W O N D E R I N G

Open Letter / July

Tell me,
On the last day we met, where you smiling? Or trying to smile?
During the last time we kissed, did I feel your body tense or relax?
Do you want to see me again, or, have you decided it's for the best if we don't see each other again?
Do you think about me as often as I think about you? Or am I alone in this feeling?

Do you also feel like the story of us is still being written? Like we're creating memories to share years from now when we meet again?
Is it just me or, did it not hurt as bad as it should've when we walked away from each other because we knew we would come back together?

Do you remember me? Do you remember us? Did you ever really love me or was I just a game?

I never cried after a goodbye because no goodbye felt final, there was always a small part of that screamed this isn't over yet. So it always felt as if maybe, we would cross paths again. There's always been a connection between us. Eyes automatically drawn to each other when we pass in the street. Quizzical looks, when I'm dying to go and ask you how your life's been since the last time that we spoke but I'm too scared.

Maybe I still love you. Just a little bit. Do you still love me, even if is just a little bit?

You were the one that got away. Are you ever coming back?

But I might be wrong.

Maybe the last goodbye was final. Maybe you were destined to be the one I think about when my mind wonders and I try to remember how it feels to be adored. And I'll never have the courage to tell you this outright or even hint at it but whatever someone you become, wherever in this world you are - I am sending you love.
Because I know you're going to be someone; I know you're going to be great. You've got the ability to be the best. I hope you take the leap and experience everything you ever wanted to.

And I hope you know that if we never meet again, I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I will always believe that your laugh is the happiest sound in the world, and remember how your eyes light up when you smile and how you kissed me at the final kiss in 21 Jump street and how you looked at me when you thought I wasn't looking.

And I hope you remember the days when you would play with my brother in the front room, and when we'd walk home together. I hope you saw the admiration in my eyes when I looked at you and you remember how you said you felt when I smiled.

Just know that if you called me now and needed someone I'd be there at 3 A.M or 3  P.M. I'll listen to you no matter what and I'll let you know that everything is going to be okay. And if you didn't want to talk, we could sit there in silence until you felt less alone. You'll probably never call, or need me again but I'll still be here. So this is an open letter to my very first love. If you ever read this you'll know who you are and you probably won't respond and you don't need to but I mean every single syllable.

I'm sorry for lying and saying I never loved when honestly I loved you so much it scared me. I'm sorry for acting like I hated you when I never held any hate in my heart for you. I just missed you and was too scared to say. I'm sorry if I broke your heart, and I'm sorry that other girls have broken your heart. Your heart is worth so much more than that. I've laid all my cards on the table now. I miss you. And you probably don't miss me, you've probably forgotten all about us. But it was time I was honest with you.

Faithfully...