W O N D E R I N G

Open Letter / August

I never for a second thought you wouldn't see my prom
Or thought you wouldn't see me finish secondary school
Or university.
Or my first heartbreak.

I never thought that the plans we talked about. About going to all the Disney parks and about going to Sydney Oprah house wouldn't come true.

I think the hardest part of this is facing the fact that you're never coming back. Even though I still expect to see your smile when I walk through your front door and I still expect to be able to tell you all the drama and bullshit I go through.

In all honesty you were like a second mother and another father in one. You took me to see the Disney movies and even movies you didn't want to see like letters to Juliet just because you knew it would make me smile.

Looking back you were probably my best friend, someone who would never judge me or put me down. You fought my corner and we had a bond that would never be broken. No matter how much I fucked up.

When you left it crushed me. I cried for a week and I'm really not ashamed to admit it. I didn't know anything was wrong yet that night you went into hospital I didn't sleep all night because I felt like something bad was happening. Now I know I was right. I wish I wasn't because that was the night I was losing you.

My very last words to you were I love you and that very thought makes me happy. Because I love you. So much that it still hurts to think about you.

I'll never forget how you took me to Disney in Florida and how you always said I was gorgeous with or without the makeup. I'll never forget how you hugged me when I would cry over my parents fighting - just praying they'd get along. You told me things are more complicated then just smiling and being okay with one another and I'm old enough know that I know what you meant. You made it all seem okay.

You were kind and fearless and strong and I hope I'm that kind of woman when I'm older. You had so much love to give and you didn't get the opportunity to show it all and that crushes me. You were my rock.

You fought some hard battles and you won so many but unfortunately you lost the most fatal one of all. You always tried to protect me and make sure that we had fun. I just hope I can make you proud with whatever I do now.

I know my pain compared to dad's and Nans and grumps must seem minuscule as they lost a sister and a daughter but the pain I feel of losing you - even now three years later - is beyond belief and my heart breaks even more for them as they watched you grow and grew up besides you.

But I grew up expecting to always have you around. I expected you to be here to see incredibles two with me and infinity war, which would've made you cry too. I expected to still be able to laugh with you and I'd give everything for just one more hug. Because I can't believe it's over.

I can't believe you're gone.

I will never be able to see the squirrel in Sandringham without breaking inside slightly. Or listen to the Summer of '69 without thinking of the day I had to say goodbye.

And if I ever have children I'm going to wish that they met you. Because I know you'd have loved them as much as you loved me and I know you would've shown them as much as you showed me.

Thank you for everything you did. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. I'm trying so hard to make you proud - even now. Wherever you are, I hope you're not in pain anymore and that you've found peace and happiness. And just so you know - I love you. I always have and I always will.

Forever...