I'm Here | ✓

24 - Anxiety

I push Steve against the wall once we were safely back in our room at the hotel. The door clicks behind us but my lips are already on his again, pulling him down to my height. His hands trail up my back, pulling up the edges of my shirt. I respond with the same sort of gentle urgency, my thumbs brushing his sharp jawbones and the stubble on his chin. I just explored the taste of him, thriving in the beauty of the moment, our two figures outlined faintly by the warm glow from the lamp I forgot to turn off earlier. At last, we pulled away in the same gasp for air. I stared into Steve's eyes as he stared into mine.

"When did you have time to practice kissing like that, Rogers?" I whisper breathlessly.

"I didn't. I thought about what I dreamed of as a kid and followed what my heart told me to do." He pulled my hand up to his face, our fingers intertwined, and gently kissed each knuckle. If I hadn't known better, I would've thought it was a breeze, not Steve's delicate lips caressing my skin.

"But," he continued, setting my hand back down by my side. "We can always continue this later. For now, I need a shower."

I pulled away and went to sit on the edge of the bed, grinning at Steve. I barely remember when I was the charismatic one. My hands know what to do, where to go, but Steve has everyone, even me, falling for him. He's got the whole Captain America charm that has everyone else chasing him, but I think I'm the only one who's seen behind the shield and the costume to the boy who just wanted to protect his country.

He shuffles through the backpack for the last change of clothes Natasha packed while we were in the hospital. He winks at me as he slips inside the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. God, he makes my heart race, but it's a comfortable feeling.

I spot his phone sitting face-up on the bed. I pick it up and tap the screen. To my surprise, it lights up with the time at the top. It's a lot later than I thought; it reads 3:29 pm. Near the bottom, it says "slide to unlock." I take a second to think about what it might be asking before finally swiping my finger across the screen. A bunch of circles with different numbers appear on the screen. I remember Steve's password from the times he tapped it in while we were together. It's something I did as the Winter Soldier; I've seen and memorized hundreds of passwords, and even watching Steve put his in was an unconscious effort. I set the phone back down. I felt bad for invading his privacy.

The shower turns on and I lay back on the bed, crossing my right arm behind my head. I sigh and stare at the beige popcorn ceiling, contemplating the kiss and what we were supposed to do from here. My mind wandered until I heard a noise that startled me out of my imagination.

I slowly sat up in bed, listening intently. Someone ran down the hallway, their footsteps pounding, but I ignored it. I stood up, tiptoeing closer to the bathroom until I had my ear pressed against it.

Steve choked, and I shoved open the door.

I could see his shadowy figure hunched over through the white shower curtain. I glanced around and grabbed a neatly folded towel from off the sink. Steve gasped, struggling for breath, and I drew the curtain aside.

He was doubled over, on his knees, his arms wrapped around himself, just letting the water run off his body. He coughed feebly and I watched his fingernails dig further into his skin, creating purple crescents on his sides.

"Steve. Stevie." I whispered. I shut off the shower and Steve ducked his head a little lower, shaking badly. I draped the towel over his shoulders and grabbed another. Slowly, I twisted my arm under his, but he wasn't even willing to support his own weight. I grunted and heaved him to his feet, tying the other towel around his waist. His eyes are unfocused and bloodshot. He's shivering horribly, threatening to pitch over at any second. I touch his shoulder. The water droplets still clinging to his skin are cold. He flinches away, looking at but not recognizing me. I've seen that look before, in my own eyes when I stared into the mirror.

I grab the last small hand towel and try to wipe him off as best as I can while still trying to prevent him from falling over. I don't know what's going on, but I'll do what I can to help. He starts muttering under his breath, little words that I can't hear and don't make sense. "Shhh, you're okay. I'm here, it's Bucky."

"Help," Steve whispers.

"Hey, it's okay, Steve. You're okay." His knee gives and he collapses to the tile floor, taking me down with him. His head lolls forward and I put my hands under his chin, lifting it back up. We lock eyes. "C'mon, jerk, you gotta stand up. I've got you."

"Arctic..." he murmurs. Shit. He's having memories of his crash. My hands shake. I don't know how to handle this. Normally I'm the one having the breakdown, not the other way around, but I guess that's selfish of me.

I put both hands around Steve and drag him to his feet. He clings to me, crying, and I pull him through the door. Carefully, I lay him on the bed, readjusting the towels I wrapped around him. I cover him in all the blankets in the room, but he's still shaking. I take my jacket and drape it over him, in addition to piling the pillows from the couch around him. I contemplate climbing in bed with him, but I remember how my body temperature runs lower after my version of the serum, and I hold back. I want to be there for him, but he grabs onto the blanket and pulls it over his head.

I go sit on the bed, not much more than just a mattress with a Steve-shaped pile of blankets in the middle. God, I'm worried about him. I forgot that he's got a lot of things to be afraid of, too. We all have our own demons. I put my hand where I think his back is and start rubbing like I used to do when we were kids. I watch the clock. 3:37 pm.

It takes half an hour, but soon, Steve's breathing slows. The bed stops shaking, and carefully, he unfurls himself from the twisted knot of blankets. His head pokes out, and his eyes are fearful as he glances around until they finally land on me. "Oh my God, you're here, Buck."

I nod. "I'm always here."

He pushes himself upright a little bit more. "The ice... the water... I just couldn't take it."

I put two and two together. "The shower. The water was freezing, wasn't it?" Steve tilted his head down and nodded. "Made you remember. I get it."

"You're probably one of the only ones that does. I just..." Steve rubs his face with his hands. "Normally I'm careful about things like this. I should've checked the water before I got in."

I made a mental note that cold water was one of his triggers. "You're warm enough now, right? They didn't have many blankets, so I tried everything." I gestured vaguely to the black jacket and pillows piled around him. I refrained from telling him about how I was going to crawl in with him. I'd give anything to take these memories away from him. Hasn't he suffered enough?

I clear my throat. "Do you still want that shower? I can see if I can get the water warm..."

Steve smiles at me from under the blankets. "That'd be great." I start to tread towards the bathroom. "Thank you, Buck. I know I'm kind of a pain. You'd think I'd be able to take care of myself, but... I really do appreciate the help."

I go and seat myself next to him, carding my fingers through his hair. "I never minded helping you out, you know. I know you felt guilty, but I just wanted to make a difference to somebody."

Steve grabbed my collar and pulled me down. We collided in a violently beautiful kiss that took me by surprise and enveloped me in seconds. I shut my eyes, but as soon as it began, Steve pushed me gently back to standing. I stumbled against the wall and looked at Steve in confusion, but his face was painted with a smirk.

"That's a thank you. Don't forget the shower," he reminded me.

"Right." I turned and went back to the bathroom. Steve didn't see my grin, but I had a feeling if I looked back, his smile would match mine. I turned on the shower and waited for the water to run hot, steaming as soon as it came out of the faucet. I know that Steve's body temperature runs a little high after his version of the serum, but hopefully he'll be able to relax now.

I call to remind Steve that I've got his shower ready. I turn away from the door and cover my eyes jokingly, but also to respect Steve's privacy. I hear him get up out of bed and he stands right behind me, wrapping his muscular arms around my torso. I can feel his body pressed up against mine, fire to match ice. I snort. "Get off me and take your shower, dumbass."

He laughs and uncoils himself from around me, gently shutting the door to the bathroom. I'm left standing alone in the motel room, wondering what in the hell just happened and if my racing heart means anything at all.