W O N D E R I N G

1:28 am

And the really fucked up thing is I need someone to take care of me

Because I don't know how to.

I can raise a child, run a household and take care of my friends.

But I don't know when to eat, because I'm never hungry. I don't know when or what to drink. I couldn't tell you how much I exercise or what I do to help calm my nerves.

And I don't want to smoke anymore but I don't have the motivation to stop. Like people say oh it'll kill you one day and I'm just there like, I don't care - let it kill me.
I wanna slow down my drinking because it's lost it's buzz but I feel so low that all I want to do is drink.

My skins a mess and I know I need to take care of it because of my condition but I don't find the time.

And I tell my parents to go to bed around 10 and yet at 10 I'm just sat there like, am I actually ready for bed.

And as I'm writing this I know I need to be up in exactly 6 hours but I just don't care if I'm exhausted because I'll still go to my classes and go to work and still do my housework despite being exhausted and then I'll do the same thing the very next day.

And I know it's killing me and it's bad for me and I just want to stop and learn to take of myself but I can't.

I need someone to take care of me because god knows I can't.

And that's the really fucked up thing. Because I can do everything for everyone else but when it comes to myself I'm screwed. I just can't do it. I need someone else to do it or someone else to need me to take care of myself and then I might just get better.