep knowing you probably by some other girls side. I can't fucking focus on anything for too long before I realise it's just a distraction and I'm not over you like I thought I was.

But how do you get over an addiction that consumed you? It's like I don't want to throw myself into someone else because I'm constantly surrounded by toxicity. But you were killing me in the sweetest way and I didn't care.

You were the best drug I could've asked for. But I couldn't get high off you anymore and when the high left I could see the rubble I was standing in. The mess you'd left when you came forcing your way into my life like a tornado no one could ever expect.

And if I could go back to the day we met I wish I could say I would stay in bed but I know I'd go through it all again just for that rush that I felt when I saw your lips curl into my smile. I know I'd go through the heartbreak and me screaming and crying my heart out begging for you to stay true just for a taste of the cyanide that was your kiss.

And I wish I could say that you're simply not mine anymore but you were never really mine to begin with and yet I've been yours since the very first touch.

And I don't know what I'm trying to say or what point I'm making except that the sound of you saying my name is playing round my head like a broken record and it makes me want to scream because I know I'm not going back. Because you seem to get some kinda sick twist outta playing this game and I just don't understand what I did to you to deserve it when all I ever asked for was your love and loyalty.

And I still love you. If I didn't it wouldn't be killing me like it is right now. And I know I'll get over you but I'll never be the same again because I gave you every piece of trust I had left and every piece of me I could give but somehow it still wasn't enough. And I guess I hope you're sorry and you see that you've lost someone who would've pulled heaven and hell together just so you could find peace.

And I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for not knowing that I'm worth more and not realising that you got pleasure from hurting me and that I let you play with me until I physically couldn't cope.

I hope you're happy with yourself and that you got what you wanted in the end because there's nothing more I could give.

But hey...

You won.

Because It's 3 AM and all I wanna fucking do is call you and hear your voice and listen to the sound of your laugh but I can't. Because I know your toxic and no good for me. But it's addictive. You're addictive. It's like I'm losing so much because I can't sleep knowing you probably by some other girls side. I can't fucking focus on anything for too long before I realise it's just a distraction and I'm not over you like I thought I was.