Woes

Put up with...

I put up with the kinky unattractive hair
I put up with the poverty that now holds my future and dreams captive because of the risk of not affording college
I put up with the homophobic, xenophobic, verbally and emotionally abusive, transphobic, misogynistic, idiotic PIECE OF SHIT and don't forget toxic "stepdad" because God forbid I refer to him as the STRANGE MAN in my house. A house invaded the past five years and changed-metamorphasized without my consent
I put up with the disrespect
I put up with the half brother, a toddler who now calls me mom
I put up with the unappreciative attitude of my family
I put up with the criticisms of my feelings, mood swings I can't control because of the depression I've developed over the years bc of things I've PUT UP WITH
I put up with your lack of understanding of why I still suck my finger at 17 for comfort because of the severe anxiety- that medications can't replace the comfort it brings
I put up with being a stereotype, the always late, no dad having ass, nappy headed, poor black girl
I put up with the bullies nothing Jamaica and New York, two different places and cultures but same faces, sneers, side eyes and whispers.
I put up with the refusal of others to accept me for me despite me ALWAYS accepting them.
I put up with being the plan D friend, the pity friend, the not really friend.
I put up with moving so much over the years, the instability of it all as a child.
I put up with having to grow up so fast because I had to keep up with all my mom's struggles.
I put up with feelings the love I have for my mom and the hatred I have for her choices.
I put up with the fact that I don't know who I am. I've had to change so much over such short periods of time to try and find somewhere I belonged. High school is over and I am lost.
I put up with the pills I have to take in the morning to keep my mood in check.
I put up with the other brother, same dad, Irish twins yk-who treats me like shit. Who wouldn't mind if no one knew we were related, who wants me to shut up and be more like his white friends.
I put up with seeing the shitty stuck up white people spend their wealth on such trivial things while we scrounge for scraps to have a future.
I put up with the snide remarks, the track and cross country team where I never belonged.
I put up with the asthma.
I put up with the migraines.
I put up with my grandparents dying of cancer and not even getting to say goodbye.
I put up with no one really understanding me.
I put up with sweating in my head and forearms.
I put up with the heat rashes.
I put up with my shitty eyesight.
I put up with my self esteem issues. I suck up my tears and hope to lose the weight and get a new shape.
I put up with never being able to have the little I allow myself to even ask for.

I don't know how much more I can put up with. I'm tired.....here comes another migraine.