The Life I Seek/ Beating Off The Toxic Thing In Me:
When I'm done trying to play with fire and the flames become too much for me
It is the golden warmth of sunlight I seek
I let it brush my burnt fingers with ease
Wondering why I ever let this violent thing eat me
And control my need to be seen
Because my own past traumas does not mean
I have to be an accumulation of every greedy thing
Hungering for the racing implosion that fuels it so
When I get too burnt up again I retreat
To the person I should be
The person deep down somewhere inside
Not unafraid but not terrified, not scared enough to not try
The gentle sway of a summer sea breeze
A girl who knew what it was like to not be seen
But wants to let others know it's okay to not feel like everything because I am here
And I have learnt, I have experienced the burns, I have lived a life well earned
Afternoon clouds dotting across sky as I ease
Back into the comfort familiarity of a body that's seen memories
Skin I could even welcome to be in because she's not just seen
She's heard
She isn't the creature rioting for justification of being pretty
She wants her soul to be heard,
unlike the toxic flame eater attempting to imitate Gossip Girl*
When I'm done trying to play with fire and the flames become too much for me
It is the golden light I seek
The light that reminds me it's not the popularity
It's the plethora of people you love who love me
And the fact that that seems to be a large number is not earned, it is a blessing
To have so many beautiful people in life is not a validation to this me
It is simply an answer to the equation of being a good person I crave to be
Attracting light and speaking honey
Not drowning in the need to be seen, but craving the need to feel like the sea
This person, who I hope to god is the real me,
The kindness, the caring, the calm in the energetic frenzy
Likes the boy not because he's a fire like the other but because he's funny and he has a nice smile
This me, likes to be loved because every loving footstep is a mile
In the right direction of a life I crave
One of creation, of friendship and family and memories that stay
Not the validation slapped onto the face of a girl who isn't real
That ugly, incessantly gross craving thing that thinks it's a woman who doesn't feel
I soothe the burns of my body with cool water on a warm day
Sandy toes making way to grass, night sky stars and shackled rain
Slowly beating the toxicity out of me,
One insecurity and burnt finger at a time.
~J.K.M.
(* The Gossip Girl comment is a funny little tidbit that fit too well to replace)
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2. A Definitive (Poetry)
PoetryNot just poetry for humanity. Poetry for me too. An array of poetry displayed in raw light. "For what it's worth, even words can explain the complications in ones head if you find the time to discover the right sentences." ~J.K.M.
