Woes

Open Letter From My Heart

After a year and three months, you agreed to be together.
Having grown, overcame certain thoughts and realizing goals-
I was ecstatic for you and us.
Constant communication as always and constant reassurance and honesty....

Then, two months later, you mentioned trying a poly relationship. A part of my sexuality, I myself haven't explored-or felt comfortable to, that I told you about in pure honesty and as a hypothetical question about our hypothetical future. Something you expressed no interest in and I accepted with no issue.

She's closer, petite, goofy, average intellectually and laid back-
Yet you're convinced we'll click because of some shared interests and mannerisms. You're about to move further away from me now, we haven't got a chance to do anything on the list we made.

The thought didn't process at first and I took my lack of visceral reaction as conscious complacency. But with more thinking, and flip flopping- I admit, the more uncomfortable I am with it. Why do you want to start a new relationship when your own is still so new? What do you mean you've been in relationships before and since they didn't work you figured you'd try polyamory? All of a sudden you 'have always been considering it/think you are capable of' having multiple romantic partners. We both have shitty memory but come on...

I'm so conflicted and tired. I'm happy that despite these new feelings you've still continued the open, honest communication that I crave and appreciate you for. But I'm also tired of being alone and the fear of being alone. I'm tired of fearing losing you and what I'd do if I did. I'm tired of second guessing and censoring my thoughts because I'm not sure I'm going to say my thoughts in the 'right way'. That is, the way that you'll more likely understand and not be turned off or away from me. I can't lose you. Can you say the same for me?

You know so much about me, my past, my trauma, my need for reassurance and affection to be reciprocated. You say you think you can have us both and split time 'fairly'. Why are we on equal footing? Why only if you can't handle it, then 'of course' it'll be me who stays.

I try so hard..... I'm tired. My youth was short and lack luster mostly with more abuse and repressed memories than positive. I work so hard, had to grow up so fast, raise a sibling, grapple with health issues etc etc. You've gone through hell and back, suffered loss and betrayal...

I LOVE YOU!

But I know.... that you don't love me. Your 'loyalty' > love mindset reiteration has made it clear. I view loyalty as a given, you grew up with it as something separate completely from love. I know love takes time, and that others may not value the concept of love itself but I know it's a feeling we all share.

I respect you, your mind, your wit, your experience, your quirks, your smile, your dreams, your pain-
Both acknowledge and accept it all.

Do I have to say I want to be called princess with you knowing I'm a little? Have you done any research on that or do you just like being called Daddy sometimes? Do you really like me or do you feel obligated to 'try' because I stuck around? I want to scream, yell, scrape at my chest in frustration....
But i just sigh, let a tear slip and try to sleep instead.

I crave being held, not just physically but by words, thoughts, sentiments and by gestures that reflect how much you care and are 'fond' of me.

I want to feel secure, I know that much of that is on my side, for reasons you've been told about, to overcome.

I give and I give. I'm so tired. You're the only one I've told all the things I have. Things not even my past therapists or mom know. You've opened up a bit, which makes me elated especially because of how you grew up.

But is it selfish to want more? I know I need more. Deserve more, but I want it from you. No one else.

If this doesn't work out....well I'll probably be another MIA author on here that just 'disappears' that you can all think just forgot their log in. But hey, you won't see this so at least I won't feel like shit for my feelings possibly being interpreted as emotional manipulation or abuse. Deep down I'm just one of many just hanging on by a thread.

Sincerely,

Your biggest supporter, who has you in their mind and heart.